I got and education today

Today I had to visit a customer to get an application signed. I ended up spending my entire morning on the road with one of my sales reps, Lenny.

Lenny is big motorcycle dude. He kind of reminds me of a pro wrestler. And he's obnoxious as hell. He makes up random songs about everything. "It's the sewage plant! Sewwwwwaaaaaage! Don't take a breath!" Sometimes they're funny. Sometimes they're annoying.

A lot of what Lenny does is annoying, and deliberately so at that. His main sales tactic is to wear customers down by annoying them to the point where they buy from him just to get them out of their offices. I was all ready to just drop off the application and have them fax me a copy when the boss was out of his meeting. Lenny set up camp and annoyed the staff until someone took the application into the owner's room and got it signed for us.

He told me three stories:

1. He visited a job site once with a box of doughnuts. When the customer opened the box, he discovered that there was a bite taken out of every single doughnut. Lenny said, "If you want the whole doughnuts, you're going to have to buy something from me." After the customer placed an order, Lenny pulled another box of doughnuts out of his truck. The doughnuts in that box were untouched.

2. Lenny visited another job site and the customer was on a ladder. The customer asked him to throw a pencil up to him. Lenny broke the pencil in half and told the customer that if he wanted the other half of the pencil, he'd have to place an order. Somehow, this also worked.

3. Lenny walked into a customer's office and starts dancing and humming the Bugs Bunny theme song loudly finishing by belting out "On with the show this is iiiiiiiiitttttt!!!!" The conversation that followed went like this:

Customer: Who the FUCK are you??!?!

Lenny: I'm Lenny from (insert company name)

C: I know that song. What the fuck is that song?

L: It's the theme to Bugs Bunny

C: You're really fucked up!

L: I know. Wanna buy something from me?

Somehow this also worked.

"You always have to do something so they don't forget who you are," he told me.

Lenny's boss also told me that one time when he was with Lenny and a customer, Lenny said, "If you don't start buying from us, I'm going to go get one of those baby pools and sit in it all day in my Spedo doing my Manatee Boy impersonation." And he made a little hand motion to indicate what Manatee Boy looked like.

So, he's entertaining. But he's definitely still annoying. He promised to drop some invoices off at a customer's office and then called me lazy after he tried to pass the buck on to me and I refused to do it. It was out of my way and it was really his responsibility. He's very self absorbed and never seems to listen to anyone else. And he plays dumb a lot to get out of doing things and have others do his work for him.

But it was interesting and entertaining, to say the least.

A girl and her implementation device

Today I went to a Franklin Covey seminar. For those of you not familiar with these seminars, they basically teach you how to prioritize, organize and pump you with all sorts of feel good bullshit.

And usually I buy into the bullshit. I get inspired. I've been known to walk out of those things feeling like I was going to be able to go back to my office and solve all of the company's problems like some sort of superhuman. This time? Eh, not so much...

I think it was because I just didn't bond with the instructor. Think: a real life version of Mr. Garrison from South Park, only instead of a puppet on his hand he had a day planner attached. Oops! I'm not supposed to call it a day planner. In the world of Franklin Covey, the planner is known as an "implementation device." To me, an implementation advice sounds like something a woman would have attached to her if she was getting a sex change. But what do I know? I'm a pervert.

Anyway, my instructor's name was Tim. He was a former ROTC guy, clearly in denial of his homosexuality. He kept a picture of his Russian wife Kira on the front table and spoke to her picture at times. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kira." It was freakin' creepy. I'm fairly certain he ordered her as a mail order bride as a beard to the homosexuality. Oh, Timmy! Have you not heard of "don't ask, don't tell?"

In addition to Tim, there was Terry, the woman who worked at the registration table. The best way that I can describe Terry would be to say that she looked like a televangelist's wife. She had a large, blonde helmet of a hair do, a jillion gold bangle bracelets, lots of make up. And she was serious as hell. I mentioned to her that my co-worker was stuck in traffic and would be late. "Well, you should probably save her a seat." I smiled.

"No, I'm serious," she said.

No shit. I guess you aren't supposed to smile or be happy at time management seminars. And she totally fucked me up by helping me put my planner, er, "implementation device" together. I mean, it's a fucking day planner! How could it possibly make your life easier if it's not something you can put together yourself?

There were a bunch of other things during the seminar that just seemed hokey to me. Tim quoted Thoreau. I hate when people try to be poetic and intellectual just because they read Walden. Fuck that. I have more respect for people who read William S. Burroughs. At least it's a challenge and not a 10th grade lit assignment.

