FAQ's from my first pregnancy

Sorry I've been so distant lately, kids. I just don't have much to report. However, I have been getting a lot of questions regarding my little bundle of joy. So I will try to answer some of them here so that you don't have to ask and I don't have to repeat myself constantly. I love that you all care so much and truly appreciate it. But I'm starting to feel like one of those dolls that you pull a string out of its ass and it says the same thing over and over. Here goes.

How are you feeling?

Possible answers:

"Fine"

"Tired"

"Fat"

"Like I have to pee"

"Hungry"

"Like my insides are trying to escape through my belly button"

"Like kicking the next person who asks me how I'm feeling"

"Frustrated that I can't have a margarita"

The answer I will probably give you:

"Fine"

When is your due date?

September 28th is 40 weeks, although my FMLA paperwork says October 1st. But I will most likely go on any given Sunday between September 21st and October 12th during an Eagles game.

Do you know if it's a girl or a boy?

It's a girl!

Aren't you cheating by finding that out ahead of time?

Are you kidding? I read spoilers on my favorite tv shows. You think I'm going to wait nine months to find out what I'm going to be stuck with for the rest of my life?

Do you have a name picked out?

Yes.

Well? What is it?

I stopped telling people when my sister responded with, "You know that's the name of the ugly step sister in Cinderella, right?"

What room are you using for a nursery?

The guest room. That way, when people come to visit they can take care of her for me.

Just kidding. You're still welcome to stay and sleep on the pull out couch.

Are you going to paint the room?

Fuck no. I'm too lazy for that shit. Besides, once the market picks up, I'd like to sell the house and move the fuck out of Berks County.

You really should paint. You'll be sorry when your kid pees on the walls and you have projectile vomit everywhere. You'll never get that out of the builder's paint. Why won't you paint?

Um, first off, little girls don't quite pee on walls the same way little boys do (maybe I should consider getting a new carpet instead?). And under the projectile vomit premise, I may as well paint the whole damn house then, shouldn't I? And, genius, the reason why you're having so much trouble getting stains out of your walls is because they are colored and you can't use a Magic Eraser on them. Now that the Magic Eraser has been invented there is no reason to paint your walls if you have kids. You're better off keeping them white.

Does the baby kick?

Yes. And so do I. If you put your hand on my belly you will find out which one of us kicks on purpose.

You sure are getting big, aren't you?

Yes. Thanks, dick.

Are you sure there's only one in there?

I mentioned that I kick, right?

Are you excited?

Sometimes. Other times I'm terrified. And still other times I question if I've completely lost my mind.

How are you feeling?

Oh....shut the fu-

Fine.