How to recognize them: They’re carrying coughing and whining kids around that have snot coming out of their noses. The kids are carrying toys that are extremely attractive to your child. And it’s covered with snot, slobber and germs galore.
Frequently heard saying: “They’re not contagious. Not to be gross or anything but their noses are running clear. That means the infection is gone. I would NEVER bring sick kids around a new baby.”
Why they bug: That doesn’t mean that your kid isn’t covered with germs that are going to get the rest of the world sick, brain trust. What is so important that you can’t keep your annoying brats home? You know I have a newborn baby. My toddler is now drooling, sniffling and not eating because you just HAD to take your grimy little little monsters out. And I have a sore throat, too. I'm breastfeeding so there isn't much that I can take for that right now. I swear to God if my baby gets sick I am going to grab you by the testicles and twist, you fucking douche. I'd punch you, but my hands have been rubbed raw from washing them so much.
Their retort: "Oh, it’s just a little cold. They’ll get over it. It’s not like kids sleep through the night anyway."
My response: Well, maybe not YOUR kids don't sleep through the night but mine do…unless they’re sick. And all I want to do is sleep but I can’t because I have a baby that needs care and a cranky toddler who doesn’t feel good. I hope you get sick and run out of tissues and toilet paper, asshole.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Creep Of The Week: Healthcare Professionals Who Lack Compassion
How to recognize them: Typically nurses, they make you clean your own blood off the floor in your hospital room after you’ve had major surgery. They toss your baby around with little regards to her lack of neck control while taking a blood sample. They squabble with other nurses in front of you about having to take a lunch break. They don’t smile. They have no sense of humor and generally lack patience with you for needing their services in the first place.
Frequently heard saying: “Can you bend over and wipe that up? I’ll hold the garbage can open for you. Yes, I know it hurts, sweetie. Oh, you missed a drop over by your foot.”
“The angrier your baby gets, the easier it will be for the blood to come out. That’s it. Keep screaming!”
“You need to take your lunch break now! Look at what you’ve done to her arm putting that IV in! We’re going to have to call the lab in to get the blood sample. Look at all this blood that you got all over the place. Hopefully, the patient will be able to clean this up before the anesthesiologist gets here and paralyzes her.”
“How dare you take three steps into the hallway to hand your husband a book to read to your screaming toddler! This is a nazi death camp, er, I mean, waiting room! You can’t leave while holding a number! You must give it back now and go to the end of the line. We’re currently serving #67. I know you were #82 and will not be called for a long time. But now you must take #120 instead.”
“Do you realize your doctor’s instructions say that this needs to be done in the morning? Are you aware that it is now 11:40 AM? I hope we’re not too late!”
Why they bug: Some people love what they do for work and other people go into a field for the sake of job security. There is always a need for healthcare professionals and jobs can be somewhat easy to find compared to other fields. But if you’re an asshole, you really shouldn’t work with people, let alone in a field where the client’s emotions and stress levels run high. Not to mention, you are in a position where one mistake can cause someone a great deal of physical pain. I should not have to clean my own blood off the floor after major surgery. I should not audibly gasp when a professional picks up my four day old baby and positions it on a table to draw blood. I’m worried enough as it is having to watch her writhe around in pain as you squeeze blood from her heel. And the whole bleeding more when she is upset is simply not true. Another phlebotomist was able to prick her heel and get a sample just fine without even waking her and several others did the same without making her cry. You just suck at your job. If eating a fucking sandwich is going to put you in a better mind frame for sticking sharp needles and IVs in me, then by all means, go eat. I’m not going anywhere. If I need to tend to my toddler, (who my husband removed from your crowded waiting room because she is not feeling well and afraid of the people in the room in wheelchairs, thereby saving all the other patients from having to endure the meltdown of all meltdowns), give me five fucking seconds to hand my husband the book and the snacks that I found in my purse that might calm her down long enough so that I don’t have to hear her crying in the hallway while I wait my turn. AND, 11:40 AM is still morning, you stupid fucking cunt! You see, when both the big hand and the little hand are on the 12, then it is noon and anything after that is AFTERnoon. Jesus Christ! Where did you get your degree? And I would have been in your office earlier but there’s a long line in your waiting room and I almost lost my turn.
Their retort: The healthcare field is very stressful. We have to shut down some of our compassion or we will lose our shit and go crazy.
My response: I’m not buying it. If you can’t deal, get a different job. There are plenty of other healthcare workers who are more stressed out and sleep deprived who handle their jobs wonderfully. To those folks, the ones who were kind, caring and compassionate, I thank you.
