Saturday, February 17th, 2007
As most people who know me would tell you, my social life tends to revolve around professional lacrosse between late December and early May. Knowing that I wanted to take this trip early in the year to escape snow and cold and also possibly save a vacation day by using the Presidents' Day holiday, I booked a flight and a cruise that would leave after a game and wouldn't interfere with any home games since I would have to waste my season tickets.
Unfortunately, the Wings lost. But I didn't care. While everyone else was pissy about the loss at the post game party, I smiled. "I don't care. I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow," I said.
When Paul, my Amazing Race partner in training, and I got back to the airport Sheraton, we found ourselves kicking and jumping on snow in an attempt to shovel a space out a bit for parking for the week. I'm sure this was quite a sight.
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
The flight out was really early. We were to change planes in Dallas. We got to the gate and on board without incident. However, as soon as we were up in the air, I discovered that my iPod would not turn on. This was extremely disappointing considering that I spent hours loading songs with this trip and the eleven hour flight in mind. I bought a charger when I got to Dallas, but it didn't seem to do much good. I resigned to the music offered on the plane, which wasn't awful, I guess and watched Dodge Ball.
Yes, that's right. Dodge Ball. As in, the movie that was out like, two years ago. I'm going to start right now by telling you that American Airlines really blows. And I plan on finishing by telling you how badly. But I'll start with the minor annoyances, the bad amenities. They also charge for food. I think they wanted $3 for one of those cookies that you get at a convenience store for about 50 cents. And they no longer offer Mai Tai's! Oh well, there was more of those to be had later.
We got off the plane and cabbed it to Waikiki. I realized that due to some absent minded and hurried packing on my part, I forgot to pack some essentials. We made our way out to pick up the odds and ends and explore the beach a little. My iPod started charging, which was cool. I was kind of worried there was something wrong with it. We had dinner and Mai Tai's at some bar and grill place that sold Big Kahuna Burgers (think Pulp Fiction) and had them just for the novelty of it. Then we took a long walk to the Hard Rock Cafe to get my sister Lori a t-shirt since she collects the city shirts. I was exhausted, but trekked along anyway. I'm a good sister.
Waikiki Beach is kind of small. See?
After the walk, I drank some sort of juice that consisted of strawberry, guava and passion fruit and completely passed out.
Monday, February 19th, 2007
I had a little bit of a klutzy mishap in the morning that left me bleeding (again, those who know me probably aren't surprised), this caused us to get off on a later start than we had planned. We were heading to tour the Pearl Harbor memorial at the USS Arizona. To further complicate things, the transportation that the hotel called for us was late. This lead to a downward spiral by the time we reached the memorial. Tour buses had arrived and we would have to wait an hour and half for our tour.
The tour consists of a history movie and a boat trip out to the memorial where you can actually see where the ship is still sunk under the water. I got a good seat on the boat going over, to take some pictures. I tried turning on my camera and discovered that the battery was dead. My camera is brand new and I didn't realize that it was a rechargeable battery. Of course, I didn't bother bringing the battery charger with me. So, I didn't get any pictures, unfortunately. I bought a couple post cards so that I'll at least have something for the scrapbook. Other than that, the memorial was an awesome sight. There is a wall with the names of the soldiers who died during the attack. And you can also see oil still coming out of the ship resting on the water. Fascinating.
We were late checking out because of our little time setback, but it ended up being ok. I ran out to get a battery charger and an extra battery. Fortunately, I was paying attention during my walk the day before and remembered seeing a camera shop.
We cabbed our way to our cruise ship, the Pride of Hawaii and stood in incredibly long lines to drop off luggage, go through security and get boarding passes. The joke of the whole thing is that even after you have your boarding pass, they make you stand in line to get some sort of souvenir photo taken with a green screen. This is total bullshit. I'm not buying your fucking photo. Get me on the ship and I'll buy a few drinks. Don't they realize they're bound to make more money that way?
I discussed this with two men from Australia on the way in. I observed during my week that the people on the ship seemed to come from three places overall - Australia, Japan and Texas.
