How to recognize them: They watch your every move as a parent. They don’t care what seems to work for you and your child. They feel their experiences are the absolute end all be all of parenting and that’s how it should be. No one else’s opinion matters. They are right. You are clearly wrong.
Frequently heard saying: “You shouldn’t feed your baby so much. You don’t want her to be fat.”
“She’s not hungry. She just wants to suck on something.”
“You can’t just shove a bottle in her mouth every time she fusses.”
Why they bug: Nothing burns my ass more than people who criticize, ignore and sometimes outright undermine my parental judgments and orders. I'm the one with the permanent scars from giving birth. That makes me the boss, not you. Watch me shove a bottle in her mouth when she cries. She IS hungry, asshole. That’s the only time she cries. If she just wanted to suck or chew, she’d take a pacifier. But she spits it out because nothing comes out of it. She’s a growing baby. You can’t just starve her. You never even bothered to ask how much she eats in a given day. My pediatrician is not concerned about her weight. He is a well-educated medical expert. If he doesn’t care, neither should you. She's eating breastmilk, not Big Macs. And why should I take your advice when all your five year old eats is hot dog rolls?
Their retort: “Well, I guess you know best…”
My response: You bet your fat stupid ass I know best what is right for my child. Shut up and worry about your own kids.
Showing posts with label Creep of the Week. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Creep of the Week. Show all posts
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Creep Of The Week: People Who Bring Their Sick Kids Around Me And My Family
How to recognize them: They’re carrying coughing and whining kids around that have snot coming out of their noses. The kids are carrying toys that are extremely attractive to your child. And it’s covered with snot, slobber and germs galore.
Frequently heard saying: “They’re not contagious. Not to be gross or anything but their noses are running clear. That means the infection is gone. I would NEVER bring sick kids around a new baby.”
Why they bug: That doesn’t mean that your kid isn’t covered with germs that are going to get the rest of the world sick, brain trust. What is so important that you can’t keep your annoying brats home? You know I have a newborn baby. My toddler is now drooling, sniffling and not eating because you just HAD to take your grimy little little monsters out. And I have a sore throat, too. I'm breastfeeding so there isn't much that I can take for that right now. I swear to God if my baby gets sick I am going to grab you by the testicles and twist, you fucking douche. I'd punch you, but my hands have been rubbed raw from washing them so much.
Their retort: "Oh, it’s just a little cold. They’ll get over it. It’s not like kids sleep through the night anyway."
My response: Well, maybe not YOUR kids don't sleep through the night but mine do…unless they’re sick. And all I want to do is sleep but I can’t because I have a baby that needs care and a cranky toddler who doesn’t feel good. I hope you get sick and run out of tissues and toilet paper, asshole.
Frequently heard saying: “They’re not contagious. Not to be gross or anything but their noses are running clear. That means the infection is gone. I would NEVER bring sick kids around a new baby.”
Why they bug: That doesn’t mean that your kid isn’t covered with germs that are going to get the rest of the world sick, brain trust. What is so important that you can’t keep your annoying brats home? You know I have a newborn baby. My toddler is now drooling, sniffling and not eating because you just HAD to take your grimy little little monsters out. And I have a sore throat, too. I'm breastfeeding so there isn't much that I can take for that right now. I swear to God if my baby gets sick I am going to grab you by the testicles and twist, you fucking douche. I'd punch you, but my hands have been rubbed raw from washing them so much.
Their retort: "Oh, it’s just a little cold. They’ll get over it. It’s not like kids sleep through the night anyway."
My response: Well, maybe not YOUR kids don't sleep through the night but mine do…unless they’re sick. And all I want to do is sleep but I can’t because I have a baby that needs care and a cranky toddler who doesn’t feel good. I hope you get sick and run out of tissues and toilet paper, asshole.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Creep Of The Week: Healthcare Professionals Who Lack Compassion
How to recognize them: Typically nurses, they make you clean your own blood off the floor in your hospital room after you’ve had major surgery. They toss your baby around with little regards to her lack of neck control while taking a blood sample. They squabble with other nurses in front of you about having to take a lunch break. They don’t smile. They have no sense of humor and generally lack patience with you for needing their services in the first place.
Frequently heard saying: “Can you bend over and wipe that up? I’ll hold the garbage can open for you. Yes, I know it hurts, sweetie. Oh, you missed a drop over by your foot.”
“The angrier your baby gets, the easier it will be for the blood to come out. That’s it. Keep screaming!”
“You need to take your lunch break now! Look at what you’ve done to her arm putting that IV in! We’re going to have to call the lab in to get the blood sample. Look at all this blood that you got all over the place. Hopefully, the patient will be able to clean this up before the anesthesiologist gets here and paralyzes her.”
“How dare you take three steps into the hallway to hand your husband a book to read to your screaming toddler! This is a nazi death camp, er, I mean, waiting room! You can’t leave while holding a number! You must give it back now and go to the end of the line. We’re currently serving #67. I know you were #82 and will not be called for a long time. But now you must take #120 instead.”
“Do you realize your doctor’s instructions say that this needs to be done in the morning? Are you aware that it is now 11:40 AM? I hope we’re not too late!”
