Dear Stasi's Mom

Q: My husband and I are in the process of adopting a five year old girl from Russia. If we are chosen to be the adoptive parents for this little girl, she already has a name. Our original plan was to name a daughter Elise, but then we decided to move into adoption of an older child. They have told us that because of the huge difference in Russian and English, she would not know if we called her the original name or not because it would not sound the same. Her current first name is Helena and we were thinking Elise Helena flows nicely. Of course I am jumping the gun as we don't find out if we get to sponsor her for three more weeks. What do you think of this? Also, she would be with us for the summer before the adoption so would we call her Helena this summer and Elise in the fall if the adoption goes through? Side note, we have a cat named Helen so that could be a little confusing too.

A: Are you serious? This child is leaving her country and everything she knows to be a part of your family. The only thing in the world that she has is her name and you want to take it away from her? Changing her name would be a horrible idea. I would love to know what brain trust told you that the name Helena would sound different in English. Sure, the dialect might differ but it’s not like you’re mixing V’s and W’s here. Plus, she’s five YEARS old not five MONTHS old. Of course she is going to know. She’ll probably be bitter about it later, too, when she realizes what a selfish decision you’ve made. And what difference does the cat’s name make? The cat is probably going to die in the next few years anyway. This little girl will always be your child. Perhaps you can make Elise the middle name if you’re that attached to it.


Q: I am working on a fundraiser for a friend who is suffering from breast cancer. There are four of us working together for this event. One of the members of the planning group is a friend of the woman that broke up my 7-year relationship with my ex-fiancé, 15 years ago. The planning committee member, who has no knowledge of the affair, has asked this woman to help with the event and she has agreed. I am very thankful for her help. We can use all the hands we can get, but I do not want to have to work with her. I know that it will come out at some point and I just don't want the confrontation. I really want the event to be all about helping my friend and her family. I don't want my 15-year-old bitterness to cloud our vision. How do I get over it? Do I not get over it and just put my anger and bitterness aside for the next few weeks? How do I do that? Although I have been happily married for the last five years to a wonderful man, this is really bothering me. I woke up in the middle of the night several times over the past 2 weeks worrying about it.

A: I know it is easier said than done, but you need to move on and focus on the event. What has happened in the past is over. You are no longer in that relationship and she can no longer hurt you. Honestly, it was your fiancé that betrayed you. More blame belongs with him. While I would never expect you to be friends with her, you have to maintain a professional relationship with her. I would advise against confronting her or telling her who you are. She may figure it out (or already know) or she may not. This situation has nothing to do with your friend. Keep the event your priority. Be civil. And if all else fails, vent or mock with your girlfriends about her later when it’s over.

Feel free to ask your questions anonymously at http://www.formspring.me/stasismom