The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Vegas and Beyond

Hey kids! It's been a while since I've blogged. The end of the semester had me uber busy. Then I took off for Vegas and a road trip through Arizona and Utah for the last week. Now I'm back and here to share the gory details. I must warn you that this will be long and filled with sweeping generalizations. My apologies in advance to those of you who may be the exceptions. And as for the rest of you well, fuck off.

I'd love to give you all the play by play, but you could not possibly be that interested in my obsession with avocados. So here are the good, the bad and the ugly parts for my trip.


THE GOOD


I know I'm stretching here. But I don't want to come off as a total piss ass.

The MGM Casino - I told you I was stretching here. Its probably my favorite because I heard the Pixies while I was there. After all the shit that went down (read on), it was comforting to hear the first three chords of "Monkey Gone to Heaven." I also enjoyed Wolfgang Pucks. And I'm usually not one for nicer restaurants because they make me feel awkward. They have lions on display and we got to see two lion cubs sleeping. I was even up for a little while playing video blackjack, annoying Paul after he was long out of money when I told him that I rarely pay attention to what the dealer has.

Gourmet Ice at the Bellagio - It's so good that after a four mile walk, I walked even more out of my way just to get one. Very tasty and refreshing!

Flyleaf rocked - I've seen them before, but this time was even better because I was closer to the stage and could actually see them. Their stage presence is awesome. They boucne around a lot and have good energy. I also know more of their music this time because Paul bought their CD a few weeks ago and has been playing it incessantly.

Tom Jones was not so bad either - Tom Jones was a bit of a novelty to me and a couple of my friends a few years ago. And going to Vegas, I had to go see some big cheesy show. I would have preferred Barry Manilow (I love him for realz, y'all), but unfortunately, he was off this week. And this was the only week I could go on vacation because of my school schedule and Paul's work schedule. Anyway, Tom Jones is an old effeminate Welsh guy who sang his goofy songs along with a few covers like "We've Got Tonight" and "Mama Told Me Not to Come," which really reminded me of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I think he's doing his keyboard player. During "Delilah," a 75 year old woman threw a lacy red thong up on stage. Very wild. We sat front row (my knees were actually resting against the stage) with nice people from Kansas who were seeing Tom for the 48th time (no joke). I felt way too young to be there, but I had a great time.

Midori Margaritas at the Mexican place in New York, New York - Well, you had to expect that anything with the words "Midori" and "margarita" would make my list.

The Double Down Saloon - It's been called a local hangout, but most of the travel guides that I have mention it. Hmmmm...Anyway, this was a punk bar. Very cool. We met a band from Philly there called Jukebox Heroes and they had Richard Cheese on their jukebox.

Spa suite at the Luxor - I'm a firm believer that you're not supposed to enjoy your hotel room more than the city you're visiting. But I did. I would have had a better time holed up their for that portion of the trip.

Radio ads for midget strippers and drug paraphernalia - Only in Vegas.

Arizona - I loved Flagstaff. Did you know that you can get the New York Times there? And some people think you can't get it in Tamaqua (yes, Im still bitter about that). Anyway, the Grand Canyon was pretty. The drive there was, too. And for most of that drive we were listening to an alternative radio station that really made me sad that the eastern part of PA does not have one. The University of Northern Arizona was cool, but there were people driving on the sidewalks.

Utah - The most important thing to know about Utah is that I loved Zion National Park. It made me want to hike! Me! The girl who is allergic to daylight who has sprained both of her ankles on numerous occassions and is also known as the walking bug buffet. There were all these trails that you could take and we didn't have enough time to do them all. That part, I would gladly visit again. We also saw Arches National Park, Bryce Canyon National Park and Capitol Reef National Park as well. They were also very pretty, although a killer canary went right for Paul's head at Bryce Canton, barely missing him by eight feet. It's a good thing he ducked. Utah also sells something called Polygamy Porter with the slogan "Why have just one?" Loved it!



THE BAD

Losing sucks - There really wasn't even a point where I was ahead in my gambling. And overall, I lost pretty much all that I had budgeted for gambling. It sucked! I tried sports betting and came close to winning. I got two out of three right on my three team baseball parlay. So, I'd like to take this moment to send out an extra special "fuck you" to the Texas Rangers for screwing that up for me.

The view from the Stratosphere - No matter how high the view is, Vegas is still a dump.

People don't leave you the fuck alone - Seriously, did that lady really need to stop me in the middle of my video blackjack game just to tell me that the souvenir glass I was drinking from should not go in the dishwasher? Did the people at the Stratosphere really need to take my picture twice for one of those goofy green screen fake pictures before I went to the top, only to tell me that I was going to blend into the background because I was wearing green?

Its really fucking hot there - Look, I'm all for warm. I loved San Diego's weather. But 105 degrees in May is too much. "But, Chrissy, its a dry heat!" Yeah, so is the heat in my oven, but I don't crawl in there for fun. Plus, I'm a firm believer that 90he population looks better with clothes on. Ladies, just because low rise jeans are cool, that does not mean that you look good in them. Lets not kid ourselves. Cover that shit up.

