Not Everything That Counts Can Be Measured

It’s hard for me to avoid baseball this time of year. My husband and his family are big baseball fans. My dad obsessively watches the Phillies. Many of my closest friends are big baseball fans as well.

It’s not that I hate baseball. I just find it to be very slow. It makes me sleepy. My dad used to watch Phillies games on Sunday afternoons while dozing on the couch. I think I’ve been conditioned to do the same thing. Besides, it’s a game of numbers and statistics. And we all know that I hate statistics.

Tonight, one of those statistics should have been but never came to be due to human error. Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga pitched what should have been the 21st perfect game in history. However, when umpire Jim Joyce blew a call on what should have been the last play of the game, his perfect game was blown.

What unfolded after these events is what truly surprised me.

When the press interviewed these two men, they both acted in ways that were refreshing in this day and age. In a time when we have athletic stars who are overpaid egomaniacs, Galarraga smiled and told reporters that he was sure that no one felt worse about the call than the umpire. Here is a guy who had a chance to be a positive historical statistic, make a name for himself and ensure his induction as a hall of fame player. The odds of him ever accomplishing such an achievement again are nil. Most people would be angry, not smiling and practically saying that they felt bad for the guy who made the mistake.

Also, in a society where people are quick to pass the buck and refuse to be accountable for their actions, Jim Joyce remorsefully owned up to his mistake. He admitted that he was wrong at the time of the call. With instant replay, it was easy to see. But in person, from his perspective, perhaps it was not as clear-cut. He’s just a man with his two eyes. Men make mistakes. Great men admit them.

This is the kind of sportsmanship we always teach but rarely see in practice. This is a great lesson for our children. Galarraga’s sportsmanship teaches empathy and to see things from the other person’s point of view when facing conflict. Joyce shows us that admitting our wrongs is the right thing to do.

This is the stuff fables are made of. Sure, this will not go down in the records as a historical moment. But the way the men interacted teaches a lesson far beyond statistics.

Confessions

Taylor Lautner bugs the shit out of me. I think it’s his face. It looks like he got hit in the face with a frying pan. I can’t stand to watch him in interviews and even the characters he plays are annoying.

I can’t read The Lorax with out crying. This isn’t even some hormonal pregnancy thing. I’ve never been able to do it, not even as a child. The part that really gets me is the whole, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” In fact, I can barely type it now without tearing up.

I’ve never seen the Goonies.

I used to cheat at Heads Up Seven Up in first grade. I would put my head down low on the desk and peek at the shoes of the people walking by.

Snakes bring me great anxiety. I can’t even watch them on television without my heart rate increasing and getting nervous. If I watch them for prolong periods of time, I have nightmares.

I think little boys in rompers look silly. I also don’t like these jiaper things they have out now. In case you don’t know what jiapers are, they are diapers that look like they are made of denim. How about putting some fucking clothes on your kid? Plus, they are made by Huggies. Huggies suck for girls. I have heard moms of boys rave about them, though. I think it’s a boy thing.

I don’t like the term “hip momma.” It sounds desperate. I like to think of myself as fairly modern and up on the latest stuff. But I would never call myself a “hip momma.”

I can’t listen to Sheryl Crow’s song “All I Wanna Do.” The last time I listened to it on purpose, I got a speeding ticket. This was twelve years ago and that’s all I can think of every time I hear it.

I will never understand why women get breast reduction surgery. It’s not the girls. It’s your posture or your bras. Or try losing weight naturally. Boobies are beautiful things that can get you what you want if you point them at something and ask the right person for it. It took me a long time to figure this out. I hated my breasts growing up but I couldn’t imagine “deflating” them now.

There used to be this reality based game show called Everest. The contestants had to perform various physical challenges (hiking, rappelling, etc.) and the winners got to climb Mount Everest. How the fuck is that a prize? “Congratulations! You’ve won an opportunity to do something that is so strenuous and dangerous it can kill you!” I don’t get it.

Creep Of The Week: The Fertility Police

How to recognize them: They stare at you and your kids when you’re out in public, giving what they believe to be sympathetic looks if you have more than one. They get extremely nosey when you only have one child. And they treat you like a barren freak of nature if you tell them you don’t want children at all.

Frequently heard saying: “Oh you poor thing! You must have your hands full! I pity you!” “So, when are you having another one?” “You don’t want kids?!?!” **clutches pearls** “But children are such a blessing! You’re young yet. You’ll change your mind.”

