There's no place like Hell for the holidays

Here are a few reasons why I have earned my one way, all-inclusive package deal to hell this holiday season.

I've redefined the true meaning of Christmas - A certain unnamed subscriber to this blog writes:

"Well, I am just about done with the shopping, and I am already over $1,000 in. I really hate this season... that money could have gotten me the guitar I wanted and the amp to go with it."

Some people might view this statement in a somewhat selfish light. Yes, I've devoted my hard earned cash to my loved ones, but what about ME? Then I got to thinking that we're always told that Jesus is the reason for the season. And really, what could be more Christ-like than the statement above? Jesus is always frontin' like, "Worship ME!" "Follow ME!" "*I'M* God's gift." "*I'M* the reason for the season." "It's MY birthday and YOU should be celebrating it." Yeah sure, Christ was a giver of light and all that shit, but when you think of it, it takes one hell of an ego to expect people to worship you for 2000 years. That in itself is a whole other point. We even measure our time based in when this guy was born. Talk about it being all about him. Does he really need me to be in church? I mean, the core concept of time itself is devoted to him.

Did I mention you're all going to hell with me just for reading this?

You all should just eat my balls - It has been well established that my skills in the kitchen are not quite that of Donna Reed's. Oh hell, they're really not even that of Donna Martin's and I'm fairly certain that rich bitch had a cook. But one thing that I am fairly confident in is my ability to make a holiday treat called Oreo Balls. For those of you not in the know, here is the recipe (a holiday gift for my supportive readers):

One package Double Stuff Oreos
One block cream cheese (8 oz), softened
One package chocolate melting chips (or 1 and 1/2 cups of dipping chocolate)
1/4 cup colored chips to decorate (white chips with a drop or two of food coloring work, too...just be careful not to add too much coloring or the chocolate gets too gummy)

Crush the Oreos until they are finely ground (the easiest way is with a food processor). Add cream cheese and process until well blended (it should have the consistency of paste). Roll into balls. Place on a cookie sheet lined with wax paper and refrigerate for one hour. Melt chips on stove or in microwave according to package directions. Using a spoon, roll ball in melted chocolate and return to cookie sheet. Melt the colored chips and drizzle over the balls for decoration. When you have finished dipping and decorating all the balls, refrigerate again until chocolate hardens. Store in an airtight container in the fridge.

I love making these (although, I hate cleaning up the mess created on the breakfast bar when I'm finished). They're extremely rich, possibly the one thing on the planet that is too rich for me. I usually put them in Gladware and take them to the offices that I visit throughout the month of December.

But here is my secret: I only do this because I get a sick satisfaction in being able to tell my coworkers, "Please! Eat my balls!" Lord knows I want to say this to people on a daily basis. This is the one time of year that I can get away with it and they think I'm playing nice.

December 21st is now a holiday all of its own - Based on the fact that about 90% of the people that I spoke with today were total fucking assholes, I declared December 21st "Dickmas." From the jerk off customer who has decided that I should not be calling him about the large sum of cash he has owed me for the last five months to the douchebag who believes that the fact that we're about to sue him somehow excludes him from paying the interest that has accrued on his account since August, people have just been total tools. From the dickwads in traffic by the shopping areas to the unappreciative twat waffles that were insensitive and thoughtless (just trust me...it would be a whole other blog in itself) so close to the holidays, I just had enough of people.

And speaking of annoying people, where the fuck do they all crawl out of at holiday time? Where do they all come from? I'm fairly certain this is the only time they ever leave their houses because they don't know how to drive, don't know how to be polite and they certainly don't know how to control their kids (yeah yeah, I know, "Wait until your demon seed rears its ugly head." You know me. My children will be afraid to speak until they are at least 21. I'm a scary bitch to most adults. Even sorority sisters think I'm mean. And if my menacing looks and disgruntled disposition do not scare a child into submission, there is always duct tape and leashes...possibly left over from their conception ).

This leads me to an unintended reason for going to hell.

I totally snark on your children behind your back - Nothing is more entertaining during the holiday season than the Christmas cards I receive with family pictures. Although some children are extremely adorable, there are certain ones who are well, not so much. A certain family from a southern state sends us pictures every year of their inbred looking children and I swear they look like engagement portraits. Other people have babies that are so ugly that I question if they threw out the wrong end of the cord. I'm certainly not referring to any of my friends on Myspace or any other frequent viewers of this blog. My Myspace friends only have attractive children.

Not only am I going to hell, but if my future children ever come into existence, they will be "breathtaking." I fully recognize that Karma is a bitch and you will be more than welcome to tell me if my baby is ugly. I will probably deserve it.

All I want for Christmas is a stocking full of Xanax - There are about a zillion self help books out there that will tell you that anger and hostility are just some manifestation of sadness. Now that I'm finished offending all of you, I will admit this is true. (Incidentally, self help books make for lousy Christmas presents. This should go without saying, but a coworker of mine just received one from her boss).

For those of you who don't know, my best friend died in a car accident on Christmas Eve in 2001 at the age of 26. The season is always very bittersweet for me because she loved Christmas so much. And at any minute from November 26th (her birthday) until December 24th, I could have a horrid breakdown and cry at the smallest thing (like a goofy fiber optic Christmas tree, for example...she didn't have room in the apartment for a real tree, so she bought this trippy tacky thing that changed colors and put it on the kitchen table...we would stare at if for like, minutes. ). I keep busy to distract myself. I go to parties. I surround myself with friends. I work like crazy. I get silly drunk and sleep on total strangers couches in weird towns. But at some point every year I find myself slumped over and sobbing uncontrollably.

I know some people reading this care about me to the point where they will want to stop me from doing that. Please don't. I want my time. Just let me have it. Let me be. Don't even acknowledge it. I didn't cry very much when it happened because I was in such shock. And all I could think about at the time was how my plan was to blow her off on Christmas Eve. This was because we were going to exchange gifts that night and hers had not come in as I had won it in an Ebay auction that did not end in time for the shipment to arrive before Christmas (It was an out of print CD that she had been looking for for years. I mean, we even searched for this thing in other countries and couldn't find it. It figures I'd finally find it and she'd never be able to enjoy it). Now I'm ok with just taking the time to be sad for a little while. I will bounce back. It's all good. I think this is how she would have wanted it. She was never much for other peoples' problems. She'd usually just tell them, "Cope," when they'd whine and ramble. But she'd also be pretty pissed if I wasn't at least a little sad. I'll always miss her and will never forget what a good friend she was to me. Rest in peace, my friend.

Love and appreciate those who surround you (except for the asshole strangers that cut you off in traffic or waste your time in store lines when they ask for price checks...fuck those people). And take the time to let them know how you feel about them this holiday season. You may not always have the opportunity to do so.

Merry Christmas/Festivus/Kwanza/Insert whateverthefuckyoupoliticallycorrecthippydipshitscelebratethistimeofyear!

Eat my balls!