How to recognize them: If you’re pregnant, they’re watching you, staring at your every move. And they never know when to shut the fuck up.
Frequently heard saying: “You should drink eight ounces of water every hour.” “You’re not going to drink a Diet Coke, are you? There’s caffeine and artificial sweeteners in there!” “Don’t put that hot dog in your mouth!” “Slow down! Walking too fast is going to get your heart rate and blood pressure up!” “That’s too heavy! You can’t lift it!”
Why they bug: They’re not doctors. Their advice is not based on any medical authority whatsoever. And how I treat my body and my pet fetus is none of their business. Eight ounces of water every hour amounts to 192 ounces of water a day. I would pee every three minutes. Artificial sweeteners and caffeine are fine in small amounts. Hot dogs are okay as long as they’ve been cooked well. Getting your heart rate up is perfectly fine as long as your temperature is not also going up. In fact, exercise is good for you and will actually keep your blood pressure down. It’s okay to lift 50 pounds up to 20 weeks and roughly 20 or so pounds after 20 weeks. You won’t miscarry. Lifting heavy things is more of a concern for a pregnant woman’s back and balance than it is for causing early labor. But, if you want to carry this for me, maybe I shouldn’t stop you. I’m tired from walking too fast...to get away from you.
Their retort: “You think you have all the answers, don’t you? Just wait until you go into labor early!”
My response: Yeah, I do. Do you want to know why? I asked my doctor. She graduated in the top 10% of her class at med school. Did you? She isn’t concerned about any of these things. I can’t imagine why you would be.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I’m So Glad I Never Married Him Like I Wanted To When I Was 12
I can’t say I’m all that surprised, but I gasped when I saw someone post about Corey Haim’s death on Facebook this morning. I can’t help but think back to my bedroom walls circa 1988. They were wallpapered with pictures of the two Coreys and Johnny Depp during his 21 Jump Street days. It’s amazing how different their careers ended up being.
How did we not realize how fucked up he was back then? I remember when he was on the Arsenio Hall Show talking about buying crack on the street after an early rehab stint. He was still a mess. I remember looking back at a picture of him from some teeny bopper magazine like Bop or Tiger Beat where his eyes were completely bloodshot and glazed over. What a waste.
I also recall the tragedy to little girls everywhere when the Coreys announced they would be going their separate ways and not doing movies anymore. Corey Feldman was quoted as saying something along the lines of “We don’t want to be known as the Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra of our generation.” Um, that’s one goal they accomplished, I guess. This idea was short lived as they later did several more epic pictures like Dream A Little Dream 2. Most of these movies went straight to video.
A few years ago, E! did a True Hollywood Story that showed Corey Haim in such a dismal state. They showed a clip of him babbling incoherently about his first television commercial. It was disturbing how messed up he was. Later, a man on the street interview discussed how Corey Haim was panhandling for spare change to buy a slice of pizza. And we all know that pizza is the caviar of crack smokers everywhere.
The TV show that they partnered for on A&E was fairly disturbing to watch. The first season was very lighthearted. The second season was dark. Sometimes it was difficult to watch as it was clear just how unraveled these once shining stars had become. One episode showed Haim buying a wedding gift for Feldman, several years after he had been married. Another episode featured him taking out a full page trade paper ad apologizing to just about everyone in Hollywood. You could just tell he was never going to get better. Dr. Drew, why didn’t you drag him onto your hack show?
But the worst part of this tragedy is that I can’t get “Whenever There’s A Night You Need Love,” a song on the Dream A Little Dream Soundtrack by Mike Reno of Loverboy fame out of my head. Am I the only person who knows this song?
How did we not realize how fucked up he was back then? I remember when he was on the Arsenio Hall Show talking about buying crack on the street after an early rehab stint. He was still a mess. I remember looking back at a picture of him from some teeny bopper magazine like Bop or Tiger Beat where his eyes were completely bloodshot and glazed over. What a waste.
I also recall the tragedy to little girls everywhere when the Coreys announced they would be going their separate ways and not doing movies anymore. Corey Feldman was quoted as saying something along the lines of “We don’t want to be known as the Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra of our generation.” Um, that’s one goal they accomplished, I guess. This idea was short lived as they later did several more epic pictures like Dream A Little Dream 2. Most of these movies went straight to video.