Why they bug: Why do people have such a hard time with the “live and let live” concept? We all make our choices. The number of children you decide to have, or not have, is completely up to you. We have control over these things. We are free to live our lives in whatever way makes us happy. Just because a woman is juggling more than one child, that does not mean her life is miserable. Some people are perfectly satisfied with one child. And if someone decides that parenthood is not something they have any interest in at all, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. We all have our private reasons for these decisions. What if the woman at the grocery store adopted one of her children, saving them from horrible circumstances? What if the woman with one child had financial problems and another child isn’t something they could afford? What if the woman who chooses not to have children reached her decision after learning that she has fertility issues? It’s rude to make assumptions. It’s rude to ask questions. Does it really matter that much to you?

Their retort: “I was just making conversation.” “I was trying to be compassionate.” “I just know how much I love my kids and hate to see people miss out on this joy.”

My response: Get your fucking nose out of my uterus and mind your own business!

Do Not Adjust Your Monitor

I’m about to side with conservatives.

Today, I was informed of a controversy involving my high school alma mater. It seems that the school caved to pressure by certain members of the community to not actively promote or inform parents of the senior class’s baccalaureate.

I have to say I’m surprised that the school board would behave this way, being in, as James Carville would say, “the Alabama part of Pennsylvania.” Having God and right wing ideology is frequently preached and shoved down the throats of members of the community. I would think that the people who have complained about this situation would be silenced or ignored, rather than having the board cater to their desires.

I don’t understand why it would be a big deal to inform the community of an activity that is open to the public and isn’t harming anyone. It’s not mandatory for the students to attend. If it were, my opinion would differ. The students and their families have a choice as to whether or not they should attend the service. As long as no one will be harassed, punished or discriminated against for not attending, what is the problem?

My attitude with religion is to live and let live. If you don’t believe in God, how does prayer harm you? If anything, there is a benefit in that the people doing their praying are just wasting their time talking to someone that you don’t thing exists when they could be engaging in much more dangerous like campaigning for Pat Toomey. It’s conservative busy work; a child’s toy that will keep them occupied and out of the way for hours.

If it goes against your beliefs, don’t attend. Since I’ve always adapted the “I hate Sean Hannity/Glenn Beck/Bill O’Reily so I avoid them” philosophy, it would be hypocritical of me to suggest something else in this case as well.

If we drag an event like this underground by not talking about it, we start to infringe upon the rights of others to practice their religion. That’s not cool. I’d rather have it be well known and open to everyone at his or her own discretion than to have it become a secret meeting that could possibly evolve into a bunch of Bible bangers plotting to do something against others in the name of God.

The most reasonable compromise that I could foresee would be to send a schedule of all upcoming graduation activities such as prom, the class picnic, graduation and the all night party as well as baccalaureate. Many of those activities are also not mandatory. At least the word would be out and people can make their choice as to whether or not they would like to attend. It would not give baccalaureate any additional weight or publicity, just merely inform parents that it had been scheduled.

I guess I really don't like to be left out of the loop when it comes to social gatherings. Who knew it was to the extent that I would side with a bunch of Bible carrying freaks.

I'm Talking Out My Ass Here. Please Take With A Grain Of Salt.

I’ve never watched a full episode of Lost. When it started, I was in grad school and communting to Philadelphia twice a week for work. I really didn't have time to get sucked into a series like that. I believe I may have seen part of an episode from the first season at my dad’s house but fell asleep at some point during it. And I’ve seen a few clips here and there. Tonight, not really caring, I watched the last five minutes of the series just so I would have some sort of frame of pop culture reference when talking to other people. You know, like when the Sopranos cut to black, the Seinfeld cast ended up in jail and Bob Newhart ended up sleeping next to Suzanne Pleshette.

I’m not exactly sorry that I didn’t watch the series. I mean, it’s apparently a story about a plane crash and, surprise, the characters are all dead at the end. Gee, I never would have spent seven years wondering if that could possibly happen. But knowing the end now, I can’t help but wonder about the philosophical side of the story.

Fans, humor an outsider here.

I’ve heard and read all sorts of questions regarding the intricate plots and subplots of the story. I’ve read theories and jokes about polar bears, smoke monsters and many mysteries over the years. I’ve heard people not expecting to have their questions to be answered in the last season.

I gather that much of it was a big metaphor for life and what happens when you die. For example, a character is swept away by a big bird in one of the episodes. How many times in life does this happen in a less figurative sense? Someone you know who is always around and a part of your life falls off the face of the earth and you no longer speak. You never know exactly what happened to them just that something happened and they are no longer around. Perhaps that's what that represented.

Perhaps there's an alternate world where our alter egos, dreams and fantasies carry out. Of course, this world exists merely in our own minds. And perhaps our souls, living or dead, meet there from time to time. Maybe sometimes we're all dreaming the same dream. And maybe there's a third world, a sideways world, where you are remembered by others, where they question what you might have done when facing their triumphs and tribulations. Maybe they see you in a different light than you would think they would see you. And maybe they fuck up your stories.