Frequently heard saying: “Can you bend over and wipe that up? I’ll hold the garbage can open for you. Yes, I know it hurts, sweetie. Oh, you missed a drop over by your foot.”
“The angrier your baby gets, the easier it will be for the blood to come out. That’s it. Keep screaming!”
“You need to take your lunch break now! Look at what you’ve done to her arm putting that IV in! We’re going to have to call the lab in to get the blood sample. Look at all this blood that you got all over the place. Hopefully, the patient will be able to clean this up before the anesthesiologist gets here and paralyzes her.”
“How dare you take three steps into the hallway to hand your husband a book to read to your screaming toddler! This is a nazi death camp, er, I mean, waiting room! You can’t leave while holding a number! You must give it back now and go to the end of the line. We’re currently serving #67. I know you were #82 and will not be called for a long time. But now you must take #120 instead.”
“Do you realize your doctor’s instructions say that this needs to be done in the morning? Are you aware that it is now 11:40 AM? I hope we’re not too late!”
Why they bug: Some people love what they do for work and other people go into a field for the sake of job security. There is always a need for healthcare professionals and jobs can be somewhat easy to find compared to other fields. But if you’re an asshole, you really shouldn’t work with people, let alone in a field where the client’s emotions and stress levels run high. Not to mention, you are in a position where one mistake can cause someone a great deal of physical pain. I should not have to clean my own blood off the floor after major surgery. I should not audibly gasp when a professional picks up my four day old baby and positions it on a table to draw blood. I’m worried enough as it is having to watch her writhe around in pain as you squeeze blood from her heel. And the whole bleeding more when she is upset is simply not true. Another phlebotomist was able to prick her heel and get a sample just fine without even waking her and several others did the same without making her cry. You just suck at your job. If eating a fucking sandwich is going to put you in a better mind frame for sticking sharp needles and IVs in me, then by all means, go eat. I’m not going anywhere. If I need to tend to my toddler, (who my husband removed from your crowded waiting room because she is not feeling well and afraid of the people in the room in wheelchairs, thereby saving all the other patients from having to endure the meltdown of all meltdowns), give me five fucking seconds to hand my husband the book and the snacks that I found in my purse that might calm her down long enough so that I don’t have to hear her crying in the hallway while I wait my turn. AND, 11:40 AM is still morning, you stupid fucking cunt! You see, when both the big hand and the little hand are on the 12, then it is noon and anything after that is AFTERnoon. Jesus Christ! Where did you get your degree? And I would have been in your office earlier but there’s a long line in your waiting room and I almost lost my turn.
Their retort: The healthcare field is very stressful. We have to shut down some of our compassion or we will lose our shit and go crazy.
My response: I’m not buying it. If you can’t deal, get a different job. There are plenty of other healthcare workers who are more stressed out and sleep deprived who handle their jobs wonderfully. To those folks, the ones who were kind, caring and compassionate, I thank you.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Another Hiatus
I know I’ve been negligent. I still don’t think anyone actually reads this crap so I don’t feel too bad about not updating for a while. I’m having a baby very soon. So right now, I’m just trying to appease the good hormonal instincts (like the ones the birdies have about building their nests) and repress the bad ones (like the ones that black widow spiders have about killing their mates).
Sporadic posting is better than no posting. I will update dribs and drabs until my life becomes normal again. I don’t know when that will be, if ever, so just keep checking this space, faithful readers. I thank you both.
Sporadic posting is better than no posting. I will update dribs and drabs until my life becomes normal again. I don’t know when that will be, if ever, so just keep checking this space, faithful readers. I thank you both.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Not Everything That Counts Can Be Measured
It’s hard for me to avoid baseball this time of year. My husband and his family are big baseball fans. My dad obsessively watches the Phillies. Many of my closest friends are big baseball fans as well.
It’s not that I hate baseball. I just find it to be very slow. It makes me sleepy. My dad used to watch Phillies games on Sunday afternoons while dozing on the couch. I think I’ve been conditioned to do the same thing. Besides, it’s a game of numbers and statistics. And we all know that I hate statistics.
Tonight, one of those statistics should have been but never came to be due to human error. Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga pitched what should have been the 21st perfect game in history. However, when umpire Jim Joyce blew a call on what should have been the last play of the game, his perfect game was blown.
What unfolded after these events is what truly surprised me.