A few years ago, E! did a True Hollywood Story that showed Corey Haim in such a dismal state. They showed a clip of him babbling incoherently about his first television commercial. It was disturbing how messed up he was. Later, a man on the street interview discussed how Corey Haim was panhandling for spare change to buy a slice of pizza. And we all know that pizza is the caviar of crack smokers everywhere.
The TV show that they partnered for on A&E was fairly disturbing to watch. The first season was very lighthearted. The second season was dark. Sometimes it was difficult to watch as it was clear just how unraveled these once shining stars had become. One episode showed Haim buying a wedding gift for Feldman, several years after he had been married. Another episode featured him taking out a full page trade paper ad apologizing to just about everyone in Hollywood. You could just tell he was never going to get better. Dr. Drew, why didn’t you drag him onto your hack show?
But the worst part of this tragedy is that I can’t get “Whenever There’s A Night You Need Love,” a song on the Dream A Little Dream Soundtrack by Mike Reno of Loverboy fame out of my head. Am I the only person who knows this song?
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Sunshine Bores The Daylights Out of Me
It’s such a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining. Although the air is somewhat crisp, no more than a light jacket is required for comfort. After a harsh winter, a day like this should be welcomed, right?
Wrong.
All I want to do is take a nap today. I got up early to clean the house. Spent the morning keeping the baby out of trouble and working on her physical therapy. She is now exhausted and napping contently in her crib. And I’m beat. I want a nap, too.
I know I should be out taking advantage of this gorgeous weather. I feel this horrible internal pressure telling me to not put on my jammies and get under the covers. I should take her to the park when she wakes up. Or, at the very least, I should go shopping or something. I hear a million people telling me that I should get out of the house.
Beautiful days and the pressure they bring are evil. People always say things that make me feel like I need to get some sun. Phooey. I hate that pressure. The sun makes my eyes teary. And it’s not that warm outside. I like being a pale recluse with insomnia. I am the thing that goes bump in the night. But I know it’s not good for my kid to not get fresh air. So I will suck it up and go to a park or to a store. I will take her out in public and pray that she does not have a diva like meltdown.
Tomorrow. It’s still going to be nice out, right?
Wrong.
All I want to do is take a nap today. I got up early to clean the house. Spent the morning keeping the baby out of trouble and working on her physical therapy. She is now exhausted and napping contently in her crib. And I’m beat. I want a nap, too.
I know I should be out taking advantage of this gorgeous weather. I feel this horrible internal pressure telling me to not put on my jammies and get under the covers. I should take her to the park when she wakes up. Or, at the very least, I should go shopping or something. I hear a million people telling me that I should get out of the house.
Beautiful days and the pressure they bring are evil. People always say things that make me feel like I need to get some sun. Phooey. I hate that pressure. The sun makes my eyes teary. And it’s not that warm outside. I like being a pale recluse with insomnia. I am the thing that goes bump in the night. But I know it’s not good for my kid to not get fresh air. So I will suck it up and go to a park or to a store. I will take her out in public and pray that she does not have a diva like meltdown.
Tomorrow. It’s still going to be nice out, right?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Creep of The Week: People who don't watch television
How to recognize them: Usually carrying a canvas tote bag with a public radio station’s logo, they have a poor fashion sense from never seeing an episode of “What Not To Wear.” They are easily confused by common pop culture references and then act snooty and indignant to cover up their feelings of being left out from not knowing what a Gleek is.
Frequently heard saying: “I was listening to ‘All Things Considered’ on NPR the other day…” “I don’t understand reality television.” “Patrick Swayze died? When did that happen?” “There was an earthquake in Chille?!?!”
Why they bug: They put on airs of superiority yet they tend to be uninformed. Some of history’s most iconic moments happened while the world watched on television - the Kennedy assassinations, Space Shuttle Challenger’s demise, the 9/11 attacks. Television is not all fluff. Sure, there’s a lot of crap out there but there are also documentaries, news channels and informational programming as well. And even if all someone watches is garbage, there’s a certain commonality and hipness that comes along with knowing who got kicked off Survivor or AI (that’s American Idol to you, Mr. Snooty “I don’t watch TV” Snob) the previous night. It’s something that makes you relatable and sociable with others.