Tim also tried to be intellectually superior by denouncing television. Okay, I know that there is a lot of crap on television. But on a certain level, to shut it all off and denounce it completely puts you at a social disadvantage. And people think you're creepy. Tim said the instead of watching television, he and his potentially tranny wife Kira talk about their relationship. What a joy it must be to be married to this guy. "Let's talk about us. How are we doing?" *vomit* If my husband ever wanted to talk about our marriage that blatantly, I'd be on the phone to one of my gay friends so fast trying to hook him up...And further, if you really NEED to have that kind of conversation that frequently, you probably shouldn't be married. Don't over analyze, dude. Just go with it. And if it's right, it will work out.

Tim was quite the holier than thou type. He told us that one of his values is that he tries to be the portrait of emotional health. Tim does not get jealous. Tim lives free of resentment. When Tim makes a mistake, he acknowledges it and moves on. He tries to be a "world class" leader. And everything was "world class" for that matter. Not everything can be that way. Otherwise, "world class" would quickly become ordinary like everything else. He also said that we should also use "world class" language by eliminating certain words from our vocabulary and replacing them with other words. All I have to say to that is, "Fuck you, Tim, you swaining flit!"

Tim's other schtick was "Where else does this show up in your life?" Let me explain further with this example. At the beginning of the seminar, Tim asked us to let him know right away if he was not living up to the guidelines on the evaluation form. At the end of the seminar, he said, "If you don't rate this seminar with 9's and 10's on your form, you did not follow through on what I asked at the beginning. You avoided confronting me. And where else in your life are you avoiding things?" Um, Tim? I think you just committed emotional blackmail. And maybe you should confront those urges that are keeping you trapped in the closet like R. Kelly.

As for the actual content of the seminar, I might just follow through with it. It's not too hard or too bad.

Hopefully, I'll remember to take the implementation device out of my car.

Things from last night that were totally unnecessary

I went to my niece's gymnastics recital last night. Some people might find gymnastics recitals unnecessary to begin with. I actually kind of like them. I've always been envious of people who could flip around with a lot of ease. After kicking myself in the lungs and knocking the wind out of myself on a few occasions while trying to perform various stunts, I realized it would probably be best if I kept my klutzy little self from doing gymnastics. But I'm still mesmerized and thrilled to watch others.

The first thing that I think is completely unnecessary is this trend as of late to take every song and make it into some sort of dance mix. For example, do we really need a dance version of Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart?" Looking over the program, I noticed a few slower songs and wondered they could be used to make gymnastics exciting. Awful, just awful. On another note, we were also subjected to two Michael Jackson songs. The boy gymnasts looked a little scared. That almost ties in with my second point...

I also don't think it's necessary to put words across the ass of shorts or sweatpants, especially on children. That's just weird and possibly sick. Just about every girl (but not the boys) had a pair of shorts that said "Dreamer" across the ass. Their ages ranged probably from around 3 to 18, if I had to guess. I never particularly cared for this trend in the first place, maybe because I hate when people look at my ass. This almost leads me to my third point...

Was it really necessary for the waitress at the diner where I had dinner to follow me into the bathroom to ask me if I wanted dessert? Really. I know on some level she was trying to make up for bad service. I watched my plate sit under the heat lamps for a while, even though she promised she'd get it out to us quickly. I saw the other waitress remind her that it was there. But really, being a pee shy kind of girl in the first place, it would have been fine if she would have waited for me to get back tot he booth.

Overall, it was a fun night, but I got a little woozy and ended up missing this band that my friend TJ suggested I check out. Hopefully, I'll get to see them next time they are around.

Seeing Things from a Better Side than Most Can Dream - DMB and a Few OAR Songs at Hershey

I think the reason why my opinion of Dave Matthews fluctuates so much is because the stuff that he does that I like, I really really like. And the songs that he does that I hate make me feel like I'm dying a slow death. I think that's the biggest thing that I learned from seeing him play for nearly three hours in Hershey last night. The problem is, the Dave Matthews songs that I like could probably only fill the time span of roughly an hour.

And Hershey was not built to handle a jillion Dave Matthews fans.

Here's the whole story.

Paul and I had every intention of getting out of work a little early to get there, but that didn't work out for either of us. Traffic was pretty bad. We pulled into the first lot that we saw. This later proved to be a bad move. We ended up having to take a long walking detour to cross the street, which took us several blocks in the wrong direction. The fuzz was everywhere instructing the crowd of where to go, so it's not like we would have been able to do anything about it. I guess they're trying to control the crowd, but they're really giving Hershey's logistics a bad name. We could have outsmarted them by saying we were going to go to the park, but my brain had not kicked into gear in time.

