Q: My husband and I are in the process of adopting a five year old girl from Russia. If we are chosen to be the adoptive parents for this little girl, she already has a name. Our original plan was to name a daughter Elise, but then we decided to move into adoption of an older child. They have told us that because of the huge difference in Russian and English, she would not know if we called her the original name or not because it would not sound the same. Her current first name is Helena and we were thinking Elise Helena flows nicely. Of course I am jumping the gun as we don't find out if we get to sponsor her for three more weeks. What do you think of this? Also, she would be with us for the summer before the adoption so would we call her Helena this summer and Elise in the fall if the adoption goes through? Side note, we have a cat named Helen so that could be a little confusing too.
A: Are you serious? This child is leaving her country and everything she knows to be a part of your family. The only thing in the world that she has is her name and you want to take it away from her? Changing her name would be a horrible idea. I would love to know what brain trust told you that the name Helena would sound different in English. Sure, the dialect might differ but it’s not like you’re mixing V’s and W’s here. Plus, she’s five YEARS old not five MONTHS old. Of course she is going to know. She’ll probably be bitter about it later, too, when she realizes what a selfish decision you’ve made. And what difference does the cat’s name make? The cat is probably going to die in the next few years anyway. This little girl will always be your child. Perhaps you can make Elise the middle name if you’re that attached to it.
Q: I am working on a fundraiser for a friend who is suffering from breast cancer. There are four of us working together for this event. One of the members of the planning group is a friend of the woman that broke up my 7-year relationship with my ex-fiancé, 15 years ago. The planning committee member, who has no knowledge of the affair, has asked this woman to help with the event and she has agreed. I am very thankful for her help. We can use all the hands we can get, but I do not want to have to work with her. I know that it will come out at some point and I just don't want the confrontation. I really want the event to be all about helping my friend and her family. I don't want my 15-year-old bitterness to cloud our vision. How do I get over it? Do I not get over it and just put my anger and bitterness aside for the next few weeks? How do I do that? Although I have been happily married for the last five years to a wonderful man, this is really bothering me. I woke up in the middle of the night several times over the past 2 weeks worrying about it.
A: I know it is easier said than done, but you need to move on and focus on the event. What has happened in the past is over. You are no longer in that relationship and she can no longer hurt you. Honestly, it was your fiancé that betrayed you. More blame belongs with him. While I would never expect you to be friends with her, you have to maintain a professional relationship with her. I would advise against confronting her or telling her who you are. She may figure it out (or already know) or she may not. This situation has nothing to do with your friend. Keep the event your priority. Be civil. And if all else fails, vent or mock with your girlfriends about her later when it’s over.
Feel free to ask your questions anonymously at http://www.formspring.me/stasismom
Showing posts with label Free Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Free Advice. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sweet dreams, baby!
In the past few weeks, I have heard a lot of moms complaining that their babies are not sleeping. There are experts out there making mints off various methods. Since I have managed to raise a good sleeper (*knock on wood*), I am going to share what I have learned with you.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Five alternative suggestions for when you need a boost.
Winter has reared its ugly head again. Now that the holidays are long over, even the people who love snow are getting a little bit sick of it. It’s cold. It’s difficult to drive in. Before you know it, we’re all suffering from cabin fever and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Indeed, it is sad. If you find yourself in this sort of funk, many people will offer you the typical advice, acting as that little angel on the shoulder of a cartoon character who has found himself with a dilemma. Here to offer the opposing angle, as the guy in red is yours truly.
Instead of working out, have a meal with a fat man. Fat men always know the best restaurants. They will find you the best comfort food and keep you away from places with food that is poorly prepared and small in portion. They’re also likely to listen to you because fat men are often times overlooked or made fun of by their peers. They’re happy to be noticed. They need attention too! If you’re lucky, he will also be sloppy and fumbling over himself. You’ll feel thin, graceful and attractive by comparison. What a boost!
Instead of organizing your kitchen cabinets or linen closet, buy something new. Get some new clothes, a new kitchen appliance or a new electrical device. Sure, you might not have anywhere to put it. But that’s okay. You will just have to keep it out to continue to admire it. Nothing will distract you more from the winter blahs than a shiny new toy. Luxuriate in your new plushy bathrobe while you drink hot chocolate and watch Lifetime movies. Make cookies with your new mixer. Surf for porn or read this blog with your new laptop. Before you know it, the time will pass and spring will be here.