When the press interviewed these two men, they both acted in ways that were refreshing in this day and age. In a time when we have athletic stars who are overpaid egomaniacs, Galarraga smiled and told reporters that he was sure that no one felt worse about the call than the umpire. Here is a guy who had a chance to be a positive historical statistic, make a name for himself and ensure his induction as a hall of fame player. The odds of him ever accomplishing such an achievement again are nil. Most people would be angry, not smiling and practically saying that they felt bad for the guy who made the mistake.
Also, in a society where people are quick to pass the buck and refuse to be accountable for their actions, Jim Joyce remorsefully owned up to his mistake. He admitted that he was wrong at the time of the call. With instant replay, it was easy to see. But in person, from his perspective, perhaps it was not as clear-cut. He’s just a man with his two eyes. Men make mistakes. Great men admit them.
This is the kind of sportsmanship we always teach but rarely see in practice. This is a great lesson for our children. Galarraga’s sportsmanship teaches empathy and to see things from the other person’s point of view when facing conflict. Joyce shows us that admitting our wrongs is the right thing to do.
This is the stuff fables are made of. Sure, this will not go down in the records as a historical moment. But the way the men interacted teaches a lesson far beyond statistics.
It’s not that I hate baseball. I just find it to be very slow. It makes me sleepy. My dad used to watch Phillies games on Sunday afternoons while dozing on the couch. I think I’ve been conditioned to do the same thing. Besides, it’s a game of numbers and statistics. And we all know that I hate statistics.
Tonight, one of those statistics should have been but never came to be due to human error. Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga pitched what should have been the 21st perfect game in history. However, when umpire Jim Joyce blew a call on what should have been the last play of the game, his perfect game was blown.
What unfolded after these events is what truly surprised me.
When the press interviewed these two men, they both acted in ways that were refreshing in this day and age. In a time when we have athletic stars who are overpaid egomaniacs, Galarraga smiled and told reporters that he was sure that no one felt worse about the call than the umpire. Here is a guy who had a chance to be a positive historical statistic, make a name for himself and ensure his induction as a hall of fame player. The odds of him ever accomplishing such an achievement again are nil. Most people would be angry, not smiling and practically saying that they felt bad for the guy who made the mistake.
Also, in a society where people are quick to pass the buck and refuse to be accountable for their actions, Jim Joyce remorsefully owned up to his mistake. He admitted that he was wrong at the time of the call. With instant replay, it was easy to see. But in person, from his perspective, perhaps it was not as clear-cut. He’s just a man with his two eyes. Men make mistakes. Great men admit them.
This is the kind of sportsmanship we always teach but rarely see in practice. This is a great lesson for our children. Galarraga’s sportsmanship teaches empathy and to see things from the other person’s point of view when facing conflict. Joyce shows us that admitting our wrongs is the right thing to do.
This is the stuff fables are made of. Sure, this will not go down in the records as a historical moment. But the way the men interacted teaches a lesson far beyond statistics.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Confessions
Taylor Lautner bugs the shit out of me. I think it’s his face. It looks like he got hit in the face with a frying pan. I can’t stand to watch him in interviews and even the characters he plays are annoying.
I can’t read The Lorax with out crying. This isn’t even some hormonal pregnancy thing. I’ve never been able to do it, not even as a child. The part that really gets me is the whole, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” In fact, I can barely type it now without tearing up.
I’ve never seen the Goonies.
I used to cheat at Heads Up Seven Up in first grade. I would put my head down low on the desk and peek at the shoes of the people walking by.
Snakes bring me great anxiety. I can’t even watch them on television without my heart rate increasing and getting nervous. If I watch them for prolong periods of time, I have nightmares.
I think little boys in rompers look silly. I also don’t like these jiaper things they have out now. In case you don’t know what jiapers are, they are diapers that look like they are made of denim. How about putting some fucking clothes on your kid? Plus, they are made by Huggies. Huggies suck for girls. I have heard moms of boys rave about them, though. I think it’s a boy thing.
I don’t like the term “hip momma.” It sounds desperate. I like to think of myself as fairly modern and up on the latest stuff. But I would never call myself a “hip momma.”
I can’t listen to Sheryl Crow’s song “All I Wanna Do.” The last time I listened to it on purpose, I got a speeding ticket. This was twelve years ago and that’s all I can think of every time I hear it.
I will never understand why women get breast reduction surgery. It’s not the girls. It’s your posture or your bras. Or try losing weight naturally. Boobies are beautiful things that can get you what you want if you point them at something and ask the right person for it. It took me a long time to figure this out. I hated my breasts growing up but I couldn’t imagine “deflating” them now.