To top it all off, Joyce Meyer was at the Hershey Arena. So, you had the drunk and stoned hippie kids all mixed in with the bible bangers. What a show!

We continued walking and walking. As we got closer, they had the show piping through a sound system outside the stadium. I was pretty disappointed because I knew OAR had to be at least half way finished with their set at this time. Seeing them was one of the deciding factors in purchasing the tickets. By the time we got to our seats, we had missed everything but the last two songs. All I can say is that what I heard there and outside was good. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to see them another time.

Dave came out at around 8:30 with "Best of What's Around" which put a smile on my face. I was hoping this would be a show where I would hear a lot of stuff that I knew and liked. He played "Pig" and then went into "Say Goodbye," which is my absolute favorite Dave Matthews song. During the opening jam before the song, I told Paul that if they were playing "Say Goodbye," I'd be happy enough to never need to see them live again. Not being a very big DMB fan, Paul seemed really happy to hear that.

As for the rest of the show, the full set list can be found here. Here are a few random observations. They take a really long pause between songs. Paul and I were coming up with things that you can do between songs at a Dave Matthews Band show. We came up with playing another song, ordering a pizza and reading War and Peace. The band was really good. There's a lot of talent there. He played a few songs that I know and like a lot, ending with "Ants Marching," which was cool. But a lot of it was the mind numbing stuff that I don't like. But I realize that he's not playing a private show for me, so I just have to suck it up. And Dave hasn't changed much over the years. He's still hot.

Here are my crowd observations. I saw a guy who looked a lot like Joe Plasko and a girl who looked like this chick from one of my classes who has really weird speech patterns. The chick next to me seemed significantly older than her boyfriend, but then I realized that they're probably about the same age. She just looked old because she smoked a lot. I'm pretty sure the guy in front of us who was tagging along with a lovey dovey couple had the hots for the girl half of the couple. The crowd was really into the show, screaming and singing the lyrics back to the band with their thick Dutchy accents.

We made our way towards the exit before the encore started and hung around near the exit until it was over. But we still got crushed. We shortened the amount of time and effort that it would take to get to our car by jumping a fence and j-walking across a four lane highway. When we got to the parking lot, we noticed that the retarded cops directing traffic were not letting people make left turns. We saw a guy make one and almost run the one cop over. God forbid they do their job and actually direct traffic rather than blocking it off and inconveniencing people. Fucking power trippers...

Overall, it was good. It wasn't the worst show, but not the best, either. I probably wouldn't see them again, but then again, I'm not a die hard fan. I climbed the mountain and got the experience. There's no need to do it again.

Battle of the B Grade Sports ~or~ Why I Would Rather See Pro Lacrosse Than Arena Football

Tonight I saw my first arena football game. Ok, it was a minor league kind of deal (The Reading Express) and I had a good time bonding with my assistant. It was her idea to go and she invited me along. I used to think that arena football was played in warehouses or something. It was also the playoffs and they lost miserably. Overall, it was an ok experience. I'd probably go again. But this was not nearly as good as a Philadelphia Wings game, not by a long shot.

Here are my top ten reasons why.

1. Arena football seriously lacks hot Canadians. Arena football players don't say "eh." They probably don't listen to Rush. And they're not nearly as cute.

2. Arena football players don't go drinking with you after the game. Sure, you're allowed on the field to get autographs, but so what? You could have a hot Canadian lacrosse player not only sign a beer coaster, but possibly pass along his spare free drink tickets, especially if he happens to be on the wagon that particular week.

3. They don't pray after a lacrosse game. They run a victory lap. Isn't that more exciting to watch? And let's suppose there really is a God. Do you really think he gives a shit about an arena football game?

4. You can't get crab fries at the Sovereign Center. 'Nuff said.

5. Arena football players are a bunch of pussies. There's no fighting. The refs are too quick to step in. It's sometimes cathartic to watch one obnoxious jerk off pound the crap out of another obnoxious jerk off. Pro lacrosse players also pummel the shit out of each other with big sticks. You can also steal these sticks and dance with them at the bar after the game.

6. Arena football players don't burn flags.

"Chrissy! That's not the PC thing to say! And besides, he wasn't burning it, he was dancing on it to put the flames out."

Ok, ok. You can scratch that one.

6. There aren't any hood rats running around at pro lacrosse games. I watched these two little brats run all over the place, nearly knocking over people carrying beer, completely oblivious to anything but themselves. If they were my kids, they'd be on leashes.

