Cross Country Jaunt III - Eastward Ho!

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

We left Seattle for our ultimate destination - the beach in Astoria, Oregon where we got our car stuck on a previous trip. This time, we would see it in the daylight. We loaded up the car. As we were driving a rock flew up and chipped the window of our rental car. Ssssshhhh! Don't tell the rental company.

When we got to the beach, we discovered a parking lot literally a few yards from where we got the car stuck last time. That would have been useful. A bunch of other people were there with two horses. We tried to walk down a path in the tall grass that lead to the beach, but ended up just walking in the grass because there was horse shit on the trail. We walked on the beach briefly and called our dads. Then we started a slow ride back that was ridden with traffic and construction. Curses! We lost a lot of time because of this. I started eating the crack balls and found a cool radio station. The dj told this funny story about David Hasselhoff at Wimbledon that I couldn't wait to get back and share with everyone. I stayed awake until we were just outside of Portland. Then I dozed off again.

My slumber ended abruptly when Paul saw mountain sheep on the side of the road and started screaming. He's always looking for mountain sheep when we travel. I fell back to sleep. Paul said I missed a waterfall. I also realized that I lost my comb at this point. I was getting cranky again.

We stopped for gas and drinks in some little podunk town in Oregon. Paul pumped the gas and I went in for the drinks. When I first walked in, the cashier was hounding some guy who apparently owed her money. He was very obviously blowing her off and she was getting pissed. He then walked out without paying her and without giving her a clear idea of when she would be paid.

I found a comb. I walked up to the counter. It's important to know that I was the only person in the entire place by the time I was ready to check out.

The chick behind the counter looked at me and said, "Is that all?" I told her it was. She said, "You need to get in line over there. This is the diesel line."

"Where?" I asked because her point was kind of vague. I took exactly two steps to my left.

She sighed deeply, obviously annoyed with my stupid question. "Right there," she said as she pointed to where I was standing (again, two paces from where I originally was). And no word of a lie, she rang up my purchase at a register that was an entire arm's length from where she was standing. I gave her a look that basically said, "WTF?" And she started to explain that I was standing in the diesel line. I rolled my eyes. She made it sound like it was a whole other planet and that it would be really really far for her to get to the register that wasn't for the diesel line. Then I poured on my sickeningly sweet voice that I use when people are obviously annoying me, my fake politeness. That bitch met my tone, obviously using the same tactic. Whatever. I guess if my job involved being a cashier in Middleofnowhere, Oregon, I'd be a pretty bitter bitch, too.

I went back to the car and realized that I had now officially hit rock bottom. I was so cranky and uncomfortable from just sitting around in a car for hours on end and eating poorly (I swear I gained 500 lbs on this trip). I generally was not feeling well. I was also homesick and missed Shmuffin. I wanted to jump on a plane and head straight for my five B's (basement, beer, blanket, book and bad tv).

We stopped at a scenic view point. I took some pictures and a few deep breaths. Paul said that he felt ridiculous in his old shirt and glasses (which I love...I have a weakness for guys with glasses). I gave him a once over and shrugged. "I lost my comb," I said in a tiny voice. We both laughed.

We continued on to Boise, Idaho and stopped for the night. We had strawberry Poptarts and Dr. Pepper from the hotel vending machines for dinner. Paul fell asleep. I, on the other hand, had a lot of trouble. My mind was racing while watching "Aileen: Life and Death of a Serial Killer," contemplating my own death. It freaked

Thursday, July 6th, 2006

So there we were, driving along some main highway in Idaho when, low and behold, we see a lot of black smoke up ahead of us. As we got closer, we saw a tractor trailer with it's cabin completely in flames, tiny explosions going off as we passed. Either it had just happened, or Idaho is really bad at closing their roads when something like this happens. But it was scary. It could have completely blown while we were passing. We just passed it as quickly as we could. And I believe we were a good five miles down the road before we saw a cop traveling down the other side of the highway with his lights on. We continued into Wyoming.

The mountains in Wyoming near Grand Teton National Park do not look real. They look like a movie set. We stopped a few times to take pictures. We passed a guy selling buffalo jerky out of the back of his truck. No thank you! I'll pass on that one. We also saw a few moose and a bear.

Yellowstone is adjacent to Grand Teton. It was gorgeous and we could have spent a lot more time there. As we were driving in, we were getting this really mellow alternative station on the radio that played things like The Church. As we pulled into the area where Old Faithful is, we noticed that it was going off. We realized that we would have to wait awhile for it to go off again. We made our way to the gift shop. The woman behind the counter was probably the first person to discover Old Faithful. She was old and took forever to ring me up. There was a long line behind me. I felt bad, as if everyone was staring at me because I was making her take so long. She looked at me and said, "I know there's a line, but every customer is important." I guess that was sweet. But I still felt like an asshole.