Why they bug: Some people love what they do for work and other people go into a field for the sake of job security. There is always a need for healthcare professionals and jobs can be somewhat easy to find compared to other fields. But if you’re an asshole, you really shouldn’t work with people, let alone in a field where the client’s emotions and stress levels run high. Not to mention, you are in a position where one mistake can cause someone a great deal of physical pain. I should not have to clean my own blood off the floor after major surgery. I should not audibly gasp when a professional picks up my four day old baby and positions it on a table to draw blood. I’m worried enough as it is having to watch her writhe around in pain as you squeeze blood from her heel. And the whole bleeding more when she is upset is simply not true. Another phlebotomist was able to prick her heel and get a sample just fine without even waking her and several others did the same without making her cry. You just suck at your job. If eating a fucking sandwich is going to put you in a better mind frame for sticking sharp needles and IVs in me, then by all means, go eat. I’m not going anywhere. If I need to tend to my toddler, (who my husband removed from your crowded waiting room because she is not feeling well and afraid of the people in the room in wheelchairs, thereby saving all the other patients from having to endure the meltdown of all meltdowns), give me five fucking seconds to hand my husband the book and the snacks that I found in my purse that might calm her down long enough so that I don’t have to hear her crying in the hallway while I wait my turn. AND, 11:40 AM is still morning, you stupid fucking cunt! You see, when both the big hand and the little hand are on the 12, then it is noon and anything after that is AFTERnoon. Jesus Christ! Where did you get your degree? And I would have been in your office earlier but there’s a long line in your waiting room and I almost lost my turn.
Their retort: The healthcare field is very stressful. We have to shut down some of our compassion or we will lose our shit and go crazy.
My response: I’m not buying it. If you can’t deal, get a different job. There are plenty of other healthcare workers who are more stressed out and sleep deprived who handle their jobs wonderfully. To those folks, the ones who were kind, caring and compassionate, I thank you.
Frequently heard saying: “Can you bend over and wipe that up? I’ll hold the garbage can open for you. Yes, I know it hurts, sweetie. Oh, you missed a drop over by your foot.”
“The angrier your baby gets, the easier it will be for the blood to come out. That’s it. Keep screaming!”
“You need to take your lunch break now! Look at what you’ve done to her arm putting that IV in! We’re going to have to call the lab in to get the blood sample. Look at all this blood that you got all over the place. Hopefully, the patient will be able to clean this up before the anesthesiologist gets here and paralyzes her.”
“How dare you take three steps into the hallway to hand your husband a book to read to your screaming toddler! This is a nazi death camp, er, I mean, waiting room! You can’t leave while holding a number! You must give it back now and go to the end of the line. We’re currently serving #67. I know you were #82 and will not be called for a long time. But now you must take #120 instead.”
“Do you realize your doctor’s instructions say that this needs to be done in the morning? Are you aware that it is now 11:40 AM? I hope we’re not too late!”
Why they bug: Some people love what they do for work and other people go into a field for the sake of job security. There is always a need for healthcare professionals and jobs can be somewhat easy to find compared to other fields. But if you’re an asshole, you really shouldn’t work with people, let alone in a field where the client’s emotions and stress levels run high. Not to mention, you are in a position where one mistake can cause someone a great deal of physical pain. I should not have to clean my own blood off the floor after major surgery. I should not audibly gasp when a professional picks up my four day old baby and positions it on a table to draw blood. I’m worried enough as it is having to watch her writhe around in pain as you squeeze blood from her heel. And the whole bleeding more when she is upset is simply not true. Another phlebotomist was able to prick her heel and get a sample just fine without even waking her and several others did the same without making her cry. You just suck at your job. If eating a fucking sandwich is going to put you in a better mind frame for sticking sharp needles and IVs in me, then by all means, go eat. I’m not going anywhere. If I need to tend to my toddler, (who my husband removed from your crowded waiting room because she is not feeling well and afraid of the people in the room in wheelchairs, thereby saving all the other patients from having to endure the meltdown of all meltdowns), give me five fucking seconds to hand my husband the book and the snacks that I found in my purse that might calm her down long enough so that I don’t have to hear her crying in the hallway while I wait my turn. AND, 11:40 AM is still morning, you stupid fucking cunt! You see, when both the big hand and the little hand are on the 12, then it is noon and anything after that is AFTERnoon. Jesus Christ! Where did you get your degree? And I would have been in your office earlier but there’s a long line in your waiting room and I almost lost my turn.
Their retort: The healthcare field is very stressful. We have to shut down some of our compassion or we will lose our shit and go crazy.
My response: I’m not buying it. If you can’t deal, get a different job. There are plenty of other healthcare workers who are more stressed out and sleep deprived who handle their jobs wonderfully. To those folks, the ones who were kind, caring and compassionate, I thank you.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Creep Of The Week: The Fertility Police
How to recognize them: They stare at you and your kids when you’re out in public, giving what they believe to be sympathetic looks if you have more than one. They get extremely nosey when you only have one child. And they treat you like a barren freak of nature if you tell them you don’t want children at all.
Frequently heard saying: “Oh you poor thing! You must have your hands full! I pity you!” “So, when are you having another one?” “You don’t want kids?!?!” **clutches pearls** “But children are such a blessing! You’re young yet. You’ll change your mind.”
Why they bug: Why do people have such a hard time with the “live and let live” concept? We all make our choices. The number of children you decide to have, or not have, is completely up to you. We have control over these things. We are free to live our lives in whatever way makes us happy. Just because a woman is juggling more than one child, that does not mean her life is miserable. Some people are perfectly satisfied with one child. And if someone decides that parenthood is not something they have any interest in at all, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. We all have our private reasons for these decisions. What if the woman at the grocery store adopted one of her children, saving them from horrible circumstances? What if the woman with one child had financial problems and another child isn’t something they could afford? What if the woman who chooses not to have children reached her decision after learning that she has fertility issues? It’s rude to make assumptions. It’s rude to ask questions. Does it really matter that much to you?
Their retort: “I was just making conversation.” “I was trying to be compassionate.” “I just know how much I love my kids and hate to see people miss out on this joy.”
My response: Get your fucking nose out of my uterus and mind your own business!
Frequently heard saying: “Oh you poor thing! You must have your hands full! I pity you!” “So, when are you having another one?” “You don’t want kids?!?!” **clutches pearls** “But children are such a blessing! You’re young yet. You’ll change your mind.”
