Tonight I saw my first arena football game. Ok, it was a minor league kind of deal (The Reading Express) and I had a good time bonding with my assistant. It was her idea to go and she invited me along. I used to think that arena football was played in warehouses or something. It was also the playoffs and they lost miserably. Overall, it was an ok experience. I'd probably go again. But this was not nearly as good as a Philadelphia Wings game, not by a long shot.
Here are my top ten reasons why.
1. Arena football seriously lacks hot Canadians. Arena football players don't say "eh." They probably don't listen to Rush. And they're not nearly as cute.
2. Arena football players don't go drinking with you after the game. Sure, you're allowed on the field to get autographs, but so what? You could have a hot Canadian lacrosse player not only sign a beer coaster, but possibly pass along his spare free drink tickets, especially if he happens to be on the wagon that particular week.
3. They don't pray after a lacrosse game. They run a victory lap. Isn't that more exciting to watch? And let's suppose there really is a God. Do you really think he gives a shit about an arena football game?
4. You can't get crab fries at the Sovereign Center. 'Nuff said.
5. Arena football players are a bunch of pussies. There's no fighting. The refs are too quick to step in. It's sometimes cathartic to watch one obnoxious jerk off pound the crap out of another obnoxious jerk off. Pro lacrosse players also pummel the shit out of each other with big sticks. You can also steal these sticks and dance with them at the bar after the game.
6. Arena football players don't burn flags.
"Chrissy! That's not the PC thing to say! And besides, he wasn't burning it, he was dancing on it to put the flames out."
Ok, ok. You can scratch that one.
6. There aren't any hood rats running around at pro lacrosse games. I watched these two little brats run all over the place, nearly knocking over people carrying beer, completely oblivious to anything but themselves. If they were my kids, they'd be on leashes.
7. My mascot could kick your mascot's ass. First off, it took me for forever to realize that Loco, the Reading Express' mascot is a retarded blue pony. Then the fucking smelly bastard stood right in front of me, blocking my view of the game and flashed gang signs to the hood rats. He's blue, so I'm guessing he's a Crip. He sat down then. His fat head continued to block my view. I wanted to kick him. Mad Dog would kick this fucker's ass.
8. The Reading Express' half time entertainment is lame lame lame. They did this stupid dance contest to Kylie Minogue's version of "The Locomotion." And the dance they did was dumb. It was your basic roll your arms in circles and make that pulling motion like you're tooting a horn. Goofy. Just goofy.
9. In pro lacrosse, the music continues while the ball is in play. I can't think of another sport that does that. And it adds to the excitement. It keeps you involved.
10. The music is also better in pro lacrosse. At the Express game, they played a lot of rap and old school dance shit. Lacrosse music rocks! They play more classic rock and alternative. I guess that's just a personal preference. But please, who really wants to hear the fucking Humpty Dance?
I know. I sound sour. I really had a good time overall. But in a lot of ways, it made me miss lacrosse season. I guess if I didn't have anything to compare it to, I probably would have liked it a lot more. It just fell short by comparison in my mind
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