7. My mascot could kick your mascot's ass. First off, it took me for forever to realize that Loco, the Reading Express' mascot is a retarded blue pony. Then the fucking smelly bastard stood right in front of me, blocking my view of the game and flashed gang signs to the hood rats. He's blue, so I'm guessing he's a Crip. He sat down then. His fat head continued to block my view. I wanted to kick him. Mad Dog would kick this fucker's ass.

8. The Reading Express' half time entertainment is lame lame lame. They did this stupid dance contest to Kylie Minogue's version of "The Locomotion." And the dance they did was dumb. It was your basic roll your arms in circles and make that pulling motion like you're tooting a horn. Goofy. Just goofy.

9. In pro lacrosse, the music continues while the ball is in play. I can't think of another sport that does that. And it adds to the excitement. It keeps you involved.

10. The music is also better in pro lacrosse. At the Express game, they played a lot of rap and old school dance shit. Lacrosse music rocks! They play more classic rock and alternative. I guess that's just a personal preference. But please, who really wants to hear the fucking Humpty Dance?

I know. I sound sour. I really had a good time overall. But in a lot of ways, it made me miss lacrosse season. I guess if I didn't have anything to compare it to, I probably would have liked it a lot more. It just fell short by comparison in my mind

Nothing lasts forever, only fades away - The Hooters at the Electric Factory

I saw the Hooters in concert 19 years ago (yes, I was 11). They played at the local Catholic school's gym. It was a benefit show for a little girl who needed a bone marrow transplant. And it was a pretty big deal at the time, I guess. They had made it pretty big with Nervous Night and they had just released One Way Home.

Friday's show was also a big deal, at least to a lot of people in Philly. When we arrived at the Electric Factory after work, they were lined up for blocks around the corner to get in. I was surprised. The show was sold out and I can honestly say I've never seen that many people at the Electric Factory before. It was crazy.

We were harassed by a scary dude in the parking lot. I acted crazy so that he'd leave us alone. I said the most off the wall thing to Paul that came to mind and the guy just looked at us an walked away. The look on Paul's face was priceless because he didn't know what I was doing. This was advice that I recently got from the Opie and Anthony show about what to do when approached by someone in a parking lot...

"Excuse me, which way is north?"

"Uh..."

Bam! And then the next thing you hear is "Just hear those sleigh bells jinglin'" But wasn't it just summer? Why are you in the hospital? Why aren't there any mirrors around you? Why is your mom in the corner crying?

But I digress...

We got to the end of the long line and finally got in. We made our way up stairs to the bar area, found a spot and got beer (in that order, right, Paul?). There was an opening band. I can't remember their name. Ike? Ipe? They sing that song that goes "Baby do you wanna take a ride into Philadelphia?" I don't know if they play that song in other parts of the country, but you hear it around here sometimes. I'm not dying to get their CD or anything, but they weren't bad, I guess.

The Hooters came on with one of their later songs that I'm not familiar with. Then they went into "Day by Day." For the most part, they played a lot of slower crap and stuff that sucked. They covered "The Boys of Summer," which was slow, but okay. They did the bad version of "Fightin' on the Same Side," which really disappointed me. If fact, they really didn't play anything from Amore, surprising to me, considering that the crowd was probably full of die hard Philly fans who would have loved it. Fairly late into the first set, they played "Karla with a K" and said that they'd be rereleasing a newer version for hurricane victims in New Orleans. That's cool. They played "And We Danced" and the place went nuts. They came back out three times for encores. The first time, they completely shut off the lights on stage and played "All You Zombies." During the second encore, they came out and played songs that they wrote that were performed by other artists like "Time After Time" and "What If God Was One of Us?" At some point during this encore, they also did a little medley that ended with a verse of "Don't Knock It 'Til You Try It." They ended the final encore with "Blood From a Stone" and I was relieved because I was starting to think they weren't going to play it. It's one of my favorite songs due to the use of the word "bullshit."

Overall, it was okay. I guess I'm disappointed because they didn't play much from my two favorite albums, Amore and One Way Home. Well, they played some stuff from One Way Home, but it was the commercialized stuff. I would have been psyched with "Engine 999" or the title track. And they seemed to still be dressed in their 80's outfits. Rob Hyman is still hot and I'd still have 10,000 of his babies. But dude, the white pants and the vest have got to go.

I Think I Met a Culty on 06/06/06

A few weeks ago, I had a really bad experience at the ghetto Office Max. Okay, it's not really in the ghetto, but let's just say this Office Max isn't nearly as nice as the two other Office Max stores that are all within 10 miles of each other. At the ghetto Office Max, I experienced really poor service when I was trying to buy a chair for my computer desk. I took the little paper slip to the counter. A guy went back to their warehouse to look for my chair, but never took the slip with him. Then he called up front and said he couldn't find the chair and I should probably come back a few days later. I just went to another Office Max and bought the chair there instead.

