Creep of the week: People who follow too closely

How to recognize them: When driving, look behind you. They are sitting in your trunk. Okay, not really but they are really close. If driving at night, they are likely shining their headlights right in your rear view mirror and blinding you.

Frequently heard saying: “Move your fuckin’ car!” Beeeeeeep!

Why they bug: You fear that, sooner or later, you are going to have to stop suddenly and they are going to ram you. They are likely not paying close attention. They are being reckless. The last thing you need is an accident due to this, especially if you are already running late or you have your children in the car. Back off, asshole!

Their retort: “I said, ‘Move your fuckin’ car! I’m in a hurry.’”

My response: “Me too! I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, though.” “If you can read my license plate, you are too close.” “Since you’re not responding to my hand gesture, I’m going to throw my four way lights on so it looks like I’m breaking but really I’m not. While doing that, I’m going to hit the gas and speed up while you break to keep from hitting me.” “Oh and fuck you!”