How to recognize them: Female with child(ren), she often likes to put herself in ridiculous situations and play the victim card. Then she expects the rest of us to be in awe of her fortitude for something she did not have to go through in the first place. Also, she has an extremely stretched out vagina.
Frequently heard saying: “My little Cole was 12 lbs at birth. AND I had him NATURALLY." (After saything this, she pauses for admiration). “It’s called labor for a reason.” “Honey, can you rub a little something on my perineum?” “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MY HOO HA!!!!”
Why they bug: This is completely unnecessary. Are you aware that you are not in a third world country and there are lots and lots of good drugs for this? Why waste technology? The only person who will be hurt by this is you. And your kids are never going to care how you got them out of you, no matter how hard you try to guilt them. And we know you will try to guilt them.
Their retort: “Giving birth is a natural process.” “Your vagina was created to stretch itself enough to pass a child through it.” “Women have been giving birth without drugs for thousands of years. You don’t need drugs.” “I just spent the last nine months without so much as a drop of caffeine. I’m not going to blow all that now."
My response: An epidural is the payoff of being drug free all this time. I’m sleepy. Give the epidural so that I can take a nap while I dilate. Sleeping during labor is the best part. Lord knows your sleep will not be as easily attained after labor is over.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sweet dreams, baby!
In the past few weeks, I have heard a lot of moms complaining that their babies are not sleeping. There are experts out there making mints off various methods. Since I have managed to raise a good sleeper (*knock on wood*), I am going to share what I have learned with you.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Can We Shut Up About Tiger Woods Now?
I really don’t care what he did. It is none of my business, nor is it yours, Nosey Nosersons! What he did has nothing to do with his ability to hit a ball with a long stick. I don’t care if he plays or if he doesn’t play. Does anyone really watch golf anyway? It’s boring.
I don’t feel that I was owed an apology from him on Friday. Again, I don’t care. If the man wants to keep his private life private, he should not hold a press conference about it. He should just go away.
It’s a sad commentary on our society when this is the news we see everyday. This morning’s news reports were ridden with annoying blurbs about where he went this weekend with his wife. Please stop spending time on this. There are so many other things going on in this world that are more important and should be reported and discussed. Let’s talk about something more relevant, like John Edwards.
I’d like to extend a special thanks to the writers’ block that I’m experiencing today to talk about not talking about a certain topic. I love irony.
I don’t feel that I was owed an apology from him on Friday. Again, I don’t care. If the man wants to keep his private life private, he should not hold a press conference about it. He should just go away.
It’s a sad commentary on our society when this is the news we see everyday. This morning’s news reports were ridden with annoying blurbs about where he went this weekend with his wife. Please stop spending time on this. There are so many other things going on in this world that are more important and should be reported and discussed. Let’s talk about something more relevant, like John Edwards.
I’d like to extend a special thanks to the writers’ block that I’m experiencing today to talk about not talking about a certain topic. I love irony.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Creep of The Week: The Five Minute Maniac
How to recognize them: Likely to be your boss, your boss’s boss, your boss’s boss’s boss or some other corporate big wig that is seldom seen, they often send “inspirational” emails talking about the latest business self help book that they’ve read or a modern day parable about a mentally or physically challenged kid who participated in a triathlon. These emails often end with what they believe to be an inspiring phrase like, “May the force be with you.” The emails also contain a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. Their offices have framed wall hangings from the Image Masters Inspirational Collection. Their bookshelves are lined with titles like “Who Moved My Cheese?” and “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Their personal lives tend to be the topic of gossip, as they are often in shambles due to divorce or marriages of appearance.
Frequently heard saying: “As Stephen Covey would say…” “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it” or some other such Dr. Phil like cliché.
Why they bug: FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! They want to lead and inspire yet, unless they are a Disney executive or have appeared on an episode of Undercover Boss, they have no concept of what their employees actually go through on a daily basis. They often do not have a formal education and can be easily intimidated by the people working for them that have obtained degrees. And they should be intimidated. We’re all laughing about the verbiage of your poorly written emails behind your back. Try typing it in Word first. It will show you the mistakes. Perhaps if you had a degree you’d know that. They likely lack that education because they have a difficulty comprehending what they read, which is why the business book genre is so appealing to them. They are fooled into thinking that this is a substitute for a real education by the authors of these books. Plus, there's no plot to follow. If you need some sort of inspirational picture with a line about “Challenges” and “Success” to motivate you, you should probably question why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. I’d also be inclined to guess that your wife left you because you were always at the office or away on business where you are surrounded by ass kissing sycophants. She probably saw through your bullshit and was not about to play your game. Then she got bored and fucked the gardener. For those that are married, you're not fooling anyone. We know you’re really gay and your spouse is a beard. Nothing is faker than that. Or your husband also has a high profile job with the company and you want to be seen so that you have greater opportunity to kiss the asses of other Five Minute Maniacs. The only thing you have in common with Obi Wan Kenobi is the facial hair, lady.
Their retort: “You’re fired!”
My response: “Can I borrow your copy of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?'”
Frequently heard saying: “As Stephen Covey would say…” “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it” or some other such Dr. Phil like cliché.
