An Open Letter to My New Nephew

Dear Michael,

Welcome to this world. As part of the family, I feel there are a few things you need to know.

1. Your mother is so happy that you are here. She loves you and your sister and truly values family like no one else that I know.

But you should be forewarned. She has never had an unexpressed thought in her life. I'm so looking forward to when you and your sister are teenagers and start talking to her the way she talks to everyone else. I'm going to love that.

2. Your sister is adorable. She's very excited to get to know you. My heart melted tonight when she asked your mom if she could hold you and she did. Too bad I forgot the camera.

But the girl has a little bit of the devil in her. Be careful. She's not as cute as she looks.

3. Gramps is a cool guy and I hope you get to know him. He always wanted a little boy like you and so did your grandma before she passed away (side note - I can't believe he actually told me "Your mom was so depressed after she had you" and then quickly added "because you were a girl."). And I hope you learn to hunt because someday you will inherit a fairly substantial gun collection.

4. Aunt Karen is very smart. She's a little wacky sometimes, but listen to her because she will teach you lots of stuff. That's how I got to be so smart.

5. Your Aunt Tracy is a hippy. And Uncle Shawn? Yeah, he's a little scary, but don't worry. Those funny little cigarettes they smoke are strawberry cigarettes.

6. Aunt Chrissy is the coolest person you will ever meet. She'll buy you beer when you're in high school and she'll be nice to your girlfriends...or boyfriends, whatever the case may be. She's especially happy that you're here because you're taking some pressure off of her to get you some cousins. That's just way too much for her little head to handle right now. And the thought of giving up drinking for nine months makes her break out in hives.

7. As for the rest of your life, always find balance between your heart and mind in everything you do. Be a nice guy. The person who appreciates that will be well worth the ones who don't. Don't hit girls. Don't hurt animals. Don't burn things. Read lots of books. Try new things. Don't be afraid to get out into the world and live. Stand on your own two feet, but don't be afraid to turn to those you love when you need them.

8. We all love you very very much.

Love,

Your Aunt Chrissy

(the coolest person you'll ever meet)