Bah Humbug

I don't know why, but I just can't get into Christmas this year. I've barely started my shopping. As I write this, I'm procrastinating putting lights and ornaments on the tree that I just finally put up today. I've gone to at least five Christams parties so far (dinner at an arcade/bar/Dave and Busters type of place, a Japanese steak house, dinner at a local bar, a nice luncheon at an inn where I had too many glasses of champaigne and cranberry juice, and a buffet at a comedy club). At each one, I drank and socialized, but I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything lately that I know I'm not feeling the spirit of things like I should be.

I just don't know what's wrong with me lately.

I'd love to sit back and pinpoint this on the fact that my best friend died on Christmas Eve 2001. Darling, I miss you dearly, but I know that just isn't it. Or maybe, I could blame all this on school keeping me busy. That's what I have been doing, but I don't think that's it, either. When I finished and emailed my last midterm, I thought I'd feel a huge weight off my shoulders. But that never came. I still feel burdened and stressed and busy.

Something is just off. It's not that I'm sad or annoyed or anything like that. I'm just removed. My heart isn't into this.

I also didn't ask anyone what they wanted this year. I'm going to try to be creative. So if you're one of the lucky people on my shopping list and you happen to be reading this, please understand my struggle this year to choose a gift and my artisitic need for creativity. And that's all I'm saying right now. You'll understand later.