Maybe the Smoke Monster represented cancer or disease in general. I seem to recall fans being surprised that it could kill one of the characters so quickly and easily. That's what diseases do. They attack even the strongest and toughest among us without prejudice.

Another clip that I’ve seen involved the turbulence on the plane where Charlie from Party of Five is gripping his seat for dear life. The turbulence ends and the woman next to him tells him that he can now let go. Some theorize that this is the moment where his life ends and that is why she says it’s okay to let go. The adventure that ensues is perhaps his time in purgatory of some sort. Or maybe he isn’t really dead yet and that he’s going on a big adventure before his death with a bunch of other passengers before they die as well.

Or maybe you just see some really fucked up shit before your die. Who knows?

At the end (the part that I did see), the Party of Five appears to be at a funeral home/church. He is told that the time spent on the island and the people there were the most important parts of his life. Even as an outsider, this puts it all into perspective. We all go through life together, our adventures, our triumphs, our downfalls and our fears. At the end, we won’t know the logic behind every little detail. And it’s not important that we do. What’s important is the people who were with us along the way during our journey.

Or maybe, as I've always suspected, it's just a lame TV show and I'm up way too late theorizing about something I know absolutely nothing about.

But why the fuck wasn’t the dog in the church? I guess there’s a separate heaven for animals after all. Take that, Sylvia Brown.

Creep Of The Week: People Who Call You At The Wrong Phone Number And Then Get Pissed When They Can't Reach You

How to recognize them: They have about 20 entries on your missed call list. They’re pissed because they really need an answer to a pressing question like, “What day does the rotary club meet?” or “Where are you?” and you are nowhere to be found.

Frequently heard saying: “Hi. I’m calling your cell phone because I know you told me you were going to be at a different number but I forgot. I need you to call me back ASAP. I have an important question. What’s the URL for Google? I mean, there’s nowhere to really look that up.”

Why they bug: I fucking told you where to call me! Did it ever occur to you that I gave you a specific number to reach me because I’m going to be in a place where my cell phone doesn’t work? And your questions are dumb and not that pressing. You’re just being lazy by not taking the right number down. You have no right to bitch about not being able to reach me if you can’t follow the specific instructions that I left you. And while we’re at it, if I’m calling you from a different number and you see it on your caller ID, don’t call me back on my cell phone! If I wanted to talk to you from my cell phone, I would be calling from my cell phone. Chances are good the battery is dying or I don’t have good service.

Their retort: “Well, I left you a message.”

My response: Joke’s on you. I rarely check my messages. Try using bing.com next time you need an answer.

Things I Wish I Could Say On Facebook

Driving to the Jersey shore is not a road trip.

Okay. We get it. You’re in love. Stop being gross with the mushy stuff.

Oy with the fucking Farmville shit already!

Did we not attend the same classes in high school? Why does your grammar suck so badly?

I voted for Specter because I don’t think Sestak has a shot in hell in November. And Toomey scares the holy fuck out of me. You may as well give him the keys to the office now. Thanks.

I’m not going to pray that your child and dog do better with their potty training. I’m pretty sure Jesus has more pressing issues than where your child or puppy take a shit.

Sue Sylvester is not a real person.

You don’t have to piss on my birthday cake to put the candles out. (Actually, I might make this one my status one of these days.)

Your quotations are inspirational and all but given your profession, you should be giving us more original updates.

You’re a hypocritical douche.

You’re an arrogant hypocritical douche.

You were a douche in high school. I see nothing has changed.

Look, we know Sarah Palin is an idiot. Are there really people out there who take her seriously?

Holy crap, you got fat!

Your child does not need a six month birthday party.

One of my ex-boyfriends has very ugly children.

I think your next wardrobe should consist of wrinkle free fabrics. You seem to spend a lot of time ironing.

Yankees suck!

Pretending to be a nice guy might get you laid but she’ll figure it out eventually.

Pretending to be a Republican might get you laid but it also makes you look like a douche.

Jesus Christ! Will you find a new job already? I’m sick of seeing you bitch everyday.

I might offend you when I bash your religion but you offend me when you bash gay people. So fuck you.

Bon Jovi and his goofy grin are partly responsible for the decline of heavy metal music. Rock stars should be angrier, fucking everything with a hole and a heartbeat and not married to their high school sweethearts.

Going to church and posting little “God bless you,” quotations does not make up for fucking another woman’s husband, you whore.

Come to think of it, it’s always the bible bangers that do the most fucked up shit.

Those pictures of yourself all look the same. Maybe you should just pick one.