1. "Calm down." This usually results in the opposite of the desired effect. And have you ever noticed that the person telling you to calm down is usually the asshole who pissed you off in the first place?
2. "Here is your moment to shine." This is much like 1. It loosely translates into, "I fucked up royally and need you to get me out of a jam. Look at all the glory I'm giving you in my lame attempt to suck up."
3. "Wanna know what I think?" The answer to this is always invariably and emphatically "No."
4. "I can't believe you're up already." Are you aware that the very latest I wake up is 6 AM? And I am sooooooo not a morning person. Sometimes (and really, try to wrap your head around this one), I have to get up at 4 AM to travel to work. I used to come home from a long night of drinking later than that! But really, it's not *that* unbelievable.
5. "Are you pregnant?" This is a "pet" of mine. Unless you are a medical professional or a SCUBA diving instructor, I'm hard pressed to think of an appropriate reason to ask this question. First, someone is either noticeably pregnant or not. It has been my experience that a woman who is not noticeably pregnant will tell you if she's expecting if she wants to tell you and she thinks you need to know. Otherwise, it's none of your business. If she hasn't told you the news and you ask, I can only assume that you think she looks pregnant. That's pretty much the same as calling her fat in my book. And it goes without saying that you NEVER tell a woman she looks fat.
6. "Your eyebrows are not supposed to look like that." Sorry. I couldn't resist that one.
7. "You people." I have always hated this because it creates such an "Us and Them" air. And I really fucking hate Pink Floyd. Seriously, you're not going to accomplish anything by using divisive language like that. It's only going to put the other side on the defensive and make things worse.
8. "You're too young to..." or "I have kids older than you." Ok. That might be true, but I'm still a thirty-something year old woman with a lifetime of experiences behind her, possibly more experiences than your stupid geriatric ass. You don't see me saying, "By the time my mother was your age, she broke her hip." Being the youngest in the family, I always thought that someday I would reach a point where people would stop saying this to me. But it hasn't happened. And I'll never catch up. This may never be rectified without this public service announcement.
9. "I'm sorry," when it is not sincere, especially when accompanied by a big smile. Fuck you. You're not sorry. Don't be fake.
10. "You'll be really sorry when..." after a sincere apology, especially when accompanied by a ridiculous consequence. Case in point - I recently took a chartered bus to Canada. Everyone on the bus had to get off the bus to go through customs at the border. We were waiting in a small vestibule for everyone in the group to finish going through customs or using the facilities (Bus potties are gross!). We started filing out and back to the bus when I recalled my friend mentioning on the bus about a half hour before we went to customs that she was thirsty. Realizing that I had change in my pocket, I started putting coins in the soda machine in the vestibule while the rest of the group entered the bus that was right outside. The bus driver came back in, just as I was putting my second to last coin in the machine.
"You can do that at the hotel!" She scolded.
"I'm sorry. I just put my money in. I'll be right there."
"You'll really be sorry when they keep us here!"
Let me get this straight. The Canadian border patrol is going to detain me for buying a Diet Pepsi?!?! Really?!?!? Does that mean I can apply for citizenship? Besides, the hotel was at least an hour away and there was no vending, just an overpriced minibar. Liar.
I guess I should have been so lucky to have been detained. You'll notice that "ay" did not make the list.
Friday, February 1, 2008
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