Creep Of The Week: People Who Get All Up In A Pregnant Woman's Business

How to recognize them: If you’re pregnant, they’re watching you, staring at your every move. And they never know when to shut the fuck up.

Frequently heard saying: “You should drink eight ounces of water every hour.” “You’re not going to drink a Diet Coke, are you? There’s caffeine and artificial sweeteners in there!” “Don’t put that hot dog in your mouth!” “Slow down! Walking too fast is going to get your heart rate and blood pressure up!” “That’s too heavy! You can’t lift it!”

Why they bug: They’re not doctors. Their advice is not based on any medical authority whatsoever. And how I treat my body and my pet fetus is none of their business. Eight ounces of water every hour amounts to 192 ounces of water a day. I would pee every three minutes. Artificial sweeteners and caffeine are fine in small amounts. Hot dogs are okay as long as they’ve been cooked well. Getting your heart rate up is perfectly fine as long as your temperature is not also going up. In fact, exercise is good for you and will actually keep your blood pressure down. It’s okay to lift 50 pounds up to 20 weeks and roughly 20 or so pounds after 20 weeks. You won’t miscarry. Lifting heavy things is more of a concern for a pregnant woman’s back and balance than it is for causing early labor. But, if you want to carry this for me, maybe I shouldn’t stop you. I’m tired from walking too fast...to get away from you.

Their retort: “You think you have all the answers, don’t you? Just wait until you go into labor early!”

My response: Yeah, I do. Do you want to know why? I asked my doctor. She graduated in the top 10% of her class at med school. Did you? She isn’t concerned about any of these things. I can’t imagine why you would be.