Things I Wish I Could Say On Facebook

Driving to the Jersey shore is not a road trip.

Okay. We get it. You’re in love. Stop being gross with the mushy stuff.

Oy with the fucking Farmville shit already!

Did we not attend the same classes in high school? Why does your grammar suck so badly?

I voted for Specter because I don’t think Sestak has a shot in hell in November. And Toomey scares the holy fuck out of me. You may as well give him the keys to the office now. Thanks.

I’m not going to pray that your child and dog do better with their potty training. I’m pretty sure Jesus has more pressing issues than where your child or puppy take a shit.

Sue Sylvester is not a real person.

You don’t have to piss on my birthday cake to put the candles out. (Actually, I might make this one my status one of these days.)

Your quotations are inspirational and all but given your profession, you should be giving us more original updates.

You’re a hypocritical douche.

You’re an arrogant hypocritical douche.

You were a douche in high school. I see nothing has changed.

Look, we know Sarah Palin is an idiot. Are there really people out there who take her seriously?

Holy crap, you got fat!

Your child does not need a six month birthday party.

One of my ex-boyfriends has very ugly children.

I think your next wardrobe should consist of wrinkle free fabrics. You seem to spend a lot of time ironing.

Yankees suck!

Pretending to be a nice guy might get you laid but she’ll figure it out eventually.

Pretending to be a Republican might get you laid but it also makes you look like a douche.

Jesus Christ! Will you find a new job already? I’m sick of seeing you bitch everyday.

I might offend you when I bash your religion but you offend me when you bash gay people. So fuck you.

Bon Jovi and his goofy grin are partly responsible for the decline of heavy metal music. Rock stars should be angrier, fucking everything with a hole and a heartbeat and not married to their high school sweethearts.

Going to church and posting little “God bless you,” quotations does not make up for fucking another woman’s husband, you whore.

Come to think of it, it’s always the bible bangers that do the most fucked up shit.

Those pictures of yourself all look the same. Maybe you should just pick one.