How to recognize them: Female with child(ren), she often likes to put herself in ridiculous situations and play the victim card. Then she expects the rest of us to be in awe of her fortitude for something she did not have to go through in the first place. Also, she has an extremely stretched out vagina.
Frequently heard saying: “My little Cole was 12 lbs at birth. AND I had him NATURALLY." (After saything this, she pauses for admiration). “It’s called labor for a reason.” “Honey, can you rub a little something on my perineum?” “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MY HOO HA!!!!”
Why they bug: This is completely unnecessary. Are you aware that you are not in a third world country and there are lots and lots of good drugs for this? Why waste technology? The only person who will be hurt by this is you. And your kids are never going to care how you got them out of you, no matter how hard you try to guilt them. And we know you will try to guilt them.
Their retort: “Giving birth is a natural process.” “Your vagina was created to stretch itself enough to pass a child through it.” “Women have been giving birth without drugs for thousands of years. You don’t need drugs.” “I just spent the last nine months without so much as a drop of caffeine. I’m not going to blow all that now."
My response: An epidural is the payoff of being drug free all this time. I’m sleepy. Give the epidural so that I can take a nap while I dilate. Sleeping during labor is the best part. Lord knows your sleep will not be as easily attained after labor is over.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sweet dreams, baby!
In the past few weeks, I have heard a lot of moms complaining that their babies are not sleeping. There are experts out there making mints off various methods. Since I have managed to raise a good sleeper (*knock on wood*), I am going to share what I have learned with you.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Can We Shut Up About Tiger Woods Now?
I really don’t care what he did. It is none of my business, nor is it yours, Nosey Nosersons! What he did has nothing to do with his ability to hit a ball with a long stick. I don’t care if he plays or if he doesn’t play. Does anyone really watch golf anyway? It’s boring.
I don’t feel that I was owed an apology from him on Friday. Again, I don’t care. If the man wants to keep his private life private, he should not hold a press conference about it. He should just go away.
It’s a sad commentary on our society when this is the news we see everyday. This morning’s news reports were ridden with annoying blurbs about where he went this weekend with his wife. Please stop spending time on this. There are so many other things going on in this world that are more important and should be reported and discussed. Let’s talk about something more relevant, like John Edwards.
I’d like to extend a special thanks to the writers’ block that I’m experiencing today to talk about not talking about a certain topic. I love irony.
I don’t feel that I was owed an apology from him on Friday. Again, I don’t care. If the man wants to keep his private life private, he should not hold a press conference about it. He should just go away.
It’s a sad commentary on our society when this is the news we see everyday. This morning’s news reports were ridden with annoying blurbs about where he went this weekend with his wife. Please stop spending time on this. There are so many other things going on in this world that are more important and should be reported and discussed. Let’s talk about something more relevant, like John Edwards.
I’d like to extend a special thanks to the writers’ block that I’m experiencing today to talk about not talking about a certain topic. I love irony.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Creep of The Week: The Five Minute Maniac
How to recognize them: Likely to be your boss, your boss’s boss, your boss’s boss’s boss or some other corporate big wig that is seldom seen, they often send “inspirational” emails talking about the latest business self help book that they’ve read or a modern day parable about a mentally or physically challenged kid who participated in a triathlon. These emails often end with what they believe to be an inspiring phrase like, “May the force be with you.” The emails also contain a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. Their offices have framed wall hangings from the Image Masters Inspirational Collection. Their bookshelves are lined with titles like “Who Moved My Cheese?” and “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Their personal lives tend to be the topic of gossip, as they are often in shambles due to divorce or marriages of appearance.
Frequently heard saying: “As Stephen Covey would say…” “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it” or some other such Dr. Phil like cliché.