Their retort: “I’d much rather expand my mind by reading a book.” “I don’t really care who The Bachelor chose.” “You should go outside.” “You watch too much TV.”
My response: I read books, too. I just don’t feel the need to brag about it. That’s okay. I even draw the line at The Bachelor. The sun sucks! It causes cancer. And the bugs always eat me alive. I know you’re secretly getting TV shows by the season from Netflix.
Frequently heard saying: “I was listening to ‘All Things Considered’ on NPR the other day…” “I don’t understand reality television.” “Patrick Swayze died? When did that happen?” “There was an earthquake in Chille?!?!”
Why they bug: They put on airs of superiority yet they tend to be uninformed. Some of history’s most iconic moments happened while the world watched on television - the Kennedy assassinations, Space Shuttle Challenger’s demise, the 9/11 attacks. Television is not all fluff. Sure, there’s a lot of crap out there but there are also documentaries, news channels and informational programming as well. And even if all someone watches is garbage, there’s a certain commonality and hipness that comes along with knowing who got kicked off Survivor or AI (that’s American Idol to you, Mr. Snooty “I don’t watch TV” Snob) the previous night. It’s something that makes you relatable and sociable with others.
Their retort: “I’d much rather expand my mind by reading a book.” “I don’t really care who The Bachelor chose.” “You should go outside.” “You watch too much TV.”
My response: I read books, too. I just don’t feel the need to brag about it. That’s okay. I even draw the line at The Bachelor. The sun sucks! It causes cancer. And the bugs always eat me alive. I know you’re secretly getting TV shows by the season from Netflix.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Worst Business Idea Since Freedom Fries
I frequently pass a local mom and pop car dealership in my regular travels. The owner of the dealership has a board marquis sign where he usually displays conservative political messages such as “Impeach Obama” and “Free Nobel Prize with ever car.”
Several weeks ago, the sign displayed a message that read something along the lines of “My sign is an expression of our freedom of speech. God bless America!”
While it is true that the proprietor of this business has every right to his freedom of expression, I think it is a bad idea to display political messages in front of your business. He is alienating potential customers that might not agree with him. Certainly, if he can express his views by putting them on his sign, I can express my disagreement by not supporting his business. Freedom of expression works both ways.
Isn’t this obvious? What is this man thinking? Is it that all liberals are welfare recipients who can’t afford his cars? Is it that we’re too stupid to read his sign? Does he just not care that he’s losing business from people like me, people with disposable income to spend? I don’t get it.
In recent weeks, it seems that the messages have toned down, speaking more about the recent snowstorms. I doubt this guy is savvy enough to make this a permanent change. I wish him all the luck in this economy. I would think he would need all the sales he could get in his business.
Several weeks ago, the sign displayed a message that read something along the lines of “My sign is an expression of our freedom of speech. God bless America!”
While it is true that the proprietor of this business has every right to his freedom of expression, I think it is a bad idea to display political messages in front of your business. He is alienating potential customers that might not agree with him. Certainly, if he can express his views by putting them on his sign, I can express my disagreement by not supporting his business. Freedom of expression works both ways.
Isn’t this obvious? What is this man thinking? Is it that all liberals are welfare recipients who can’t afford his cars? Is it that we’re too stupid to read his sign? Does he just not care that he’s losing business from people like me, people with disposable income to spend? I don’t get it.
In recent weeks, it seems that the messages have toned down, speaking more about the recent snowstorms. I doubt this guy is savvy enough to make this a permanent change. I wish him all the luck in this economy. I would think he would need all the sales he could get in his business.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sorry, Canada
President Obama recently made a bet with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper over the final outcome of the 2010 gold medal hockey game that pitted the US against Canada. Both leaders wagered a case of beer from their respective country’s oldest breweries. Unfortunately, the US lost 3-2 in overtime, leaving it up to the President to send a case of beer from the Yuengling Brewery of Pottsville, Pennsylvania. Having grown up in Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania, only a short drive from the brewery, I can’t help but feel a little pride that we will be sending a case of Yuengling to our neighbor to the north
I wonder which brew will be chosen. Certainly, Yuengling Lager is the most popular variety. People in eastern Pennsylvania rarely even ask for it by brand name, merely referring to it as “a lager.” I grew up on Yuengling Premium, however, and find a lot of old school skooks tend to prefer it to the trendy lager. The Black and Tan is probably the best kind of beer the brand has to offer. Lord Chesterfield Ale and their Porter are also not bad, but not consumed as often.