Why they bug: Why do people have such a hard time with the “live and let live” concept? We all make our choices. The number of children you decide to have, or not have, is completely up to you. We have control over these things. We are free to live our lives in whatever way makes us happy. Just because a woman is juggling more than one child, that does not mean her life is miserable. Some people are perfectly satisfied with one child. And if someone decides that parenthood is not something they have any interest in at all, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. We all have our private reasons for these decisions. What if the woman at the grocery store adopted one of her children, saving them from horrible circumstances? What if the woman with one child had financial problems and another child isn’t something they could afford? What if the woman who chooses not to have children reached her decision after learning that she has fertility issues? It’s rude to make assumptions. It’s rude to ask questions. Does it really matter that much to you?
Their retort: “I was just making conversation.” “I was trying to be compassionate.” “I just know how much I love my kids and hate to see people miss out on this joy.”
My response: Get your fucking nose out of my uterus and mind your own business!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Creep Of The Week: People Who Call You At The Wrong Phone Number And Then Get Pissed When They Can't Reach You
How to recognize them: They have about 20 entries on your missed call list. They’re pissed because they really need an answer to a pressing question like, “What day does the rotary club meet?” or “Where are you?” and you are nowhere to be found.
Frequently heard saying: “Hi. I’m calling your cell phone because I know you told me you were going to be at a different number but I forgot. I need you to call me back ASAP. I have an important question. What’s the URL for Google? I mean, there’s nowhere to really look that up.”
Why they bug: I fucking told you where to call me! Did it ever occur to you that I gave you a specific number to reach me because I’m going to be in a place where my cell phone doesn’t work? And your questions are dumb and not that pressing. You’re just being lazy by not taking the right number down. You have no right to bitch about not being able to reach me if you can’t follow the specific instructions that I left you. And while we’re at it, if I’m calling you from a different number and you see it on your caller ID, don’t call me back on my cell phone! If I wanted to talk to you from my cell phone, I would be calling from my cell phone. Chances are good the battery is dying or I don’t have good service.
Their retort: “Well, I left you a message.”
My response: Joke’s on you. I rarely check my messages. Try using bing.com next time you need an answer.
Frequently heard saying: “Hi. I’m calling your cell phone because I know you told me you were going to be at a different number but I forgot. I need you to call me back ASAP. I have an important question. What’s the URL for Google? I mean, there’s nowhere to really look that up.”
Why they bug: I fucking told you where to call me! Did it ever occur to you that I gave you a specific number to reach me because I’m going to be in a place where my cell phone doesn’t work? And your questions are dumb and not that pressing. You’re just being lazy by not taking the right number down. You have no right to bitch about not being able to reach me if you can’t follow the specific instructions that I left you. And while we’re at it, if I’m calling you from a different number and you see it on your caller ID, don’t call me back on my cell phone! If I wanted to talk to you from my cell phone, I would be calling from my cell phone. Chances are good the battery is dying or I don’t have good service.
Their retort: “Well, I left you a message.”
My response: Joke’s on you. I rarely check my messages. Try using bing.com next time you need an answer.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Creep Of The Week: Public Smokers
How to recognize them: They’re standing directly in front of the doors of the smoke-free place that you wish to visit (the mall, a restaurant, the hospital, etc.). You may have a hard time seeing them as there is a gigantic smelly cloud surrounding them.
Frequently heard saying: “I have a right to smoke. You’re infringing upon it.” “Well, something is going to kill me. It may as well be this.” “There are plenty of smoke free areas where you can go.”
Why they bug: What about MY right to breathe air that isn’t contaminated by cancer causing agents? What about my child’s right? What about my UNBORN child’s right? Surely, you wouldn’t blow smoke in a baby’s face. But if a woman is pregnant and not showing, you are doing exactly that without even knowing it. Look, I don’t care if you get cancer or emphysema. I’d be more than happy to have your dumb ass out of my gene pool. But don’t drag my kids or me down with you. Sure, there are areas designated as smoke free ones. But it defeats the purpose if I have to walk through your pollution to get to them. If you want to smoke in your own home, that's fine. You do have a right to do what you want with your body on your own property. But when your right infringes upon mine, it's just not fair. I didn't ask for that.
Their retort: **Cough**
My response: I just don’t see the point of smoking. Sure I tried it for a little while during my bad girl phase when I was 13 or 14. But knowing everything that we know about the harms, I just don’t understand what benefit could possibly outweigh them.
Frequently heard saying: “I have a right to smoke. You’re infringing upon it.” “Well, something is going to kill me. It may as well be this.” “There are plenty of smoke free areas where you can go.”
Why they bug: What about MY right to breathe air that isn’t contaminated by cancer causing agents? What about my child’s right? What about my UNBORN child’s right? Surely, you wouldn’t blow smoke in a baby’s face. But if a woman is pregnant and not showing, you are doing exactly that without even knowing it. Look, I don’t care if you get cancer or emphysema. I’d be more than happy to have your dumb ass out of my gene pool. But don’t drag my kids or me down with you. Sure, there are areas designated as smoke free ones. But it defeats the purpose if I have to walk through your pollution to get to them. If you want to smoke in your own home, that's fine. You do have a right to do what you want with your body on your own property. But when your right infringes upon mine, it's just not fair. I didn't ask for that.
Their retort: **Cough**
My response: I just don’t see the point of smoking. Sure I tried it for a little while during my bad girl phase when I was 13 or 14. But knowing everything that we know about the harms, I just don’t understand what benefit could possibly outweigh them.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Creep Of The Week: Samplers
How to recognize them: They stand in long lines for a die-sized cube of cheese at the grocery store.