Instead of going out dancing with your girl friends, hang out with your gays. I never feel better about myself when I go out with my girlfriends because I think they’re all prettier than me. Plus, I’m the frumpy old married lady who has to sit back and watch all the cute boys talk to them. My husband will not let me date. Hanging out with gay men is much more empowering. My gays will also give me a lift by reminding me of my strengths. They’re there to give me the pep talk that I need to come back out swinging. Some of them are also catty bitches that aren’t above blowing out someone’s flame to make ours glow brighter. In that sense, a gay man is a perfect companion for people watching. They’re so observant of the details.
Instead of spending time being one with nature, eat a dead cow. It’s too blessed cold outside to hang with nature. I don’t see anything pretty about ice. It’s dangerous and it could kill you if you slip on it and hit your head. Why not just stay indoors where it’s warm and eat something hot? Doesn’t a big steak sound good? Or maybe some candy in a heart shaped box, even if you have to buy it yourself? Go outside when it gets warmer. If you really want to be one with nature, try hibernating.
Instead of volunteering, do something bad and destructive. Tell that annoying, arrogant prick on Facebook to go fuck himself. Unless doing so is somehow linked to you receiving money or sex, why should you care if you offend him? He offends you. Watch videos on YouTube of people falling. Laugh hysterically. Scream really loud. Break something (although, nothing you will regret breaking later – put grandma’s heirloom china down, Godzilla) or at least bang it really loud. A little graffiti, if done tastefully, won’t hurt anyone. In fact, reading graffiti has often made my day. You’ll be spreading cheer to others. As long as it will not get you in trouble, or at the very least you will not get caught, it can be quite liberating.
Instead of working out, have a meal with a fat man. Fat men always know the best restaurants. They will find you the best comfort food and keep you away from places with food that is poorly prepared and small in portion. They’re also likely to listen to you because fat men are often times overlooked or made fun of by their peers. They’re happy to be noticed. They need attention too! If you’re lucky, he will also be sloppy and fumbling over himself. You’ll feel thin, graceful and attractive by comparison. What a boost!
Instead of organizing your kitchen cabinets or linen closet, buy something new. Get some new clothes, a new kitchen appliance or a new electrical device. Sure, you might not have anywhere to put it. But that’s okay. You will just have to keep it out to continue to admire it. Nothing will distract you more from the winter blahs than a shiny new toy. Luxuriate in your new plushy bathrobe while you drink hot chocolate and watch Lifetime movies. Make cookies with your new mixer. Surf for porn or read this blog with your new laptop. Before you know it, the time will pass and spring will be here.
Instead of going out dancing with your girl friends, hang out with your gays. I never feel better about myself when I go out with my girlfriends because I think they’re all prettier than me. Plus, I’m the frumpy old married lady who has to sit back and watch all the cute boys talk to them. My husband will not let me date. Hanging out with gay men is much more empowering. My gays will also give me a lift by reminding me of my strengths. They’re there to give me the pep talk that I need to come back out swinging. Some of them are also catty bitches that aren’t above blowing out someone’s flame to make ours glow brighter. In that sense, a gay man is a perfect companion for people watching. They’re so observant of the details.
Instead of spending time being one with nature, eat a dead cow. It’s too blessed cold outside to hang with nature. I don’t see anything pretty about ice. It’s dangerous and it could kill you if you slip on it and hit your head. Why not just stay indoors where it’s warm and eat something hot? Doesn’t a big steak sound good? Or maybe some candy in a heart shaped box, even if you have to buy it yourself? Go outside when it gets warmer. If you really want to be one with nature, try hibernating.
Instead of volunteering, do something bad and destructive. Tell that annoying, arrogant prick on Facebook to go fuck himself. Unless doing so is somehow linked to you receiving money or sex, why should you care if you offend him? He offends you. Watch videos on YouTube of people falling. Laugh hysterically. Scream really loud. Break something (although, nothing you will regret breaking later – put grandma’s heirloom china down, Godzilla) or at least bang it really loud. A little graffiti, if done tastefully, won’t hurt anyone. In fact, reading graffiti has often made my day. You’ll be spreading cheer to others. As long as it will not get you in trouble, or at the very least you will not get caught, it can be quite liberating.
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