I cut myself shaving - And I dont mean my ankle.

People are dumb and slow - And they stop right in front of you to look around. If you did that in New York, you'd get your wallet stolen. They don't walk on people movers or escalators. So, its actually faster not to take them. Everything is slow. Maybe I'm just the most east coastiest girl ever because I walk fast, talk fast and have little patience for, well, anything. This is a city. Things should move at the city rate.



THE UGLY

Guys from LA who think they are Vince Vaughn's character in Swingers - So were waiting for the inclinator at the Luxor and two of them come down at about the same time. We were in a hurry to get to the Flyleaf show and I wanted to run to the room to change into more comfortable shoes. A group of three thritysomething aged men were waiting for the inclinator, too. We went into one. They went into the other. The inclinator required a key. I put mine in, punched the button for my floor and the door closed. Five seconds later, it opened again and all the three guys got in. They push the button for their floor, but it didnt light up. Why? Because the moron didnt use his key. So he pushes the button again and then puts in his key and says, "See! Its broken!"

I moved over and said, "No, it worked just fine until you got in here." I put my key in, pushed my floor button and his, while the other two imbeciles said, "Oooh! Whoa!" Paul told them to settle down.

The moron starts to say, "Hey, were all guests at the same hotel, here."

"But we were in a bit of a hurry and youre holding us up," I said.

"Well, thats not our problem," Dick #2 said.

And I said, "Well, its not my problem that youre friend is too big of a fuckin' moron to know how to use an elevator. He fucked up the other one and now he's here wasting my time."

Dick #3 said, "It's broken. Do we look like maintenance?"

I bit my tongue because I had a thousand answers to that question. But I decided to drop it. However, they didn't want to drop it.

"I take it you guys are from the east coast," said Dick #2. I nodded. "Thats so sad," he offered.

"Well, Im sorry. We have lives. We have things to do and we get a lot more done than you guys ever will." I couldnt stop myself.

"I doubt it," said Dick #2.

"You know, you're right. Were always being held up my morons who are so stupid they don't even know how to work an elevator," I shot back.

At that point, we were at our floor.

"Have a nice night," Dick #1 said to Paul. "Although I doubt you will with her."

"Yeah, she needs to get laid," said Dick #3, which lead to a big Fuck you battle.

I took their advice, but the city still sucked and it didnt make any morons or assholes go away. And I would bet if they took their own advice, they would have to pay for it in one way or another. Ugly, arrogant and stupid will not get you chicks.

This leads me to my next point.

Vegas caters to the lowest common denominator - This whole concept of what happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas really attracts the biggest pieces of shit in the coutry. People drive like dicks, think they're much prettier than they really are and are so fucking full of themselves and arrogant that I would love to see the entire city just go up in flames. The same people from California are never in a hurry to do anything until they get behind the wheels of their cars. Then, they'd run over their grandma if she got in their way. A guy in the parking garage made a turn at about 50 mph, nearly hitting us, looked at us all cocky with his sunglasses on and his bad rap music blaring and I could barely keep myself from screaming, "Dude, you're driving a Buick!" When we rolled back into town after our excursion, we were treated to snotty service at, get this, The Best Western! Dude, at best this place is worth 2 and a half stars. You're in no position to be a snob. People think everything is so ritzy and glamorous when really, unless your last name is Hilton, you are a nobody. The only thing you have in common with a Hilton is that you are both inconsequential to society. Now I know why Hunter S. Thompson was tripping on mescaline at Circus Circus. It's the only thing that would make it bearable.

And nothing is original - The casinos are all copied from something else. I've been to the real Paris and the real Eiffle tower (and it cost less to go there, too, I might add). It's nothing like Vegas. I've been to New York and it's not like the casino. Why dress it up and give it a theme for something that already exists and is a 1,000 times better? Even that Gourmet Ice that I loved so much is nothing more than a cherry slushy. The only part of the city that I thought was a little close to cool was Fremont Street. But even that seemed to be loaded with white trash.

Lee Greenwood ruined the Bellagio fountain show for me - After seeing the fountain show the first time, I would have put it in "The Good" section. But the second time I saw it, they played that "Proud to be an American" bullshit that made me want to defect to Canada. I looked around. If I was supposed to be proud to be included in the hoards of the dregs of society in that city surrounding me, then I guess I'm not a very good American. I don't want to be one of those people.

When we got back to the Philly airport, which I also despise (another blog for another day), I stopped to ask a man where the baggage claim was for Southwest Airlines. He rolled his eyes at me. Apparently, I was not the first to ask him that question. He said, "It's in the next terminal. And do your fellow passengers a favor and go back upstairs and tell someone at that desk that they need to put up a sign..."

I cut him off. "I don't work here, buddy."

I guess we all get our turn to be the asshole. Welcome back to the east coast.