Frequently heard saying: “Tuna and mayonnaise on a Ritz cracker? Sounds like an awesome lunch! I’ll take five. Oh, I can only have one? Well, I guess I’ll just have to get back in line.”
Why they bug: It’s one thing to grab a quick sample if you’re just walking by. But why stand around in line and take up so much space? You’re in my way, damn it! I’m trying to get in and out of the store before my toddler figures out how to unhook the cart’s seatbelt and jump out. And did I mention she’s screaming her head off because the cart is at a standstill since I can’t get around you? Don’t get me wrong. I’m the first to speak up when I feel that I’m owed something. Heck, I once got a guy fired over a free Snuggie. But that’s another blog for another day. A complimentary squirt of Purell is not the same thing.
Their retort: “I have to wait in line. What if they run out?”
My response: Well, wouldn’t that suck? Maybe you should dig some change out of your car’s cup holder and, oh I don’t know, buy a two-dollar box of cookies and get the fuck out of the store instead of standing in my way while eating them.
Frequently heard saying: “Tuna and mayonnaise on a Ritz cracker? Sounds like an awesome lunch! I’ll take five. Oh, I can only have one? Well, I guess I’ll just have to get back in line.”
Why they bug: It’s one thing to grab a quick sample if you’re just walking by. But why stand around in line and take up so much space? You’re in my way, damn it! I’m trying to get in and out of the store before my toddler figures out how to unhook the cart’s seatbelt and jump out. And did I mention she’s screaming her head off because the cart is at a standstill since I can’t get around you? Don’t get me wrong. I’m the first to speak up when I feel that I’m owed something. Heck, I once got a guy fired over a free Snuggie. But that’s another blog for another day. A complimentary squirt of Purell is not the same thing.
Their retort: “I have to wait in line. What if they run out?”
My response: Well, wouldn’t that suck? Maybe you should dig some change out of your car’s cup holder and, oh I don’t know, buy a two-dollar box of cookies and get the fuck out of the store instead of standing in my way while eating them.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Creep Of The Week: Friends And Family In One Sided Relationships
How to recognize them: They invite you to their dog’s birthday party or some other inane event and expect you to attend (with a gift or a dish, because after all, that’s just good manners). If you decline, they guilt trip you. And when it’s your cat’s birthday, suddenly they’re all allergic and shit. Or they have to go fishing.
Frequently heard saying: “Sorry I can’t come to your banquet. I have a pedicure scheduled that afternoon. But congrats on winning the Nobel Peace Prize! You’re still coming to my Longaberger Basket party, right? Can you bake a batch of those cookies I really like and bring them? The ones you make at Christmas time from scratch?”
Why they bug: I take the time to put your boring ass event on my calendar, sometimes turning down or even cancelling other plans. I sometimes have to find a sitter in order to attend. I go out of my way. But I don’t get the same from you. I'm not even sure if you know that I've had a child. You've never bothered to come see her. But the puppies your dog had last week are super cute!
Their retort: “No one asked you to get a sitter. Just bring the baby along. I don’t understand why she cries whenever I hold her, though.”
My response: It’s called stranger anxiety. She doesn’t know you because you don’t make an effort. And I no longer feel bad about it. You’re the one missing out.
Frequently heard saying: “Sorry I can’t come to your banquet. I have a pedicure scheduled that afternoon. But congrats on winning the Nobel Peace Prize! You’re still coming to my Longaberger Basket party, right? Can you bake a batch of those cookies I really like and bring them? The ones you make at Christmas time from scratch?”
Why they bug: I take the time to put your boring ass event on my calendar, sometimes turning down or even cancelling other plans. I sometimes have to find a sitter in order to attend. I go out of my way. But I don’t get the same from you. I'm not even sure if you know that I've had a child. You've never bothered to come see her. But the puppies your dog had last week are super cute!
Their retort: “No one asked you to get a sitter. Just bring the baby along. I don’t understand why she cries whenever I hold her, though.”
My response: It’s called stranger anxiety. She doesn’t know you because you don’t make an effort. And I no longer feel bad about it. You’re the one missing out.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Creep Of The Week: People Who Think They're Cooler Than They Really Are Because They Live In A Place With Nice Weather
Blogger's Note: I know this isn't the most timely of pieces. I saved this blog for this time of year on purpose. I wanted to prove a point that bad weather is only a temporary problem, lasting only a few days. Living in a city of dicks is year round.
How to recognize them: They live somewhere like Las Vegas, Southern California or Hawaii. When there’s a snowstorm in the Midwest or the Northeast, they text or post annoying things on Facebook regarding the weather.
Frequently heard saying: “It must suck to have to shovel snow. It’s 70 degrees here and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.” “I have to go to the doctor to get myself checked for skin cancer. I’ve been spending way too much time in the sunshine.”
Why they bug: Just because the weather is nice where you live, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other problems that far outweigh the good. Las Vegas is crawling with douche bags. Californians are flakes. The cost of living in Hawaii is high. It still rains in most of these places. Give me the northeast, where not everyone is ultra obsessed with superficial things like their appearance. Poor weather also breeds a sense of urgency. We want to accomplish things before the bad weather arrives and get home before the roads suck.
Their retort: “While you’re out rushing around, I’ll be poolside.”
My response: I’m willing to sacrifice a few days where I’m snowed in and can’t get where I need to be. Sometimes it’s nice to avoid the rest of the world.
How to recognize them: They live somewhere like Las Vegas, Southern California or Hawaii. When there’s a snowstorm in the Midwest or the Northeast, they text or post annoying things on Facebook regarding the weather.
Frequently heard saying: “It must suck to have to shovel snow. It’s 70 degrees here and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.” “I have to go to the doctor to get myself checked for skin cancer. I’ve been spending way too much time in the sunshine.”
