Happy Canada Day!

It seems like only yesterday I was roaming the streets of Toronto at 3 AM in my socks looking for a store that was still open that sold condoms. It's hard to believe that five years have passed since that fateful search that turned up nothing but two drunk Americans making out on the Sky Dome steps and my continued amore for our neighbors to the north. Canada, I love you despite your prominent flaws (namely Lake Ontario, Bryan Adams and the entire city of Vancouver). Here are some reasons why (in no particular order).

Second Cup Coffee - Okay, so what if it's not really coffee anymore by the time I'm finished with it. It gets cold up there and it keeps me warm, happy and hyper.

Moxy Fruvous - As cool as it is that I got to see their final show, I really wish this band would reunite. If for no other reason than I would get to see Canada's hottest man Jian Ghomeshi (AKA my next husband). Jian, if you ever happen to read this, you should know that I want to have like 10,000 of your babies. So we better get to work. I'm especially a big fan of their early 90's debut, Bargainville. It was love at first note the day I first heard "My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors." How could I resist lyrics that talked about pounding ouzo with Mario Puzo and cuddling up with that lovable junky William S. Burroughs? The CD also has a serious folky side too with songs about the Persian Gulf war and saving the river valley. Liberal and literate Canadian boys are just so hot.

Lacrosse is Canada's National Sport - Most people don't know that, but you can clearly see that in their culture. One time this Canadian lacrosse player was telling me a story about how he thought someone was breaking into his house so he picked up his lacrosse stick to go take look around. Now, had that happened in the states, he would have picked up a baseball bat, not as practical considering that a lacrosse stick has a net that you could use to detain the burglar. And again, lacrosse has brought us some very attractive Canadian men such as Jeff Ratcliffe, Andrew Martin, and everyone's favorite flag burner - Patty "I was only dancing on it to put out the flames" O'Toole.

The street vendors in Canada sell veggie dogs - and there's nothing like them in stores. After our 2000 trip to Toronto for Canada day, I showed up unannounced at Paul's apartment with a pack of veggie dogs and his favorite condiments. Despite not having the same rubbery texture, this was the move that sealed the deal in his heart. I thought for sure showing up unannounced would scare him off. Damn.

Aero Bars are abundant in Canada - Damn you, Nestle! There's a market for them here. You can keep the mint ones, though. They suck.


Molson Canadian twin labels - I have this bad habit of continuing to buy them all night to see what the next one is going to say...yeah, that's the reason. Marketing geniuses!

Canada has a nicer view of Niagara Falls - It's true. There isn't much to see in upstate New York.

Sue Johanson - This woman makes Dr. Ruth look as repressed as Pat Roberston. There's nothing like getting sex advice from a woman who looks like my grandmother and talks dirty in such a matter of fact way. Take, for example, this excerpt from my favorite episode of the Sunday Night Sex Show.

Caller: Uh, I suffer from premature ejaculation, ay... (caller begins rambling about his problems and I suddenly realize that I recognize this guy's voice. Nice fake Canadian accent, "Ben." You are soooo busted!)

Sue: Well, have you tried a cock ring, dear? (Sue then pulls out this big bag full of brightly colored dildos and other sex devices and pulls out a cock ring to make every man watching very uncomfortable)

I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Sports Betting - I'm a girl who is typically afraid of football pools and March Madness brackets, but this is something I can handle. Pick the winner of three of the day's games (typically baseball or hockey...when there is a hockey season, that is) and your winnings are based on the odds of the game. Don't be put off by that. The computer calculates it for you. Now if only betting on pro lacrosse was an option...

The Kids In the Hall - This show has great characters like Buddy Cole and Kathy with a K (who looks suspiciously like me coworder Cathy with a C) and some great writing and comedic timing ("Mo mo, do you like working here?" "Oh yes! Everyone is so flamable!"). It never gets old, either. *Gasp!* I had the pear dream again.

Crocodile Rock - Yes, I know. Every major city seems to have a bar that goes by this name (thank you, Queenie Elton), but this place is awesome! First off ladies, check your men at the border because this is a total sausage factory and a major ego boost. I believe I was there for all of about 10 minutes by the time three guys hit on me (including a little Frenchy that my husband nicknamed Jean Claude Van Dumbass). It was at this place that I danced with Paul for the first time. And afterward, outside was the first time he told me that he loved me (probably out of fear that I was going to hook up with Jean Claude...it took him another four months to say it again).

Degrassi - It goes there. From the original low budget, bad acting Degrassi Junior High to the shinier newer Degrassi the Next Generation, this show is great for all the wrong reasons. How does everything happen to the same characters at the same school? Take Kathleen from the original series. Okay, let's see, her mom was an alcoholic, she developed an eating disorder, she took what she thought was some sort of drug only to find out that it was just an over the counter medicine and her boyfriend smacked her up a bit (and frankly, who could blame him? She was fucking annoying). And then there's the token teenage mom whose baby daddy takes the diaper money and goes to a concert, drops acid and becomes mentally damaged for life after taking a long walk off of a short bridge. It goes to show that even though they live in the glorious country of Canada, life still sucks.

On tonight's episode, little Emma is all grown up and contracting gonorrhea by becoming Degrassi's blowjob queen. This episode ran nearly a year ago in Canada. Here in the states, we have to wait. And fill in episodes of the now defunct Radio Free Roscoe don't quite reach the same level of cheese. I guess I should be happy that they're even running the episode at all considering an episode about the school slut's abortion was canned on The - N.

I could go on and on about Wayne Gretzky, the beauty of Ottawa, the legality of gay marriages, universal health care, the club district in Montreal and my love affair with the Eaton Centre. But I won't. You'll just have to take a trip and discover some of that joy for yourself.