Why they bug: FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! They want to lead and inspire yet, unless they are a Disney executive or have appeared on an episode of Undercover Boss, they have no concept of what their employees actually go through on a daily basis. They often do not have a formal education and can be easily intimidated by the people working for them that have obtained degrees. And they should be intimidated. We’re all laughing about the verbiage of your poorly written emails behind your back. Try typing it in Word first. It will show you the mistakes. Perhaps if you had a degree you’d know that. They likely lack that education because they have a difficulty comprehending what they read, which is why the business book genre is so appealing to them. They are fooled into thinking that this is a substitute for a real education by the authors of these books. Plus, there's no plot to follow. If you need some sort of inspirational picture with a line about “Challenges” and “Success” to motivate you, you should probably question why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. I’d also be inclined to guess that your wife left you because you were always at the office or away on business where you are surrounded by ass kissing sycophants. She probably saw through your bullshit and was not about to play your game. Then she got bored and fucked the gardener. For those that are married, you're not fooling anyone. We know you’re really gay and your spouse is a beard. Nothing is faker than that. Or your husband also has a high profile job with the company and you want to be seen so that you have greater opportunity to kiss the asses of other Five Minute Maniacs. The only thing you have in common with Obi Wan Kenobi is the facial hair, lady.
Their retort: “You’re fired!”
My response: “Can I borrow your copy of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?'”
Frequently heard saying: “As Stephen Covey would say…” “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it” or some other such Dr. Phil like cliché.
Why they bug: FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! They want to lead and inspire yet, unless they are a Disney executive or have appeared on an episode of Undercover Boss, they have no concept of what their employees actually go through on a daily basis. They often do not have a formal education and can be easily intimidated by the people working for them that have obtained degrees. And they should be intimidated. We’re all laughing about the verbiage of your poorly written emails behind your back. Try typing it in Word first. It will show you the mistakes. Perhaps if you had a degree you’d know that. They likely lack that education because they have a difficulty comprehending what they read, which is why the business book genre is so appealing to them. They are fooled into thinking that this is a substitute for a real education by the authors of these books. Plus, there's no plot to follow. If you need some sort of inspirational picture with a line about “Challenges” and “Success” to motivate you, you should probably question why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. I’d also be inclined to guess that your wife left you because you were always at the office or away on business where you are surrounded by ass kissing sycophants. She probably saw through your bullshit and was not about to play your game. Then she got bored and fucked the gardener. For those that are married, you're not fooling anyone. We know you’re really gay and your spouse is a beard. Nothing is faker than that. Or your husband also has a high profile job with the company and you want to be seen so that you have greater opportunity to kiss the asses of other Five Minute Maniacs. The only thing you have in common with Obi Wan Kenobi is the facial hair, lady.
Their retort: “You’re fired!”
My response: “Can I borrow your copy of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?'”
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Pregnant women lie
"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy."
We've all heard this statement before. It is clearly a load of bullshit.
I understand fully that a healthy baby is certainly a priority. When I was pregnant last time and had to have an amnio (which ended up being botched, resulting in a need for a second amnio), wanting a tiny little girl in a fluffy pink blanket was certainly put aside for a more dire concern. But it never went away. And I was crazy excited when the amnio results came and confirmed what the doctor who performed the amnio seemed to find a bit iffy - that my dreams of tea parties, dolls and puppet shows were about to become a reality.
Why can't people just admit they have a preference? Why can't you want a healthy boy or a healthy girl? And really, even if that child is not healthy, will you love it less? I would think that a mother's love for an ailing child is even more profound since there is more on the line and the possibility of something going horribly wrong is a reality that she always stares in the face.
I write this on the eve of my big ultrasound which will hopefully show a healthy child but also the genitals that I prefer. And I get being a little depressed about not getting what you want. For me, one outcome should go off without a hitch and the other will be a bigger challenge in terms of logistics and certain practical elements, like what to name the baby when neither of us can agree and no one wants to back down.
I assure you that I will love this baby no matter what it is, as long as it's not a republican. But there is a certain way that I want things to go tomorrow. And in my vow of honesty and throwing political correctness at the wind, I cannot deny it.
We've all heard this statement before. It is clearly a load of bullshit.
I understand fully that a healthy baby is certainly a priority. When I was pregnant last time and had to have an amnio (which ended up being botched, resulting in a need for a second amnio), wanting a tiny little girl in a fluffy pink blanket was certainly put aside for a more dire concern. But it never went away. And I was crazy excited when the amnio results came and confirmed what the doctor who performed the amnio seemed to find a bit iffy - that my dreams of tea parties, dolls and puppet shows were about to become a reality.