Why they bug: Just because the weather is nice where you live, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other problems that far outweigh the good. Las Vegas is crawling with douche bags. Californians are flakes. The cost of living in Hawaii is high. It still rains in most of these places. Give me the northeast, where not everyone is ultra obsessed with superficial things like their appearance. Poor weather also breeds a sense of urgency. We want to accomplish things before the bad weather arrives and get home before the roads suck.
Their retort: “While you’re out rushing around, I’ll be poolside.”
My response: I’m willing to sacrifice a few days where I’m snowed in and can’t get where I need to be. Sometimes it’s nice to avoid the rest of the world.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Creep of the Week: Bloggers Who Go on Unannounced Hiatuses
How to recognize them: They brag about blogging on a regular basis (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, for example) and even tout a special feature every Friday. Then one day, all of a sudden, they just stop.
Frequently heard saying: “Read my blog!” “Follow me!” And then **crickets**
Why they bug: They brag about their set schedule, get you hooked on checking in on certain days and then disappear, completely slipping up on daylight. And really, how hard is it to write up a couple hundred words about your kid or some other mundane topic that no one cares about? Or do a silly formatted "column" that is only funny to you?
Their retort: “I’ve been really sick. Everyone in my house has been sick. The kid, the husband, even the cat is puking like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I’m knocked up and in charge of this infirmary. The blog just had to take the back burner for a week. I’ll be back in full force next week. Promise!”
My response: You better, bitch!
Frequently heard saying: “Read my blog!” “Follow me!” And then **crickets**
Why they bug: They brag about their set schedule, get you hooked on checking in on certain days and then disappear, completely slipping up on daylight. And really, how hard is it to write up a couple hundred words about your kid or some other mundane topic that no one cares about? Or do a silly formatted "column" that is only funny to you?
Their retort: “I’ve been really sick. Everyone in my house has been sick. The kid, the husband, even the cat is puking like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I’m knocked up and in charge of this infirmary. The blog just had to take the back burner for a week. I’ll be back in full force next week. Promise!”
My response: You better, bitch!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Creep Of The Week: Facebook Reposters
How to recognize them: They spew propaganda on facebook that is uninformed, inaccurate and unoriginal in thought. They have nothing interesting going on or imaginative to say so they repost stupid crap. They usually have something to do with religion, politics, their children or some sort of disease.
Frequently heard saying: “The US Military walks on water and turns water into wine. Barack Obama does not want to give them any money because he wants the Muslims to take over the country because he is one. 99% of Americans will not have the guts to repost this because they don’t believe in God. Those people are unpatriotic Americans. They also don’t love their daughters, hate children with autism and think all women should die of breast cancer.”
Why they bug: Seriously, would it kill you to think for yourself? Do you realize how stupid this makes you look? Or, I don’t know, actually check your facts before spreading a bunch of bullshit on the internet? Why do we have to continue to polarize Democrats against Republicans, believers against non-believers? Can’t we all just get along? Do you really think that your facebook status is really going to make a big difference and change the world? Are you even registered to vote?
Their retort: “Those soldiers are dying in Iraq so that you can even have this blog. God bless America! It’s the greatest country in the world.”
My response: Holy crap! The Iraqis are trying to censor my blog?!?! I would have thought they had more pressing issues, what with all the bombing going on in their country. Who knew?
Frequently heard saying: “The US Military walks on water and turns water into wine. Barack Obama does not want to give them any money because he wants the Muslims to take over the country because he is one. 99% of Americans will not have the guts to repost this because they don’t believe in God. Those people are unpatriotic Americans. They also don’t love their daughters, hate children with autism and think all women should die of breast cancer.”
Why they bug: Seriously, would it kill you to think for yourself? Do you realize how stupid this makes you look? Or, I don’t know, actually check your facts before spreading a bunch of bullshit on the internet? Why do we have to continue to polarize Democrats against Republicans, believers against non-believers? Can’t we all just get along? Do you really think that your facebook status is really going to make a big difference and change the world? Are you even registered to vote?
Their retort: “Those soldiers are dying in Iraq so that you can even have this blog. God bless America! It’s the greatest country in the world.”
My response: Holy crap! The Iraqis are trying to censor my blog?!?! I would have thought they had more pressing issues, what with all the bombing going on in their country. Who knew?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Creep of The Week: Cyclists
How to recognize them: They wear the little spandex outfits, complete with helmets, padding and sunglasses. They travel in groups of 80 and take up the entire road, especially ones with blind turns. Oh, and they’re on bicycles. You know, your main mode of transportation when you’re ten.
Frequently heard saying: “Share the road!” “Watch it, lady! You’re gonna kill somebody!”
Why they bug: They cry and scream about safety, yet they break traffic laws. They rarely ride single file. They never stop at stop signs. Yet, I’m the asshole who nearly runs them over when I pass them. My Prius is nearly silent behind them, too, because I have to go so slow behind them. They don’t hear me. And they ride in places that are just not safe. There are plenty of safe places to go, yet they choose to ride to these places by taking unsafe roots.
Their retort: “Biking is great exercise.” “It’s better for the environment than your hoity toity hybrid car.” “Stopping for a stop sign is going to slow me down and ruin my workout. I don’t need to stop. Just stay out of my way.”
My response: Find a bike path or drive to a place where it’s safer for you to ride, like a bike park. If you’re going to put yourself in a dangerous situation by going somewhere unsafe or disobeying laws that are meant to protect you, I have a hard time feeling sympathy for you.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Creep of The Week: People Who Read This Blog And Aren't Listed as a Follower
How to recognize them: During conversation, they drop random hints that they’ve read something written here. Or they use the blog for random clues when trying to guess something…like, oh I don’t know, the name of a future child.