We waited and waited for Old Faithful. That thing is a tease! It spit a little bit of water out and then just steam for minutes before it finally went off. It was well worth the wait, but I half expected someone behind me to say, "But the fountains at the Bellagio have music with them!" The guy sitting on the bench next to me walked over and sarcastically said, "Oh look. Another geyser." I wanted to punch him in the nuts at the time. But as we started to make our way out of the park, I realized that there are a bazillion geysers in that park.

It was a long ride out of the park and we saw a lot of wildlife. There were buffalo roaming. One walked right in front of the car in front of us and I thought it was going to charge a minivan pulled over on the side of the road. It did not. However, the look on the face of the guy driving the minivan was one of a man who had just soiled himself. There were other buffalo just hanging out and grazing. People were getting out of cars to take pictures, despite the little flyer they give you when you enter the park that warns you that buffalo are wild animals and like to gourd people.

It was getting darker and darker and we still were not out of the park. An Elk crossed in front of us, and I swear it laughed at our little Kia and would have chucked us the finger if it had one. We also saw a coyote eating something on the side of the road. When we got out of the park, we decided to backtrack to Jackson because we were not sure if we would find a place to stay for the night if we continued east.

This proved to be a good decision because we found this kick ass inn. At first it looked a little skeevey. The office was closed and we had to register and get our keys (yes, actual keys and not those plastic card type things) from the gas station convenience store that was adjacent to the hotel. A guy who walked out as we were walking in looked a little sketchy, as did the guy working there. But he turned out to be really nice. And the room was awesome! It had six pillows for our king sized bed, an extra blanket, lots of big fluffy towels, a little kitchenette and about 80 channels on the television. What luck!

Friday, July 7th, 2006

We got gas at the gas station at the hotel. I cleaned out the car and found my comb while Paul was pumping the gas.

We made our way over the mountains. We actually saw a chick on a unicycle going over the mountain. I'm not kidding. I wish I would have been able to get a picture because I doubt anyone will believe that I saw that without first consuming some sort of mushrooms.

We stopped in Rawlins, Wyoming for lunch and more gas. A lady at the gas station told us that there was an accident on the interstate, but we never saw it. I fell asleep once we got back on the road.

Here's something that burns my ass. Wyoming also has a good alternative radio station, and yet Philly does not. Life is unfair.

The next time we stopped for gas we were in Nebraska. There was a wacky Mormon family with a bratty kid waiting for the bathroom. The parents seemed really emabarrassed by their child's behavior and I almost felt bad for them, except there were w a million of them in line and I really had to pee. We also found Zots! Remember Zots? They're those hard candies with the sour fizzy stuff in them. I had similar sour ball type things at the Franklin Covey seminar, but I don't think I've seen actual Zots in years. And they were watermelon flavored! I've never seen those. I love watermelon candy.

We stopped at a fast food place called Runza's for dinner. I had never seen one of these before. They have their own special onion ring recipe and these sandwiches that are kind of like stuffed homemade bread. We continued on, determined to get to Iowa before stopping.

We made it into Iowa. Nebraska is a really big fucking state. We wanted to stop at the first stop, when we crossed over the boarder, Council Bluffs. Unfortunately, every hotel in town was booked due to a tattoo convention. We drove for about another hour, past some skeevey looking local hotels. We stopped at a Super 8. The lady there said they were out of rooms, but called a Days Inn about 20 minutes away and asked them to hold a room for us. She was obviously an import of some sort, because all the other hotel clerks we met that night were less than helpful. We made it and swore that our next night's sleep would be at home.

Saturday, July 8th, 2006.

I don't have a whole lot to say about Saturday. I got sick. I spent most of it sleeping through Illinois and Indiana. Paul and came to a conclusion about cover songs after everything we heard on the radio. A good song is a good song, no matter who does it...unless it's Metallica. We saw more fireworks. We stopped at a Steak and Shake drive thru, which we had never done before. We heard a lot of Billy Squire on the radio.

We finally rolled back into Reading, Pennsylvania at about 4 am. We needed gas by the time we got off the turnpike. We stopped at a nearby Wawa. Paul was actually dancing at the gas pump. He never dances. We came home. I gave Shmuffin hugs and kisses. I went to bed, but couldn't sleep, too wound up from the excitement of being home. I settled back, watched "The 40 Year Old Virgin" on cable, finally dozing off as the sun rose.