Of course there are people out there who will whine about this being done at the tax payers' expense. To them I say that a case of Yuengling is roughly $18. I'm estimating that it would probably cost roughly $50-$75 to ship. Now divide that total by the approximate 150,000,000 taxpayers in this country. We're looking at each of us paying roughly .000062 of a cent each. I think we can swing it in the name of good cheer for the Canadians, especially when you consider how much entertainment they provide us with their funny accents and hats.
In addition to my Schuylkill County pride in the moment, I also feel a slight twinge of shame since I know this beer is nowhere near as good as the Molson that was promised to us.
Cheers to you, Canada! Congratulations on your win.
I wonder which brew will be chosen. Certainly, Yuengling Lager is the most popular variety. People in eastern Pennsylvania rarely even ask for it by brand name, merely referring to it as “a lager.” I grew up on Yuengling Premium, however, and find a lot of old school skooks tend to prefer it to the trendy lager. The Black and Tan is probably the best kind of beer the brand has to offer. Lord Chesterfield Ale and their Porter are also not bad, but not consumed as often.
Of course there are people out there who will whine about this being done at the tax payers' expense. To them I say that a case of Yuengling is roughly $18. I'm estimating that it would probably cost roughly $50-$75 to ship. Now divide that total by the approximate 150,000,000 taxpayers in this country. We're looking at each of us paying roughly .000062 of a cent each. I think we can swing it in the name of good cheer for the Canadians, especially when you consider how much entertainment they provide us with their funny accents and hats.
In addition to my Schuylkill County pride in the moment, I also feel a slight twinge of shame since I know this beer is nowhere near as good as the Molson that was promised to us.
Cheers to you, Canada! Congratulations on your win.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Creep of The Week: Women who think they deserve medals for experiencing natural child birth
How to recognize them: Female with child(ren), she often likes to put herself in ridiculous situations and play the victim card. Then she expects the rest of us to be in awe of her fortitude for something she did not have to go through in the first place. Also, she has an extremely stretched out vagina.
Frequently heard saying: “My little Cole was 12 lbs at birth. AND I had him NATURALLY." (After saything this, she pauses for admiration). “It’s called labor for a reason.” “Honey, can you rub a little something on my perineum?” “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MY HOO HA!!!!”
Why they bug: This is completely unnecessary. Are you aware that you are not in a third world country and there are lots and lots of good drugs for this? Why waste technology? The only person who will be hurt by this is you. And your kids are never going to care how you got them out of you, no matter how hard you try to guilt them. And we know you will try to guilt them.
Their retort: “Giving birth is a natural process.” “Your vagina was created to stretch itself enough to pass a child through it.” “Women have been giving birth without drugs for thousands of years. You don’t need drugs.” “I just spent the last nine months without so much as a drop of caffeine. I’m not going to blow all that now."
My response: An epidural is the payoff of being drug free all this time. I’m sleepy. Give the epidural so that I can take a nap while I dilate. Sleeping during labor is the best part. Lord knows your sleep will not be as easily attained after labor is over.
Frequently heard saying: “My little Cole was 12 lbs at birth. AND I had him NATURALLY." (After saything this, she pauses for admiration). “It’s called labor for a reason.” “Honey, can you rub a little something on my perineum?” “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MY HOO HA!!!!”
Why they bug: This is completely unnecessary. Are you aware that you are not in a third world country and there are lots and lots of good drugs for this? Why waste technology? The only person who will be hurt by this is you. And your kids are never going to care how you got them out of you, no matter how hard you try to guilt them. And we know you will try to guilt them.
Their retort: “Giving birth is a natural process.” “Your vagina was created to stretch itself enough to pass a child through it.” “Women have been giving birth without drugs for thousands of years. You don’t need drugs.” “I just spent the last nine months without so much as a drop of caffeine. I’m not going to blow all that now."
My response: An epidural is the payoff of being drug free all this time. I’m sleepy. Give the epidural so that I can take a nap while I dilate. Sleeping during labor is the best part. Lord knows your sleep will not be as easily attained after labor is over.
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