If I were to write a nice little essay about the importance of the four p's of marketing or time value of money, no one would read this. Besides, I'd have to go back into my notes and look that shit up again. I don't fucking remember shit. But here it is, as promised, the whole ugly truth about grad school.
1. Online degrees are not real degrees.
This might be somewhat controversial because I know a lot of people who will say that as long as you're learning something, you are getting an education. This is true. However, you are not getting the benefit of the full experience. By the time you finish reading this blog, I hope you understand why. There are so many things that you will miss out when not in a classroom atmosphere. These things can only be learned by the human experience and not by books. Trust me.
2. Q: What do high level human resources professionals have in common with tampons?
A: They're both stuck up cunts.
You'll find that most HR people really aren't people people. In fact, most of them are clueless that there are other human beings on the planet and are incapable of having actual friendly relationships. They're snobby and claim to have no recollection of many people that they have encountered.
Case in point 1 - a woman I met who works for a large pharmaceutical company. I know several people who work for said company, who also happen to be in our program. I asked if she knew any of them, knowing full well that she had a class with at least one of them. She had no clue. She just shrugged her shoulders and told me that XYZ drug company was a very large company. How was she to remember people?
Um, it's your job, you stupid bitch.
Case in point 2 - a former friend from high school who ran into one of my best friends. Ok, this example has nothing to do with grad school, but it proves my point. My friend Sherri happened to run into another woman from high school who now happens to work in the HR department where Sherri's mom works. When Sherri mentioned that she knew this particular HR person from high school, the HR person said that she didn't remember Sherri because she had only gone to our school for four years.
Ok. First, there were only slightly over 100 people in my graduating class. It's not like it was a big school. They hung out on a few occasions and had mutual friends. I even have video of them dancing in the same circle at the prom. Second, she was there for four fucking years, not four fucking months! And high school, while maybe not the best time in many people's lives, is definitely one of the most memorable. I'm sure if she thought long and hard about it, it would come to her.
Did you know that Oscar Schindler more or less created his infamous list off the top of his head? Thank god these fucking bitches aren't in a position to save us from genocide. But what is scary is that we put our fates in their hands by putting them in charge of our livelihoods.
3. Every group has at least one slacker and one Nazi.
In grad school, nearly every class you take will involve some sort of group project. In these groups, there is always one control freak who wants to do everything and will not delegate. This suits the slacker of the group just fine. The rest of the group fears and loathes both of these people. At some point, the Nazi breaks and the rest of the group finds themselves scrambling to pick up the pieces, except for the slacker who will probably try to plagiarize their portion of the assignment. This would put the rest of the group in jeopardy for not adhering to various academic honesty problems. So again, they scramble to redo everything the slacker did. And of course, no one cares that the slacker tried to pull this shit because by the time you turn in the paper, you've changed it and done nothing wrong. Professors and other students don't want to make waves. And this is sad because the slacker will go through life repeating this behavior because they can get away with it. And the Nazi will always just control everything.
And while we're on the topic of group work...
4. People are clueless when it comes to passive voice.
Hasn't anyone ever taken an English class before?
5. Grad school will show you who your real friends are.
You're simply not going to have time and energy for everyone and everything. The high maintenance people in your life are not going to be so understanding. And if they are "all or nothing" kind of people, you will lose them. But it's ok. If they're so self-centered that they can't appreciate and support you, they're not friends. They're leaches. Let them go. And appreciate the people who will meet you for dinner at 9:30 pm after class because that's the only time you have free. Appreciate the one who drops everything and leaves work immediately to help you when you get a flat tire on your way to a major presentation. They're true. And you're so lucky to have them.
6. No matter how good the market is, it's a major mistake to buy a new house at the beginning of your program.
You'll never get to enjoy it and it will only distract you. Soft cushy furniture will keep you from getting off your ass and sit in front of the computer. Your craft room will beg to be used. And that pool table? You'll end up forgetting you even own it.
7. The personal crisis is inevitable.
This will hit you about mid way through your program. You will have a total breakdown and engage in destructive behavior. For me, I drank heavily. I started a Thursday night drinking club during the Fall of 2005. In fact, I think I drank just about every night during that semester. I didn't care about anything that was normally important to me. I was difficult to be around. And I cried a lot.
It was stress. Or maybe it was a case of the 29's. At any rate, I never want to go back there.
Ironically, that was my best semester as far as grades go.
And along the same lines...
8. Grad school will age you.
I've found several gray hairs in the last two years. The bags under my eyes are more prominent due to the lack of sleep and insomnia I've experienced. I've gained way too much weight, being an emotional eater and all. I look like hell.
9. Networking Shmetworking
Most likely the people you meet in grad school will be tools. Aside of not knowing anything about passive voice, they will come from very different places. However, they will all fall right into the given stereotypes and preconceived notions that you have about them. For example, people who work for big drug companies are some of the most paranoid freaks you will ever meet. People who went to private colleges for undergrad are clueless as to how to live their lives away from mommy and daddy's money.
My favorite example of this was during my ethics class. We discussed if we thought it was ok for companies to pull credit reports upon hiring a new employee. After one guy made the point that looking at a person's credit report will give an employer a feel for the employee's sense of responsibility and commitment (i.e. they want to do a good job so that they have the money to pay their bills), another girl raised her hand. She said, "But when I was in college, I had a problem buying shoes. I spent a lot of money on shoes and then when the bill came, I couldn't pay it. I don't think that I should be denied a job just because I like shoes."
In another class, a woman who grew up on Philly's main line told the story of how her fiance had to sit her down and explain to her that he can't afford the lifestyle she was accustomed to.
That poor guy.
I can honestly say that out of all of my classes, I've met exactly one person who I intend to remain friends with. I'm sort of relieved to be away from all of those twat waffles.
10. www.ratemyprofessors.com is your friend.
If a professor is not listed on here, it's really a crap shoot. If the professor you expect to have is replaced by an adjunct that no one has ever heard of, run fast and run far. If you have to take this class next semester and delay graduating, it will be worth it. If you have to take an extra class to avoid having to pay back your deferred student loans, it's worth it. This is especially true if the professor is in the midst of getting his PhD, hasn't had a real job in years and when he did have a real job was in upper management for many years. This guy does not know how to explain details. He will expect the world from you and tell you nothing. You will never live up to this guy's expectations and he will take the stresses of his own program out on you.
11. As soon as you're finished, you will want to do everything you've put off all at once.
After your last class, you'll expect to have some sort of weight removed from you shoulders, but truth be told, it will only be heavier. You'll realize that there is a lot of shit to do that has been waiting to be done. You'll have to call that friend you've blown off because of your final. You'll have to make that CD for the CD exchange you signed up for. You'll have to write that letter to your 89 year old Aunt La Rue. She's been waiting to hear from you for months. You'll want to watch all of those movies you received as gifts for the last two years. You'll actually want to clean your house and play a million games of pool.
And if you look below, I've started reading for fun again. And that's all I really want to do. As a matter of fact, I think I'll do that right now. Toodles!