There used to be this reality based game show called Everest. The contestants had to perform various physical challenges (hiking, rappelling, etc.) and the winners got to climb Mount Everest. How the fuck is that a prize? “Congratulations! You’ve won an opportunity to do something that is so strenuous and dangerous it can kill you!” I don’t get it.
I can’t read The Lorax with out crying. This isn’t even some hormonal pregnancy thing. I’ve never been able to do it, not even as a child. The part that really gets me is the whole, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” In fact, I can barely type it now without tearing up.
I’ve never seen the Goonies.
I used to cheat at Heads Up Seven Up in first grade. I would put my head down low on the desk and peek at the shoes of the people walking by.
Snakes bring me great anxiety. I can’t even watch them on television without my heart rate increasing and getting nervous. If I watch them for prolong periods of time, I have nightmares.
I think little boys in rompers look silly. I also don’t like these jiaper things they have out now. In case you don’t know what jiapers are, they are diapers that look like they are made of denim. How about putting some fucking clothes on your kid? Plus, they are made by Huggies. Huggies suck for girls. I have heard moms of boys rave about them, though. I think it’s a boy thing.
I don’t like the term “hip momma.” It sounds desperate. I like to think of myself as fairly modern and up on the latest stuff. But I would never call myself a “hip momma.”
I can’t listen to Sheryl Crow’s song “All I Wanna Do.” The last time I listened to it on purpose, I got a speeding ticket. This was twelve years ago and that’s all I can think of every time I hear it.
I will never understand why women get breast reduction surgery. It’s not the girls. It’s your posture or your bras. Or try losing weight naturally. Boobies are beautiful things that can get you what you want if you point them at something and ask the right person for it. It took me a long time to figure this out. I hated my breasts growing up but I couldn’t imagine “deflating” them now.
There used to be this reality based game show called Everest. The contestants had to perform various physical challenges (hiking, rappelling, etc.) and the winners got to climb Mount Everest. How the fuck is that a prize? “Congratulations! You’ve won an opportunity to do something that is so strenuous and dangerous it can kill you!” I don’t get it.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Creep Of The Week: The Fertility Police
How to recognize them: They stare at you and your kids when you’re out in public, giving what they believe to be sympathetic looks if you have more than one. They get extremely nosey when you only have one child. And they treat you like a barren freak of nature if you tell them you don’t want children at all.
Frequently heard saying: “Oh you poor thing! You must have your hands full! I pity you!” “So, when are you having another one?” “You don’t want kids?!?!” **clutches pearls** “But children are such a blessing! You’re young yet. You’ll change your mind.”
Why they bug: Why do people have such a hard time with the “live and let live” concept? We all make our choices. The number of children you decide to have, or not have, is completely up to you. We have control over these things. We are free to live our lives in whatever way makes us happy. Just because a woman is juggling more than one child, that does not mean her life is miserable. Some people are perfectly satisfied with one child. And if someone decides that parenthood is not something they have any interest in at all, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. We all have our private reasons for these decisions. What if the woman at the grocery store adopted one of her children, saving them from horrible circumstances? What if the woman with one child had financial problems and another child isn’t something they could afford? What if the woman who chooses not to have children reached her decision after learning that she has fertility issues? It’s rude to make assumptions. It’s rude to ask questions. Does it really matter that much to you?
Their retort: “I was just making conversation.” “I was trying to be compassionate.” “I just know how much I love my kids and hate to see people miss out on this joy.”
My response: Get your fucking nose out of my uterus and mind your own business!
Frequently heard saying: “Oh you poor thing! You must have your hands full! I pity you!” “So, when are you having another one?” “You don’t want kids?!?!” **clutches pearls** “But children are such a blessing! You’re young yet. You’ll change your mind.”
Why they bug: Why do people have such a hard time with the “live and let live” concept? We all make our choices. The number of children you decide to have, or not have, is completely up to you. We have control over these things. We are free to live our lives in whatever way makes us happy. Just because a woman is juggling more than one child, that does not mean her life is miserable. Some people are perfectly satisfied with one child. And if someone decides that parenthood is not something they have any interest in at all, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. We all have our private reasons for these decisions. What if the woman at the grocery store adopted one of her children, saving them from horrible circumstances? What if the woman with one child had financial problems and another child isn’t something they could afford? What if the woman who chooses not to have children reached her decision after learning that she has fertility issues? It’s rude to make assumptions. It’s rude to ask questions. Does it really matter that much to you?
