Things heard at the bar last night

"Be the Buddha and shut the fuck up."

"What you probably don't know about me is that I'm Schuylkill County's foremost expert on Winston Churchill."

"Call Jimmy and tell him if I can't have him, no one else will."

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee." "Nancy, if I was your husband I'd drink that coffee."

"I can't wait to be a dirty old man."

"My Mexican friends think you're cute. I told them you're married." (pause) "And that I was bangin' ya for a while." (another pause) "They didn't believe me."

"You're such an alcoholic."

"Could that shirt be any tighter?"

"He was a modest man with much to be modest about."

"Okay. Let's go see Joe Black."

"Does the name John Wilkes Booth mean anything to you?"

"Those liver spotted hands have kneaded a lot of dough over the years."

"Next time we're all drunk at Daniel's like that, you know what we should do? We should make a snuff film."

Lots of Thelonious Monk without any sax.

"Some people bring home slips of paper with phone numbers when they leave a bar. Not me. My slips of paper all have book titles on them."

"By the time I got there, it was like watching a Chinese movie."

"So there we were at 3 am Saturday night solving all of the world's problems. The next day, we all woke up with headaches."

"My dirty little secret is that I'm not registered to vote." "My dirty little secret is that I'm registered twice. What do you want to get in on?"