Frequently heard saying: Nothing. They don’t respond. They don't comment. That would be admitting that they read this garbage.
Why they bug: I try to update this blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don’t know if I should bother to be so disciplined if no one really reads this. I won’t think you’re creepy for reading, commenting or following. I think you’re creepy because I know you’re reading and doing it in a secretive way.
Their retort: ***crickets***
My response: C’mon! Follow. When I write my best seller, I want to be able to tell the publisher that I have a following on my blog.
Frequently heard saying: Nothing. They don’t respond. They don't comment. That would be admitting that they read this garbage.
Why they bug: I try to update this blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don’t know if I should bother to be so disciplined if no one really reads this. I won’t think you’re creepy for reading, commenting or following. I think you’re creepy because I know you’re reading and doing it in a secretive way.
Their retort: ***crickets***
My response: C’mon! Follow. When I write my best seller, I want to be able to tell the publisher that I have a following on my blog.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Creep Of The Week: People Who Get All Up In A Pregnant Woman's Business
How to recognize them: If you’re pregnant, they’re watching you, staring at your every move. And they never know when to shut the fuck up.
Frequently heard saying: “You should drink eight ounces of water every hour.” “You’re not going to drink a Diet Coke, are you? There’s caffeine and artificial sweeteners in there!” “Don’t put that hot dog in your mouth!” “Slow down! Walking too fast is going to get your heart rate and blood pressure up!” “That’s too heavy! You can’t lift it!”
Why they bug: They’re not doctors. Their advice is not based on any medical authority whatsoever. And how I treat my body and my pet fetus is none of their business. Eight ounces of water every hour amounts to 192 ounces of water a day. I would pee every three minutes. Artificial sweeteners and caffeine are fine in small amounts. Hot dogs are okay as long as they’ve been cooked well. Getting your heart rate up is perfectly fine as long as your temperature is not also going up. In fact, exercise is good for you and will actually keep your blood pressure down. It’s okay to lift 50 pounds up to 20 weeks and roughly 20 or so pounds after 20 weeks. You won’t miscarry. Lifting heavy things is more of a concern for a pregnant woman’s back and balance than it is for causing early labor. But, if you want to carry this for me, maybe I shouldn’t stop you. I’m tired from walking too fast...to get away from you.
Their retort: “You think you have all the answers, don’t you? Just wait until you go into labor early!”
My response: Yeah, I do. Do you want to know why? I asked my doctor. She graduated in the top 10% of her class at med school. Did you? She isn’t concerned about any of these things. I can’t imagine why you would be.
Frequently heard saying: “You should drink eight ounces of water every hour.” “You’re not going to drink a Diet Coke, are you? There’s caffeine and artificial sweeteners in there!” “Don’t put that hot dog in your mouth!” “Slow down! Walking too fast is going to get your heart rate and blood pressure up!” “That’s too heavy! You can’t lift it!”
Why they bug: They’re not doctors. Their advice is not based on any medical authority whatsoever. And how I treat my body and my pet fetus is none of their business. Eight ounces of water every hour amounts to 192 ounces of water a day. I would pee every three minutes. Artificial sweeteners and caffeine are fine in small amounts. Hot dogs are okay as long as they’ve been cooked well. Getting your heart rate up is perfectly fine as long as your temperature is not also going up. In fact, exercise is good for you and will actually keep your blood pressure down. It’s okay to lift 50 pounds up to 20 weeks and roughly 20 or so pounds after 20 weeks. You won’t miscarry. Lifting heavy things is more of a concern for a pregnant woman’s back and balance than it is for causing early labor. But, if you want to carry this for me, maybe I shouldn’t stop you. I’m tired from walking too fast...to get away from you.
Their retort: “You think you have all the answers, don’t you? Just wait until you go into labor early!”
My response: Yeah, I do. Do you want to know why? I asked my doctor. She graduated in the top 10% of her class at med school. Did you? She isn’t concerned about any of these things. I can’t imagine why you would be.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Creep of The Week: People who don't watch television
How to recognize them: Usually carrying a canvas tote bag with a public radio station’s logo, they have a poor fashion sense from never seeing an episode of “What Not To Wear.” They are easily confused by common pop culture references and then act snooty and indignant to cover up their feelings of being left out from not knowing what a Gleek is.
Frequently heard saying: “I was listening to ‘All Things Considered’ on NPR the other day…” “I don’t understand reality television.” “Patrick Swayze died? When did that happen?” “There was an earthquake in Chille?!?!”
Why they bug: They put on airs of superiority yet they tend to be uninformed. Some of history’s most iconic moments happened while the world watched on television - the Kennedy assassinations, Space Shuttle Challenger’s demise, the 9/11 attacks. Television is not all fluff. Sure, there’s a lot of crap out there but there are also documentaries, news channels and informational programming as well. And even if all someone watches is garbage, there’s a certain commonality and hipness that comes along with knowing who got kicked off Survivor or AI (that’s American Idol to you, Mr. Snooty “I don’t watch TV” Snob) the previous night. It’s something that makes you relatable and sociable with others.
Their retort: “I’d much rather expand my mind by reading a book.” “I don’t really care who The Bachelor chose.” “You should go outside.” “You watch too much TV.”
My response: I read books, too. I just don’t feel the need to brag about it. That’s okay. I even draw the line at The Bachelor. The sun sucks! It causes cancer. And the bugs always eat me alive. I know you’re secretly getting TV shows by the season from Netflix.
Frequently heard saying: “I was listening to ‘All Things Considered’ on NPR the other day…” “I don’t understand reality television.” “Patrick Swayze died? When did that happen?” “There was an earthquake in Chille?!?!”