Their retort: “I was just making conversation.” “I was trying to be compassionate.” “I just know how much I love my kids and hate to see people miss out on this joy.”
My response: Get your fucking nose out of my uterus and mind your own business!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Do Not Adjust Your Monitor
I’m about to side with conservatives.
Today, I was informed of a controversy involving my high school alma mater. It seems that the school caved to pressure by certain members of the community to not actively promote or inform parents of the senior class’s baccalaureate.
I have to say I’m surprised that the school board would behave this way, being in, as James Carville would say, “the Alabama part of Pennsylvania.” Having God and right wing ideology is frequently preached and shoved down the throats of members of the community. I would think that the people who have complained about this situation would be silenced or ignored, rather than having the board cater to their desires.
I don’t understand why it would be a big deal to inform the community of an activity that is open to the public and isn’t harming anyone. It’s not mandatory for the students to attend. If it were, my opinion would differ. The students and their families have a choice as to whether or not they should attend the service. As long as no one will be harassed, punished or discriminated against for not attending, what is the problem?
My attitude with religion is to live and let live. If you don’t believe in God, how does prayer harm you? If anything, there is a benefit in that the people doing their praying are just wasting their time talking to someone that you don’t thing exists when they could be engaging in much more dangerous like campaigning for Pat Toomey. It’s conservative busy work; a child’s toy that will keep them occupied and out of the way for hours.
If it goes against your beliefs, don’t attend. Since I’ve always adapted the “I hate Sean Hannity/Glenn Beck/Bill O’Reily so I avoid them” philosophy, it would be hypocritical of me to suggest something else in this case as well.
If we drag an event like this underground by not talking about it, we start to infringe upon the rights of others to practice their religion. That’s not cool. I’d rather have it be well known and open to everyone at his or her own discretion than to have it become a secret meeting that could possibly evolve into a bunch of Bible bangers plotting to do something against others in the name of God.
The most reasonable compromise that I could foresee would be to send a schedule of all upcoming graduation activities such as prom, the class picnic, graduation and the all night party as well as baccalaureate. Many of those activities are also not mandatory. At least the word would be out and people can make their choice as to whether or not they would like to attend. It would not give baccalaureate any additional weight or publicity, just merely inform parents that it had been scheduled.
I guess I really don't like to be left out of the loop when it comes to social gatherings. Who knew it was to the extent that I would side with a bunch of Bible carrying freaks.
Today, I was informed of a controversy involving my high school alma mater. It seems that the school caved to pressure by certain members of the community to not actively promote or inform parents of the senior class’s baccalaureate.
I have to say I’m surprised that the school board would behave this way, being in, as James Carville would say, “the Alabama part of Pennsylvania.” Having God and right wing ideology is frequently preached and shoved down the throats of members of the community. I would think that the people who have complained about this situation would be silenced or ignored, rather than having the board cater to their desires.
I don’t understand why it would be a big deal to inform the community of an activity that is open to the public and isn’t harming anyone. It’s not mandatory for the students to attend. If it were, my opinion would differ. The students and their families have a choice as to whether or not they should attend the service. As long as no one will be harassed, punished or discriminated against for not attending, what is the problem?
My attitude with religion is to live and let live. If you don’t believe in God, how does prayer harm you? If anything, there is a benefit in that the people doing their praying are just wasting their time talking to someone that you don’t thing exists when they could be engaging in much more dangerous like campaigning for Pat Toomey. It’s conservative busy work; a child’s toy that will keep them occupied and out of the way for hours.
If it goes against your beliefs, don’t attend. Since I’ve always adapted the “I hate Sean Hannity/Glenn Beck/Bill O’Reily so I avoid them” philosophy, it would be hypocritical of me to suggest something else in this case as well.
If we drag an event like this underground by not talking about it, we start to infringe upon the rights of others to practice their religion. That’s not cool. I’d rather have it be well known and open to everyone at his or her own discretion than to have it become a secret meeting that could possibly evolve into a bunch of Bible bangers plotting to do something against others in the name of God.
The most reasonable compromise that I could foresee would be to send a schedule of all upcoming graduation activities such as prom, the class picnic, graduation and the all night party as well as baccalaureate. Many of those activities are also not mandatory. At least the word would be out and people can make their choice as to whether or not they would like to attend. It would not give baccalaureate any additional weight or publicity, just merely inform parents that it had been scheduled.
I guess I really don't like to be left out of the loop when it comes to social gatherings. Who knew it was to the extent that I would side with a bunch of Bible carrying freaks.
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