Why can't people just admit they have a preference? Why can't you want a healthy boy or a healthy girl? And really, even if that child is not healthy, will you love it less? I would think that a mother's love for an ailing child is even more profound since there is more on the line and the possibility of something going horribly wrong is a reality that she always stares in the face.
I write this on the eve of my big ultrasound which will hopefully show a healthy child but also the genitals that I prefer. And I get being a little depressed about not getting what you want. For me, one outcome should go off without a hitch and the other will be a bigger challenge in terms of logistics and certain practical elements, like what to name the baby when neither of us can agree and no one wants to back down.
I assure you that I will love this baby no matter what it is, as long as it's not a republican. But there is a certain way that I want things to go tomorrow. And in my vow of honesty and throwing political correctness at the wind, I cannot deny it.
Monday, February 15, 2010
VD at White Castle
As tacky as it may sound, Paul and I went to White Castle for Valentines Day with some friends. I've never been big on fancy restaurants. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable. This was a blast! The journey to White Castle took roughly an hour and a half. But isn't it supposed to be a road trip adventure? Isn't that what that Harold and Kumar movie is all about?
You could feel the love in the air when we arrived. The tables were set with balloons, candles, fake roses and boxes of candy.
There was a paper menu and table service.
Paul and I split the sweetheart special and some chicken rings, much of which I ended up taking home.
This was Stasi's first time at a fast food restaurant. She stuffed her face with french fries and played with a straw. If only she would eat like this at home.
The waitress gave her a little gift bag with a teddy bear and a lollipop. I think she
was regifting. I'm envisioning some creepy customer giving it to the poor lady and that she just wanted to get rid of it. At any rate, it was a nice gesture.
They took our picture for their website. They also took this picture with a Polaroid camera and gave it to us. Stasi was as attentive to the camera as she always is.
Who needs fancy restaurants when you can have kitschy fun like this?
You could feel the love in the air when we arrived. The tables were set with balloons, candles, fake roses and boxes of candy.
There was a paper menu and table service.
Paul and I split the sweetheart special and some chicken rings, much of which I ended up taking home.
This was Stasi's first time at a fast food restaurant. She stuffed her face with french fries and played with a straw. If only she would eat like this at home.
The waitress gave her a little gift bag with a teddy bear and a lollipop. I think she
was regifting. I'm envisioning some creepy customer giving it to the poor lady and that she just wanted to get rid of it. At any rate, it was a nice gesture.
They took our picture for their website. They also took this picture with a Polaroid camera and gave it to us. Stasi was as attentive to the camera as she always is.
Who needs fancy restaurants when you can have kitschy fun like this?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Creep of the week: People who follow too closely
How to recognize them: When driving, look behind you. They are sitting in your trunk. Okay, not really but they are really close. If driving at night, they are likely shining their headlights right in your rear view mirror and blinding you.
Frequently heard saying: “Move your fuckin’ car!” Beeeeeeep!
Why they bug: You fear that, sooner or later, you are going to have to stop suddenly and they are going to ram you. They are likely not paying close attention. They are being reckless. The last thing you need is an accident due to this, especially if you are already running late or you have your children in the car. Back off, asshole!
Their retort: “I said, ‘Move your fuckin’ car! I’m in a hurry.’”
My response: “Me too! I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, though.” “If you can read my license plate, you are too close.” “Since you’re not responding to my hand gesture, I’m going to throw my four way lights on so it looks like I’m breaking but really I’m not. While doing that, I’m going to hit the gas and speed up while you break to keep from hitting me.” “Oh and fuck you!”
Frequently heard saying: “Move your fuckin’ car!” Beeeeeeep!
Why they bug: You fear that, sooner or later, you are going to have to stop suddenly and they are going to ram you. They are likely not paying close attention. They are being reckless. The last thing you need is an accident due to this, especially if you are already running late or you have your children in the car. Back off, asshole!
Their retort: “I said, ‘Move your fuckin’ car! I’m in a hurry.’”
My response: “Me too! I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, though.” “If you can read my license plate, you are too close.” “Since you’re not responding to my hand gesture, I’m going to throw my four way lights on so it looks like I’m breaking but really I’m not. While doing that, I’m going to hit the gas and speed up while you break to keep from hitting me.” “Oh and fuck you!”
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