Five alternative suggestions for when you need a boost.

Winter has reared its ugly head again. Now that the holidays are long over, even the people who love snow are getting a little bit sick of it. It’s cold. It’s difficult to drive in. Before you know it, we’re all suffering from cabin fever and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Indeed, it is sad. If you find yourself in this sort of funk, many people will offer you the typical advice, acting as that little angel on the shoulder of a cartoon character who has found himself with a dilemma. Here to offer the opposing angle, as the guy in red is yours truly.

Instead of working out, have a meal with a fat man. Fat men always know the best restaurants. They will find you the best comfort food and keep you away from places with food that is poorly prepared and small in portion. They’re also likely to listen to you because fat men are often times overlooked or made fun of by their peers. They’re happy to be noticed. They need attention too! If you’re lucky, he will also be sloppy and fumbling over himself. You’ll feel thin, graceful and attractive by comparison. What a boost!

Instead of organizing your kitchen cabinets or linen closet, buy something new. Get some new clothes, a new kitchen appliance or a new electrical device. Sure, you might not have anywhere to put it. But that’s okay. You will just have to keep it out to continue to admire it. Nothing will distract you more from the winter blahs than a shiny new toy. Luxuriate in your new plushy bathrobe while you drink hot chocolate and watch Lifetime movies. Make cookies with your new mixer. Surf for porn or read this blog with your new laptop. Before you know it, the time will pass and spring will be here.

Instead of going out dancing with your girl friends, hang out with your gays. I never feel better about myself when I go out with my girlfriends because I think they’re all prettier than me. Plus, I’m the frumpy old married lady who has to sit back and watch all the cute boys talk to them. My husband will not let me date. Hanging out with gay men is much more empowering. My gays will also give me a lift by reminding me of my strengths. They’re there to give me the pep talk that I need to come back out swinging. Some of them are also catty bitches that aren’t above blowing out someone’s flame to make ours glow brighter. In that sense, a gay man is a perfect companion for people watching. They’re so observant of the details.

Instead of spending time being one with nature, eat a dead cow. It’s too blessed cold outside to hang with nature. I don’t see anything pretty about ice. It’s dangerous and it could kill you if you slip on it and hit your head. Why not just stay indoors where it’s warm and eat something hot? Doesn’t a big steak sound good? Or maybe some candy in a heart shaped box, even if you have to buy it yourself? Go outside when it gets warmer. If you really want to be one with nature, try hibernating.

Instead of volunteering, do something bad and destructive. Tell that annoying, arrogant prick on Facebook to go fuck himself. Unless doing so is somehow linked to you receiving money or sex, why should you care if you offend him? He offends you. Watch videos on YouTube of people falling. Laugh hysterically. Scream really loud. Break something (although, nothing you will regret breaking later – put grandma’s heirloom china down, Godzilla) or at least bang it really loud. A little graffiti, if done tastefully, won’t hurt anyone. In fact, reading graffiti has often made my day. You’ll be spreading cheer to others. As long as it will not get you in trouble, or at the very least you will not get caught, it can be quite liberating.