After the bullshit safety drill that they are required to run (you take your life jackets to a large meeting area and wait...yeah, like if that ship goes down like the Titanic, we're all going to be calm and wait), and a really bad dinner at the buffet, we grabbed a few Hawaiian beers.
We went to see the ship's comedian (who sucked) and had a few Mai Tai's at the club. It was then that I realized that this ship was really rocky. I got seasick. And the alcohol didn't help.
Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
Come on, kids. You know I don't get hangovers. But I struggled getting ready for our planned excursion in Hilo. I was really seasick. And since I didn't expect to feel any motion (my last cruise was completely stable), I had no Dramamine with me.
Somehow, I pulled myself together and made it on the bus with my tour guide Cousin Hank.
He took us to Rainbow Falls
Nani Mau Gardens (which means Forever Beautiful)
Volcanoes National Park
Where I walked through a lava tube
And had an altar to some goddess who liked fruit and gin
(Notice the gin is missing )
And a Macadamia Nut Factory which is actually owned by Hershey.
Cousin Hank told us a lot about Hawaiian folklore. But after I heard conflicting stories about whether or not there are reptiles on the islands, I started to wonder if all Hawaiian tour guides are just full of shit. Eh, who cares? At least the stories were entertaining.
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
I felt better Wednesday morning. We set off to go whale watching. This was probably my favorite part of the trip. We got on this little boat with a really cool crew of guys. They taught us a lot about whales and how to spot them, how often the breach the surface, etc. We anchored out a bit and were actually able to listen to them via some sort of sound devices. We watched two idiots in a kayak in the middle of the ocean try to negotiate their way around the large animals. Towards the end of the excursion, a whale popped out of the water about 25 feet from the boat. Of course, I had put my camera away at that point, figuring that we had seen the last of them. I was actually so stunned that it came so close, I doubt I would have been able to pull off a good shot anyway. Most of the time, when we saw them, it looked like this.
In the afternoon, I hung out on the deck with my iPod and got a bad sunburn. Later that evening, I attended a luau, where I sat with some older people from Chicago and Saskatchewan. The people from Chicago were extremely nice. They told me about when they came to Hawaii as part of a four month honeymoon. I couldn't even begin to fathom what a four month honeymoon would be like. I could only imagine it ending in divorce.
The food was ok, the Mai Tai's were watered down, but the entertainment was decent - male and female hula dancers, fire eaters, Hawaiian music. The luau was at resort in Maui. The sunset was beautiful.
Several buses took us all back to the ship. I happened to end up on a bus with an oldies music purist who spouted a lot of sanctimonious bullshit about how the music of the 50's is far superior to anything else today and that people don't appreciate it. Ok, I have nothing but respect for someone who has passion for music. But just because you prefer something to the oldies, doesn't mean that you can't appreciate what you're hearing. He went on tirades about how musicians don't even have to be on the same continent anymore to record and mix music. I see no problem with this.
But what really got me was that he played "Donna" and encouraged us to yell out the names of famous musicians who died in plane crashes besides Ritchie Valenz, et al. This probably isn't a good topic of conversation for a bunch of mainlanders.
"Stevie Ray Vaughn," I yelled. Oh well. At least if my plane went down, I'd be in good company.
And just when I thought I met the biggest asshole of the night, as I boarded the ship, a crew member handed me a coupon for the photo gallery and told me in a very loud voice that I'd be able to find aloe for my sunburn in the gift shop next door. Thanks, dick.
Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
I laughed when I saw myself in the mirror. My face was burned, except for the lines around my eyes where I left my sunglasses on the day before. I looked like Ace Frehley.
I didn't really do much that day - a little shopping, some juice at Jamaba Juice where the girl behind the counter laughed when I said that this was one of the best vacations I was ever on. I sat on the deck and listened to the house band, despite the horrid sounds of "Stairway to Heaven" and "Mustang Sally." I went to the see the magic show on board and had a late dinner at the Italian restaurant on board.
Friday, February 23rd, 2007
Oh, you're still reading this?