Today, I went a little out of my way to the newest of the three Office Max stores to buy a new chair for my office since my boss broke my chair last week. No, she's not fat! She was trying to fix it for me. Sheesh! Anyway, I was barely in the furniture section before a tall, creepy looking blonde guy (who, in my mind, I nicknamed Skip because he just looked like a Skip) practically jumped on my back trying to sell me a chair. "Is this for an 8 hour job?" No, 10. "Arm rests? Wheels?" Both, please. No, that one's back is too low. I don't want a gray one...

This continued for a few minutes when Skip showed me this ugly ergonomic mess that seemed to move with me with every motion. "Mmmmm...I don't think so. I feel like a quadriplegic," I said, since it reminded me of that thing they used to wheel Christopher Reeve around in. I giggled about that, but it didn't really seem to phase Skip at all.

Side note: I know. I'm not supposed to make fun of the handicapped. But for those of you who don't know, the handicap jokes in my family were very common because my mom had very severe Multiple Sclerosis and an excellent sense of humor. Heck, her jokes were usually the funniest ones. I guess sometimes I forget that some people take things more seriously. But really these people should lighten the fuck up.

Skip had the same look in his eye like my cat used to have when he was a kitten and wanted to run up my leg. He was so determined! I had forgotten that this was the Office Max with the poor selection of chairs and felt a bit trapped. "I'll go get you the big catalogue! We're going to find you a chair today! Even if we have to order one!" I'm not kidding. He was that freakin' excited. I glanced down to see if his pants were wet.

Wanting to crush this guy's spirit (since I truly believe that's my life's mission...crushing the hopes of the perky), I said, "Well, I don't know. Maybe I should check in with my office and see what my budget is on this..." It didn't matter what I was talking about. I could have said, "Skip, this quadriplegic chair is turning me on! I want to handcuff you to it and give you a lap dance! Right here! In the middle of the store!" Skip would not have heard a word I said. He was so fucking hell bent on selling me a chair. I pushed the books away from him. If I was going to buy a chair without trying it out first, I would have ordered it from the internet and avoided his perky ass.

"Well, there's one more up front that maybe you'd like, but I don't know if it's enough for you." He seemed to be toning down a bit. He really really wanted me to look at the glossy pages of the catalogue. Turns out the chair up front was almost the same chair that I'm sitting on at home right now. I told him this and he said, "But can you take it for 10 hours?" Oh can I, Skip! I told him I'm also a grad student and I've surely spent 10 hours in this chair at a time. He seemed disappointed. And it wasn't that it was a cheap chair. "Can I get you a floor mat?" No thanks, Skip. I prefer to wheel over the corpses of men who enjoy their lives a little too much. "Jose will take it to your car for you." Dejected, Skip scurried back to the back of the store where he belongs.

Ok. Who loves their job that freakin' much? Especially in retail! It almost made me miss the lack of service at the other Office Depot.

Well, I better get back to my new chair now. They seem to be tugging on the leash that's tied to it.

PS Happy National Day of Slayer!

Like Ben Franklin said, "I didn't fail the test. I found a 100 ways to do it wrong."

Fuuuuuuuccccckkkk!

So I studied. I mean, I really really fucking studied more or less non stop for the last three days for my accounting midterm (yes, can you believe it's "mid term" already?). I thought I had a grasp on this shit. Then I got to the test and my mind...went...blank... I got overwhelmed, nearly passing out from the stress. Numbers spun around and danced in my head like Sesame Street puppets.

I think I failed.

And I think having to take this class is total fucking bullshit. I'm a fucking HR major! I can hire someone to do managerial accounting. I have no ambition of ever owning my own company and there is zero chance of me ever finding myself in a position in which I'm going to have to use activity based costing to figure out the cost per DVD player manufactured. And if I do happen to find myself in that position, one of you better promise to put me out of my misery.

"But you need to know something about accounting. How else will you balance your check book."

Fuck you. I balance my check book to the penny. Always have. It's addition and subtraction, not brain fucking surgery. Hell, unless I'm in a foriegn country, I don't even use ATMs that belong to other banks because I'm afraid I'm not going to total the fees correctly. I can budget my bills and spending money just fine. And even when I occassionally fall into a pit of retail therapy, I even have a plan for that payback immediately. What more fucking accounting could I possibly need?

I'm so worked up about this. I'm now on my second Red Nectar of the evening and I've barely been home an hour. It's the only way I foresee myself sleeping tonight.