Why they bug: They put on airs of superiority yet they tend to be uninformed. Some of history’s most iconic moments happened while the world watched on television - the Kennedy assassinations, Space Shuttle Challenger’s demise, the 9/11 attacks. Television is not all fluff. Sure, there’s a lot of crap out there but there are also documentaries, news channels and informational programming as well. And even if all someone watches is garbage, there’s a certain commonality and hipness that comes along with knowing who got kicked off Survivor or AI (that’s American Idol to you, Mr. Snooty “I don’t watch TV” Snob) the previous night. It’s something that makes you relatable and sociable with others.
Their retort: “I’d much rather expand my mind by reading a book.” “I don’t really care who The Bachelor chose.” “You should go outside.” “You watch too much TV.”
My response: I read books, too. I just don’t feel the need to brag about it. That’s okay. I even draw the line at The Bachelor. The sun sucks! It causes cancer. And the bugs always eat me alive. I know you’re secretly getting TV shows by the season from Netflix.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Creep of The Week: Women who think they deserve medals for experiencing natural child birth
How to recognize them: Female with child(ren), she often likes to put herself in ridiculous situations and play the victim card. Then she expects the rest of us to be in awe of her fortitude for something she did not have to go through in the first place. Also, she has an extremely stretched out vagina.
Frequently heard saying: “My little Cole was 12 lbs at birth. AND I had him NATURALLY." (After saything this, she pauses for admiration). “It’s called labor for a reason.” “Honey, can you rub a little something on my perineum?” “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MY HOO HA!!!!”
Why they bug: This is completely unnecessary. Are you aware that you are not in a third world country and there are lots and lots of good drugs for this? Why waste technology? The only person who will be hurt by this is you. And your kids are never going to care how you got them out of you, no matter how hard you try to guilt them. And we know you will try to guilt them.
Their retort: “Giving birth is a natural process.” “Your vagina was created to stretch itself enough to pass a child through it.” “Women have been giving birth without drugs for thousands of years. You don’t need drugs.” “I just spent the last nine months without so much as a drop of caffeine. I’m not going to blow all that now."
My response: An epidural is the payoff of being drug free all this time. I’m sleepy. Give the epidural so that I can take a nap while I dilate. Sleeping during labor is the best part. Lord knows your sleep will not be as easily attained after labor is over.
Frequently heard saying: “My little Cole was 12 lbs at birth. AND I had him NATURALLY." (After saything this, she pauses for admiration). “It’s called labor for a reason.” “Honey, can you rub a little something on my perineum?” “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MY HOO HA!!!!”
Why they bug: This is completely unnecessary. Are you aware that you are not in a third world country and there are lots and lots of good drugs for this? Why waste technology? The only person who will be hurt by this is you. And your kids are never going to care how you got them out of you, no matter how hard you try to guilt them. And we know you will try to guilt them.
Their retort: “Giving birth is a natural process.” “Your vagina was created to stretch itself enough to pass a child through it.” “Women have been giving birth without drugs for thousands of years. You don’t need drugs.” “I just spent the last nine months without so much as a drop of caffeine. I’m not going to blow all that now."
My response: An epidural is the payoff of being drug free all this time. I’m sleepy. Give the epidural so that I can take a nap while I dilate. Sleeping during labor is the best part. Lord knows your sleep will not be as easily attained after labor is over.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Creep of The Week: The Five Minute Maniac
How to recognize them: Likely to be your boss, your boss’s boss, your boss’s boss’s boss or some other corporate big wig that is seldom seen, they often send “inspirational” emails talking about the latest business self help book that they’ve read or a modern day parable about a mentally or physically challenged kid who participated in a triathlon. These emails often end with what they believe to be an inspiring phrase like, “May the force be with you.” The emails also contain a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. Their offices have framed wall hangings from the Image Masters Inspirational Collection. Their bookshelves are lined with titles like “Who Moved My Cheese?” and “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Their personal lives tend to be the topic of gossip, as they are often in shambles due to divorce or marriages of appearance.
Frequently heard saying: “As Stephen Covey would say…” “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it” or some other such Dr. Phil like cliché.
Why they bug: FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! They want to lead and inspire yet, unless they are a Disney executive or have appeared on an episode of Undercover Boss, they have no concept of what their employees actually go through on a daily basis. They often do not have a formal education and can be easily intimidated by the people working for them that have obtained degrees. And they should be intimidated. We’re all laughing about the verbiage of your poorly written emails behind your back. Try typing it in Word first. It will show you the mistakes. Perhaps if you had a degree you’d know that. They likely lack that education because they have a difficulty comprehending what they read, which is why the business book genre is so appealing to them. They are fooled into thinking that this is a substitute for a real education by the authors of these books. Plus, there's no plot to follow. If you need some sort of inspirational picture with a line about “Challenges” and “Success” to motivate you, you should probably question why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. I’d also be inclined to guess that your wife left you because you were always at the office or away on business where you are surrounded by ass kissing sycophants. She probably saw through your bullshit and was not about to play your game. Then she got bored and fucked the gardener. For those that are married, you're not fooling anyone. We know you’re really gay and your spouse is a beard. Nothing is faker than that. Or your husband also has a high profile job with the company and you want to be seen so that you have greater opportunity to kiss the asses of other Five Minute Maniacs. The only thing you have in common with Obi Wan Kenobi is the facial hair, lady.
Their retort: “You’re fired!”
My response: “Can I borrow your copy of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?'”
Frequently heard saying: “As Stephen Covey would say…” “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it” or some other such Dr. Phil like cliché.