This is the part of the trip where I started to get homesick and sick of cruise ship people in general.
Friday found us in Kona, which was a pretty cool part of Hawaii. Because there was nowhere for the boat to dock, we had to take tender boats to shore.
The plan for the morning was to take a submarine ride. After a run in with what I believe was a drag queen in the ladies' room, I got on yet another boat to go to a 50 passenger submarine that went 100 feet down to a landing at the bottom of the ocean. Everyone was really crammed in, but there was a portal for everyone. I almost got kicked in the face climbing down the ladder to get into it. We didn't really see much down there...coral reef, some fish, some sand. It was ok, I guess. I can say that I did it. And it seems that any sort of adventure in the water in Hawaii involves hot tour guides.
I spent the rest of the afternoon walking around the little shops in Kona. I had a pretty good smoothie and bought a t-shirt that was dyed with beer and a little Christmas tree ornament made from a starfish. Security was pretty rough with my bag on the way back on the ship and I worried that they would break it.
The tender boat driver took a bit of a turn and we couldn't figure out why until we saw a bunch of dolphins. We watched them some more during lunch.
That night for dinner, we were treated kind of rudely by a maitre d' (Butch Hammedy...that's right, I got your name, mother fucker) in one of the specialty restaurants who claimed to not have our reservation (in actuality, he was looking at the wrong list...he later apologized, but seemed to still try to make it sound like it was our fault for making our reservation later than when the paper was printed...despite the updated copy at the podium). I'm not usually one to complain (actually, I should have just been satisfied when I told him to blow me), but in the back of my mind I heard the voice of Dr. Alan, my marketing professor telling me to speak up when you get bad service so that the problem can be corrected. So we did, but on the way we ran into the nice people from the luau and I felt really bad complaining after talking to them.
We went to the show that night...a Broadway review featuring the likes of Mama Mia. All of the singers sucked except for one. But when she started singing "Winner Takes it All," I broke into a fit of giggles.
We went to the club after that, but since the ship was moving I was afraid to drink. The band they had was really good. Too bad I didn't have anyone to dance with.
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
We were in Nawhilili, Kauai for the weekend. I slept in Saturday and then went to Marriott Gardens and the beach. I lost my fling flong in the water. Paul got it for me.
We walked around a little and took a shuttle bus to Hilo Hatties where I bought a little sundress. We went back to the ship to get ready for a sunset sail that we had booked, but we learned that it was cancelled due to muddy water.
So we went back out and had drinks and appetizers at Duke's. It was there that I had a really good passion fruit daiquiri. We also had some crab wontons and calamari. We went back to the ship and decided to go see the show for the night.
It seemed like a good idea. It was supposed to be a rock show. It ended up with a Who medley that would leave Pete Townshend thankful for his hearing loss. I took a walk up on the deck and came back and watched The Family Stone. We ordered a late snack from room service that ended up to be this gooey chocolate thing. That was actually pretty good.
Sunday, February 25th, 2007
Since our other excursion was cancelled, we decided to take a bus ride around Kauai to see another waterfall and the land called Hanalei. We also went to a guava plantation where we had the best juice I have ever tasted.
The important thing to know about the island of Kauai is that it is grossly inhabited by the Polynesian Jungle Fowl. They look like this:
We had lunch at the buffet where a happy little Asian guy gleefully yelled, "I'm making PASTA!" to anyone who walked by. Then I stretched out on the deck for a little while in an attempt to even out my tan.
I got seasick again. This time, I wasn't even drinking. I had picked up some Dramamine at one of the shops earlier in the week. I took it and immediately fell asleep.
Later, the boat cruised by the Napali Coast. It was gorgeous.
I went back to the room and packed. Then I went back on deck to try to take in the sunset. I eavesdropped on a man and a woman who were discussing what primitive Hawaiian women did for feminine hygiene products since they did not have cloth like the Europeans did. This somehow lead to a discussion about how everything in the world has a purpose, including sharks and AIDS. I wanted to ask them how they managed to get their pot past security.
