Creep of The Week: The Five Minute Maniac

How to recognize them: Likely to be your boss, your boss’s boss, your boss’s boss’s boss or some other corporate big wig that is seldom seen, they often send “inspirational” emails talking about the latest business self help book that they’ve read or a modern day parable about a mentally or physically challenged kid who participated in a triathlon. These emails often end with what they believe to be an inspiring phrase like, “May the force be with you.” The emails also contain a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. Their offices have framed wall hangings from the Image Masters Inspirational Collection. Their bookshelves are lined with titles like “Who Moved My Cheese?” and “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Their personal lives tend to be the topic of gossip, as they are often in shambles due to divorce or marriages of appearance.

Frequently heard saying: “As Stephen Covey would say…” “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it” or some other such Dr. Phil like cliché.

Why they bug: FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! They want to lead and inspire yet, unless they are a Disney executive or have appeared on an episode of Undercover Boss, they have no concept of what their employees actually go through on a daily basis. They often do not have a formal education and can be easily intimidated by the people working for them that have obtained degrees. And they should be intimidated. We’re all laughing about the verbiage of your poorly written emails behind your back. Try typing it in Word first. It will show you the mistakes. Perhaps if you had a degree you’d know that. They likely lack that education because they have a difficulty comprehending what they read, which is why the business book genre is so appealing to them. They are fooled into thinking that this is a substitute for a real education by the authors of these books. Plus, there's no plot to follow. If you need some sort of inspirational picture with a line about “Challenges” and “Success” to motivate you, you should probably question why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. I’d also be inclined to guess that your wife left you because you were always at the office or away on business where you are surrounded by ass kissing sycophants. She probably saw through your bullshit and was not about to play your game. Then she got bored and fucked the gardener. For those that are married, you're not fooling anyone. We know you’re really gay and your spouse is a beard. Nothing is faker than that. Or your husband also has a high profile job with the company and you want to be seen so that you have greater opportunity to kiss the asses of other Five Minute Maniacs. The only thing you have in common with Obi Wan Kenobi is the facial hair, lady.

Their retort: “You’re fired!”

My response: “Can I borrow your copy of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?'”