Why they bug: FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! They want to lead and inspire yet, unless they are a Disney executive or have appeared on an episode of Undercover Boss, they have no concept of what their employees actually go through on a daily basis. They often do not have a formal education and can be easily intimidated by the people working for them that have obtained degrees. And they should be intimidated. We’re all laughing about the verbiage of your poorly written emails behind your back. Try typing it in Word first. It will show you the mistakes. Perhaps if you had a degree you’d know that. They likely lack that education because they have a difficulty comprehending what they read, which is why the business book genre is so appealing to them. They are fooled into thinking that this is a substitute for a real education by the authors of these books. Plus, there's no plot to follow. If you need some sort of inspirational picture with a line about “Challenges” and “Success” to motivate you, you should probably question why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. I’d also be inclined to guess that your wife left you because you were always at the office or away on business where you are surrounded by ass kissing sycophants. She probably saw through your bullshit and was not about to play your game. Then she got bored and fucked the gardener. For those that are married, you're not fooling anyone. We know you’re really gay and your spouse is a beard. Nothing is faker than that. Or your husband also has a high profile job with the company and you want to be seen so that you have greater opportunity to kiss the asses of other Five Minute Maniacs. The only thing you have in common with Obi Wan Kenobi is the facial hair, lady.
Their retort: “You’re fired!”
My response: “Can I borrow your copy of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?'”
Friday, February 5, 2010
Creep of the week: Oscar the Cat
How to recognize him: He’s a fuzzy little white and gray bastard who lives in the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre in Providence, Rhode Island. Originally brought to the home as a therapy cat, he has accurately predicted 50 deaths by sleeping with the patient who is “the next to go.”
Read more here.
Frequently heard saying: “Meow!” “Purr!” “I hope they don’t wheel you out of here before I get a chance to eat your face.”
Why he bugs: What could possibly be creepier than a cat who has a history of hanging out with people who are about to die? They should have named him Horse Head. One day, you’re sitting around the retirement home, watching Columbo reruns. Next thing you know, Oscar the Creep passes out on your face after you doze off and he smothers you.
Oh. That’s not what he does? Well, anyway, he must smell death on you or something. It’s still creepy. Maybe the nurses are scrimping on the sponge baths.
A new book about this cat suggests that he is helping the patients make the transition between life and death like a little angel. But seriously, if you woke up in the middle of the night and that thing was in your bed, don’t tell me it wouldn’t freak you out.
His retort: “Hiss!”
My response: “Why don’t you go sleep in Ralph Nader’s bed?”
Read more here.
Frequently heard saying: “Meow!” “Purr!” “I hope they don’t wheel you out of here before I get a chance to eat your face.”
Why he bugs: What could possibly be creepier than a cat who has a history of hanging out with people who are about to die? They should have named him Horse Head. One day, you’re sitting around the retirement home, watching Columbo reruns. Next thing you know, Oscar the Creep passes out on your face after you doze off and he smothers you.
Oh. That’s not what he does? Well, anyway, he must smell death on you or something. It’s still creepy. Maybe the nurses are scrimping on the sponge baths.
A new book about this cat suggests that he is helping the patients make the transition between life and death like a little angel. But seriously, if you woke up in the middle of the night and that thing was in your bed, don’t tell me it wouldn’t freak you out.
His retort: “Hiss!”
My response: “Why don’t you go sleep in Ralph Nader’s bed?”
Friday, January 29, 2010
Creep of the week: People who talk about their workouts incessantly
How to recognize them: This is most likely your friend on facebook, the annoying girl from high school who has probably always been a little on the chubby side. She posts daily about how she's hitting the gym after work or about annoying things that people at the gym do. Then she tells you about the 5K she's entering in April.
Frequently heard saying: "Is it 5 o'clock yet? I can't wait to head to Gold's and get on that treadmill!" "If you're able to be on the treadmill and talk on your cell phone, then you are NOT working hard enough." "I'm all signed up for my first 5K! Wish me luck"
Why they bug: Okay, we get it! You realize that you are not or were not living a healthy lifestyle and want to make changes. But can you just shut the fuck up about it? Good for you for realizing what your friends knew and were afraid to tell you. But honey, no one believes you're actually running the whole 5K. We know you're going to walk. And that's okay, too! It has been my experience that people who are truly serious about working out and living a healthy lifestyle don't usually talk about it, pretty much for the same reasons why they don't talk about brushing their teeth or tying their shoelaces. It's a habit that has become a way of life. It's just another part of their day.
Their retort: "You're just lazy and jealous." "I have to talk about it in order to be motivated to keep doing it."
My response: Lazy, perhaps. Jealous, not really. I don't need to run a 5K because I have a car. I can drive it, thanks. And if you need to talk about it, I suggest joining an online forum with other people like you. You'll probably have an easier time finding them this time of year. Usually by March the New Year's resolutions have run stale.
Frequently heard saying: "Is it 5 o'clock yet? I can't wait to head to Gold's and get on that treadmill!" "If you're able to be on the treadmill and talk on your cell phone, then you are NOT working hard enough." "I'm all signed up for my first 5K! Wish me luck"
Why they bug: Okay, we get it! You realize that you are not or were not living a healthy lifestyle and want to make changes. But can you just shut the fuck up about it? Good for you for realizing what your friends knew and were afraid to tell you. But honey, no one believes you're actually running the whole 5K. We know you're going to walk. And that's okay, too! It has been my experience that people who are truly serious about working out and living a healthy lifestyle don't usually talk about it, pretty much for the same reasons why they don't talk about brushing their teeth or tying their shoelaces. It's a habit that has become a way of life. It's just another part of their day.
Their retort: "You're just lazy and jealous." "I have to talk about it in order to be motivated to keep doing it."
My response: Lazy, perhaps. Jealous, not really. I don't need to run a 5K because I have a car. I can drive it, thanks. And if you need to talk about it, I suggest joining an online forum with other people like you. You'll probably have an easier time finding them this time of year. Usually by March the New Year's resolutions have run stale.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
