A girl and her implementation device

Today I went to a Franklin Covey seminar. For those of you not familiar with these seminars, they basically teach you how to prioritize, organize and pump you with all sorts of feel good bullshit.

And usually I buy into the bullshit. I get inspired. I've been known to walk out of those things feeling like I was going to be able to go back to my office and solve all of the company's problems like some sort of superhuman. This time? Eh, not so much...

I think it was because I just didn't bond with the instructor. Think: a real life version of Mr. Garrison from South Park, only instead of a puppet on his hand he had a day planner attached. Oops! I'm not supposed to call it a day planner. In the world of Franklin Covey, the planner is known as an "implementation device." To me, an implementation advice sounds like something a woman would have attached to her if she was getting a sex change. But what do I know? I'm a pervert.

Anyway, my instructor's name was Tim. He was a former ROTC guy, clearly in denial of his homosexuality. He kept a picture of his Russian wife Kira on the front table and spoke to her picture at times. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kira." It was freakin' creepy. I'm fairly certain he ordered her as a mail order bride as a beard to the homosexuality. Oh, Timmy! Have you not heard of "don't ask, don't tell?"

In addition to Tim, there was Terry, the woman who worked at the registration table. The best way that I can describe Terry would be to say that she looked like a televangelist's wife. She had a large, blonde helmet of a hair do, a jillion gold bangle bracelets, lots of make up. And she was serious as hell. I mentioned to her that my co-worker was stuck in traffic and would be late. "Well, you should probably save her a seat." I smiled.

"No, I'm serious," she said.

No shit. I guess you aren't supposed to smile or be happy at time management seminars. And she totally fucked me up by helping me put my planner, er, "implementation device" together. I mean, it's a fucking day planner! How could it possibly make your life easier if it's not something you can put together yourself?

There were a bunch of other things during the seminar that just seemed hokey to me. Tim quoted Thoreau. I hate when people try to be poetic and intellectual just because they read Walden. Fuck that. I have more respect for people who read William S. Burroughs. At least it's a challenge and not a 10th grade lit assignment.

Tim also tried to be intellectually superior by denouncing television. Okay, I know that there is a lot of crap on television. But on a certain level, to shut it all off and denounce it completely puts you at a social disadvantage. And people think you're creepy. Tim said the instead of watching television, he and his potentially tranny wife Kira talk about their relationship. What a joy it must be to be married to this guy. "Let's talk about us. How are we doing?" *vomit* If my husband ever wanted to talk about our marriage that blatantly, I'd be on the phone to one of my gay friends so fast trying to hook him up...And further, if you really NEED to have that kind of conversation that frequently, you probably shouldn't be married. Don't over analyze, dude. Just go with it. And if it's right, it will work out.

Tim was quite the holier than thou type. He told us that one of his values is that he tries to be the portrait of emotional health. Tim does not get jealous. Tim lives free of resentment. When Tim makes a mistake, he acknowledges it and moves on. He tries to be a "world class" leader. And everything was "world class" for that matter. Not everything can be that way. Otherwise, "world class" would quickly become ordinary like everything else. He also said that we should also use "world class" language by eliminating certain words from our vocabulary and replacing them with other words. All I have to say to that is, "Fuck you, Tim, you swaining flit!"

Tim's other schtick was "Where else does this show up in your life?" Let me explain further with this example. At the beginning of the seminar, Tim asked us to let him know right away if he was not living up to the guidelines on the evaluation form. At the end of the seminar, he said, "If you don't rate this seminar with 9's and 10's on your form, you did not follow through on what I asked at the beginning. You avoided confronting me. And where else in your life are you avoiding things?" Um, Tim? I think you just committed emotional blackmail. And maybe you should confront those urges that are keeping you trapped in the closet like R. Kelly.

As for the actual content of the seminar, I might just follow through with it. It's not too hard or too bad.

Hopefully, I'll remember to take the implementation device out of my car.