Hard Luck Woman

Why is it that when I plan something nice, it always goes horrifically wrong? Yet, when I scheme something that's on the naughty girl side, I pull it off without a glitch?

For the past week, I came up with this plan that I was going to cook these pork tenderloin things for Paul for his birthday. Those of you who know me well know that I can barely make toast and powdered iced tea mix. So this was a really big deal and a really big surprise for me to pull off. It was all I thought about all day.

I ordered a coffee flavored ice cream cake from Coldstone Creamery for him last week. Of course, my dad had a cake for him yesterday and his parents did too. So we already had a lot of leftover cake, but thankfully no one got him an ice cream cake and I know how much he loves a good one. I still needed a few things from the store to make the meal and there is a grocery store in the same shopping complex as Coldstone. I figured I'd grab a few things, pick up the cake and be home by 6 pm, right?

Wrong.

Well, I made it to the grocery store. Looked everywhere for breadcrumbs and then finally found them...BY THE BREAD! Go figure! I got back into the car to go to Coldstone which is in another building of the shopping complex across the road. But as I was driving, I noticed people staring at me more than usual. And my little electric car that is usually silent when going under 25 mph was actually making noise. I pulled into Coldstone and discovered my tire was completely flat. Well, ok, maybe just flat on the bottom. But still. I wasn't going anywhere.

What to do? AAA or Toyota Roadside? I figured I'd have to use Toyota, right? So I call, and the guy asks me if I'm in a safe place and I said yes. Then he asked where I was and I told him the name of the shopping complex. Then he gets all indignant and is like, "Ma'am, I'm in Arizona. I don't know what you're talking about." Thanks, asshole. This shopping complex is right on the border of two towns and I wasn't exactly sure which I was in, but the guy finally figured it out and remorsefully joked with me about going into Coldstone and getting some strawberry shortcake ice cream. I called Paul and left a message for him to call me back on my cell. I was going to have to ruin his surprise because I learned that it would take 45 minutes for someone to come help me. I'm pretty sure I know how to change a tire, but goddamn it, I pay for these services, I should use them. And I was still in my work clothes.

Then I tried calling Tommy at the house to let him know that he should probably eat dinner, but I think he's afraid to answer the phone here. And I didn't have his cell. So then, I did what every princess does when she's in a jam.

I called my daddy and cried.

He told me that it was okay. That I had a good heart for even thinking about doing what I was doing for Paul and that he'd understand. And he was right. But it still had me upset.

But nothing cures tears like ice cream. So I ran into Coldstone and told them that I hadn't forgotten the cake and explained the situation. Then I had some Irish Cream icecream with Oreo pieces. I felt a little better.

So then Paul called me back and I had to tell him. More crying. Paul left work and said he'd come sit with me while I waited. He called Tommy and told him to eat. As I was waiting, this lady parked next to me in a big SUV and had this obnoxious little tie dyed clad child who kept saying, "MOM! MOOOM! That car has a flat tire! That tire's flat! Is that bad?" And she was like, "Yes, that's very bad."

I've never actually wanted to kick a child in the nuts before.

So Paul got there and I climed into the Protege and waited. Then I get a call from a chick (!) saying that she was trying to find me "They said you were at some creamery??!?! I'm at Turkey Hill. I'll turn around and come back." I'm thinking "Great! Some diesel dyke is coming to help the little princess with the flat tire at the mall." I felt so dumb. Then the girl showed up...all 90 pounds of her, in butterfly fling flongs with nicely pedicured toes. That's about when Paul joined me in feeling dumb. Turns out I ran over a nail. It must have happened at work. Four years I've been at that place and I never ran over a nail. Why today when I had such great intentions?

We ended up getting sandwiches at Panera and I picked up the cake. When I got back to my car, I started it up. I noticed one of my doors was open, so I got out of the car to figure out which one. But I forgot to put it in park (see, in the Prius, "park" isn't an option on the gear shift. There's this button that you press and I just forgot.) Of course I didn't notice all the warning lights that went on when I opened the door. I was too far gone until I felt the car slowing going forward while I was now out of it. I jumped back in and put it in park. I'm sure the children nearby learned a few new words.

Luckily, I made it home. Of course, when I got home I discovered that the cake wouldn't fit in the freezer!!! Grrrrr!

Paul has to drive the car tomorrow to get my new tire since I have to go to Philly and have school. He's afraid to drive it. This should be interesting.

It's not like I wasn't stressed enough with school starting tomorrow...geez!