Paul McCartney once sang, “You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. But I look around me and I see it isn’t so.” Who am I to argue with a Beatle? There are definitely a lot of silly love songs out there that people inexplicably love. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I’d imagine there are people making mix CDs for their lovers or putting together play lists for a romantic evening. Here is a list of songs you should avoid.
1. My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic) – Celine Dion
Annoying lyrics: “Once more you open the door and you're here in my heart and my heart will go on and on.”
The lyrics to this song were inspired by the movie. She’s singing about moving on after her lovah suddenly becomes fish food because someone didn’t have the sense to make a left turn. So what you’re basically telling your loved one by playing this song is that after they die, you’ll be perfectly fine getting over it and finding someone else. Yeah, yeah, I love you and all, but once you’re gone I’ll keep on moving, probably finding someone younger, hotter and less sickly. The lyric above reminds me of a different movie – Poltergeist. All I can ever envision is a door opening with bright light coming from the other side. Go into the light, Celine. Please, go into the light.
Also, if I were Grover, I’d be pissed and suing for copyright infringement.
2. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You ~ Bryan Adams
Annoying lyrics: There's nowhere unless you're there, all the time, all the way.
Geez! Clingy much? More proof that people will eat any single released from a big movie soundtrack with the spoon straw from the Icee they had at the theater. When I was in tenth grade, I wrote an essay about why this song was so popular. I don’t know how I did it because the song’s popularity still baffles me. I got a really great grade on the paper, despite the song being my teacher’s wedding song. Oopsy. David Duke used this as his campaign song when he ran for Louisiana governor. Further proof that it’s creepy and overdone.
3. More Than Words ~ Extreme
Annoying lyrics: All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands
You know this song is about a hand job, right? He’s basically saying, “Bitch, I don’t want to hear you say that you love me. Just do me.” He’s asking nicely but I get the feeling that the follow up song would somehow imply that if she doesn’t shut up with the “I love you’s” he’s going to put something in her mouth to make her shut up. This isn’t even a thinly veiled request. It’s outright piggish. Ladies, you don't have to help a guy put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college. And men, you’ll never get laid with this line of thinking. At least schmooze your way into her pants. Or give her some scotch.
4. Just The Way You Are ~ Billy Joel
Annoying lyrics: I would not leave you in times of trouble. We never could have come this far.
This would be much more believable if Billy Joel hadn’t sung it three wives before, each one younger and hotter than the last. We’re not buying it, pal. And ladies, don’t let yourselves go if your husband is a superficial alcoholic prick. He really will try to replace you with a supermodel. Then again, you might be better off.
5. Always On My Mind ~ Willie Nelson
Annoying lyrics: If I made you feel second best, girl, I'm sorry I was blind. You were always on my mind. You were always on my mind.
Dude, you blew it. It’s too little too late. She’s moving on because you were too busy sitting around with your buddies smoking pot on the couch and watching Animal House. And now you’re sitting around missing her because you want someone to bring you beer and pizza to soothe your munchies. Writing a pretty song that people play at weddings ain’t gonna cut it. She’s not as dumb as you are to fall for it.
6. Wonderful Tonight ~ Eric Clapton
Annoying lyrics: And then she asks me, “Do I look alright?” And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight.”
Eric Clapton might be the biggest pussy in rock and roll history. I almost put “Bell Bottom Blues” on this list because of the lyrics “Do you want to seem me crawl across the floor to you? Do you want to see me beg you to take me back? Well, I’d gladly do it.” Gladly? You’d gladly look like a pathetic idiot? She made you cry! Is her hoo ha lined with mink or something? I left that song off the list because I actually like it, though. “Wonderful Tonight” sucks because you know this high maintenance bitch is taking way too much time getting ready. They’re probably really late. And yet, he takes the time to watch her and look her over. In real life, in the non-whipped man world, the guy would be like, “Yeah, yeah, you’re fine. Come on! Let’s go already. The car’s running!” Dude, you’re Eric Fucking Clapton. You’re on T-Mobile commercials! And people say you’re a good guitarist. You don’t need to put up with these chicks and their head games. And you’re only encouraging her high maintenance behavior.
7. Beth ~ Kiss
Annoying lyrics: I'm always somewhere else and you're always there alone
You know this song is bad because I like Kiss. And it made the list before “I Still Love You” and “Forever,” which are horrible, horrible songs. This song started out as a goof when Peter Criss was in a band called Chelsea with a guy named Mike Brand. Mike’s wife, Becky, would call constantly during band practices to see when he was coming home and was a general hen pecking pain in the ass. So Peter and another band mate, Stan Penridge, wrote the song as a goof and called it “Beck.” Years later, Gene Simmons and Bob Ezrin got their money grubbing hands on it, pussified it and changed the title. But basically, what this song says is that your lady is a nagging pain in the ass. Just what every woman wants to be.
8. Back for Good ~ Take That
Annoying lyrics: Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it. I just want you back for good.
This guy isn’t even trying. He has no clue what he did wrong. There is nothing sincere about his mea culpa. There is no chance at all that he will correct his mistake. He’s also likely to repeat it. To top it all off, he’s being selfish and only worrying about what HE wants. Fuck off, buddy. A little sincerity would go much further.
9. The Rose ~ Bette Midler
Annoying lyrics: All of them
In every high school in every small town, there is an awkward teenage girl singing this song for the spring choral concert. Do you really want to remind your beloved of her awkward teenage years?
10. I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
Annoying lyrics: I could stay awake just to hear you breathin’, watch you smile while you are sleeping while you're far away and dreaming.
People don’t usually smile in their sleep. They drool and snore. This is just another overrated hit from another epic movie. It conjures visions of passionate love through a scene that is bound to give you all sorts of warm fuzzies. Of course I am referring to the movie The Sweetest Thing. The scene is the one where Selma Blair gets her braces stuck while giving oral pleasure. The rest of the cast saves the day by singing this song to make the guy’s penis go soft. Do you really want to romance your sweetie with a song that should be sung by Flacido Domingo? Why don’t you serve her boneless pork while you’re at it
And lest you think I'm a music snob or a heartless, cynical bitch (okay, you got me on that one), you can read a list of my favorite love songs in this classic blog from 2006 by clicking here.
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Tastey had someone sing More Than Words at his wedding. In the church. Gross and grossly inappropriate. I had thought it was about a blow job. I guess I didn't listen closely enough. Clapton is waiting for his lady because she is the designated driver. He gets absolutely hammered at the party and she has to put his drunken ass to bed. Maybe she's stalling because she knows what the evening holds. omugo ;)
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