We had dinner at one of the nicer dining area on the ship and were treated well, partially because of the screw up from earlier in the week. It sucks that something bad had to happen to get good service. We went back to the room and set our bags out to be taken directly to the airport (I had little faith in the system, but didn't want to lug all my shit around the next day). I was sad to go, but homesick all at the same time. It was very bittersweet.
Monday, February 26th, 2007
I didn't want to get up that morning. I had a dream that I was making out with Eric Nies, for some reason. Maybe it was because I kept thinking about my aerobics tape the whole time I was gone.
We had breakfast, took some pictures and then got off the boat. We lined up to get a cab to take us to the University of Hawaii to get some sweatshirts and just have a look around. There was an excitable man directing people into the cabs. When we got into ours, the driver (who was Asian) said, "Fuck that Korean guy!" At first, I thought I misheard him. But then I heard him again. I guess he didn't like how he was giving more customers to the other Korean cab drivers.
We bought sweatshirts and someone called us another cab. We people watched a little. I noticed that a lot of the people there wore their sandals and flip flops too small.
The cab driver finally found us after calling us a bunch of times. He asked where we were from and we told him the Philadelphia area. Turns out he was a bit of an Eagles fan. And he asked us about cheesesteaks. He thought that the whiz that they show on tv was mustard. I taught him the proper way to order, should he ever find himself at Pat's.
We got to the airport and checked the duffle bag that we had since it had some liquids in it. The airport seemed to be overrun with midgets and deformed people. We had two more Kona Longboard drafts.
I got on the plane and felt like crying. I was really going to miss Hawaii and didn't want to come back to work and life around here in the cold and snow. What made it worse was that there was some sort of issue with the cargo and the pilot had to take the plane back to the gate to readjust. This made me a bit nervous. I'm usually not afraid to fly, but going over the ocean can be a bit unnerving.
The flight attendant gave me a can of Sprite. It tasted funny at first. Then I realized that the can came from the Netherlands. It seems that they use local water and use sugar instead of syrup. That might be the only thing I learned in my global business class.
We changed planes without issue in Dallas. A girl around my age, maybe a little younger was traveling by herself with an infant. I helped her carry her stuff off the plane in Philly. We went down to baggage claim and, almost immediately, the bags that we checked from the ship appeared. The duffle bag that we checked at the airport is still missing, however. I had to run out and buy all new makeup and toiletries today. The girl with the baby said that some of her bags were open and missing items. Another guy was told that his bags were probably left at their home airport simply because they were too heavy and would cause the plane to fall out of the sky (I'm not kidding).
And could someone please tell me why they bar code luggage if they don't use it for tracking purposes?
And that is why I will never fly with American Airlines again (see, I told you I'd get back to it).
GENERAL NOTES
Choose Royal
If you have to choose between Norwegian and Royal Caribbean, choose Royal. Norwegian's Freestyle Cruising is nothing but an inconvenience. Their ships are grossly understaffed and lack the seasoned professionalism of Royal.
Take the Steps
You're going to want to try all sorts of new foods and enjoy yourself. This could cause you to feel like a cow. Also, the average person gains on pound per day when on a cruise. As a result, you should always take the steps and avoid shuttle buses unless you don't know where you are going or your destination is extremely far away.
No Photos Please
There are photographers everywhere. As I overheard one of them bitching about her pay, I learned that they are not paid an hourly rate. They are paid by the number of photos and by commissions. As a result, they will be difficult to avoid. And when you're hideously unattractive, this can be really uncomfortable.
Don't wear your sunglasses while tanning
Even if Ace is your favorite member of Kiss.
I wouldn't say this if I didn't really mean it
Don't drink if you know the boat will be in motion. Nothing is worse than motion sickness.
You will never be dressed appropriately
If you wear shorts, you will be cold. If you wear long pants, you will be hot.
Yeah, I feel safe
If you place your hand over your watch or your belt buckle when going through a metal detector, it will not go off.
People will stop short right in front of you for no reason.
So kick them.
Hawaii is very 70's.
But for some reason, the people there love their 50's music.
If I hear that "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" medley one more time, I might kill myself.