Why they bug: FAKE! FAKE! FAKE! They want to lead and inspire yet, unless they are a Disney executive or have appeared on an episode of Undercover Boss, they have no concept of what their employees actually go through on a daily basis. They often do not have a formal education and can be easily intimidated by the people working for them that have obtained degrees. And they should be intimidated. We’re all laughing about the verbiage of your poorly written emails behind your back. Try typing it in Word first. It will show you the mistakes. Perhaps if you had a degree you’d know that. They likely lack that education because they have a difficulty comprehending what they read, which is why the business book genre is so appealing to them. They are fooled into thinking that this is a substitute for a real education by the authors of these books. Plus, there's no plot to follow. If you need some sort of inspirational picture with a line about “Challenges” and “Success” to motivate you, you should probably question why you are doing what you are doing in the first place. I’d also be inclined to guess that your wife left you because you were always at the office or away on business where you are surrounded by ass kissing sycophants. She probably saw through your bullshit and was not about to play your game. Then she got bored and fucked the gardener. For those that are married, you're not fooling anyone. We know you’re really gay and your spouse is a beard. Nothing is faker than that. Or your husband also has a high profile job with the company and you want to be seen so that you have greater opportunity to kiss the asses of other Five Minute Maniacs. The only thing you have in common with Obi Wan Kenobi is the facial hair, lady.
Their retort: “You’re fired!”
My response: “Can I borrow your copy of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?'”
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Pregnant women lie
"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy."
We've all heard this statement before. It is clearly a load of bullshit.
I understand fully that a healthy baby is certainly a priority. When I was pregnant last time and had to have an amnio (which ended up being botched, resulting in a need for a second amnio), wanting a tiny little girl in a fluffy pink blanket was certainly put aside for a more dire concern. But it never went away. And I was crazy excited when the amnio results came and confirmed what the doctor who performed the amnio seemed to find a bit iffy - that my dreams of tea parties, dolls and puppet shows were about to become a reality.
Why can't people just admit they have a preference? Why can't you want a healthy boy or a healthy girl? And really, even if that child is not healthy, will you love it less? I would think that a mother's love for an ailing child is even more profound since there is more on the line and the possibility of something going horribly wrong is a reality that she always stares in the face.
I write this on the eve of my big ultrasound which will hopefully show a healthy child but also the genitals that I prefer. And I get being a little depressed about not getting what you want. For me, one outcome should go off without a hitch and the other will be a bigger challenge in terms of logistics and certain practical elements, like what to name the baby when neither of us can agree and no one wants to back down.
I assure you that I will love this baby no matter what it is, as long as it's not a republican. But there is a certain way that I want things to go tomorrow. And in my vow of honesty and throwing political correctness at the wind, I cannot deny it.
We've all heard this statement before. It is clearly a load of bullshit.
I understand fully that a healthy baby is certainly a priority. When I was pregnant last time and had to have an amnio (which ended up being botched, resulting in a need for a second amnio), wanting a tiny little girl in a fluffy pink blanket was certainly put aside for a more dire concern. But it never went away. And I was crazy excited when the amnio results came and confirmed what the doctor who performed the amnio seemed to find a bit iffy - that my dreams of tea parties, dolls and puppet shows were about to become a reality.
Why can't people just admit they have a preference? Why can't you want a healthy boy or a healthy girl? And really, even if that child is not healthy, will you love it less? I would think that a mother's love for an ailing child is even more profound since there is more on the line and the possibility of something going horribly wrong is a reality that she always stares in the face.
I write this on the eve of my big ultrasound which will hopefully show a healthy child but also the genitals that I prefer. And I get being a little depressed about not getting what you want. For me, one outcome should go off without a hitch and the other will be a bigger challenge in terms of logistics and certain practical elements, like what to name the baby when neither of us can agree and no one wants to back down.
I assure you that I will love this baby no matter what it is, as long as it's not a republican. But there is a certain way that I want things to go tomorrow. And in my vow of honesty and throwing political correctness at the wind, I cannot deny it.
Monday, February 15, 2010
VD at White Castle
As tacky as it may sound, Paul and I went to White Castle for Valentines Day with some friends. I've never been big on fancy restaurants. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable. This was a blast! The journey to White Castle took roughly an hour and a half. But isn't it supposed to be a road trip adventure? Isn't that what that Harold and Kumar movie is all about?
You could feel the love in the air when we arrived. The tables were set with balloons, candles, fake roses and boxes of candy.
There was a paper menu and table service.
Paul and I split the sweetheart special and some chicken rings, much of which I ended up taking home.
This was Stasi's first time at a fast food restaurant. She stuffed her face with french fries and played with a straw. If only she would eat like this at home.
The waitress gave her a little gift bag with a teddy bear and a lollipop. I think she
was regifting. I'm envisioning some creepy customer giving it to the poor lady and that she just wanted to get rid of it. At any rate, it was a nice gesture.
They took our picture for their website. They also took this picture with a Polaroid camera and gave it to us. Stasi was as attentive to the camera as she always is.
Who needs fancy restaurants when you can have kitschy fun like this?
You could feel the love in the air when we arrived. The tables were set with balloons, candles, fake roses and boxes of candy.
There was a paper menu and table service.
Paul and I split the sweetheart special and some chicken rings, much of which I ended up taking home.
This was Stasi's first time at a fast food restaurant. She stuffed her face with french fries and played with a straw. If only she would eat like this at home.
The waitress gave her a little gift bag with a teddy bear and a lollipop. I think she
was regifting. I'm envisioning some creepy customer giving it to the poor lady and that she just wanted to get rid of it. At any rate, it was a nice gesture.
They took our picture for their website. They also took this picture with a Polaroid camera and gave it to us. Stasi was as attentive to the camera as she always is.
Who needs fancy restaurants when you can have kitschy fun like this?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Creep of the week: People who follow too closely
How to recognize them: When driving, look behind you. They are sitting in your trunk. Okay, not really but they are really close. If driving at night, they are likely shining their headlights right in your rear view mirror and blinding you.
Frequently heard saying: “Move your fuckin’ car!” Beeeeeeep!
Why they bug: You fear that, sooner or later, you are going to have to stop suddenly and they are going to ram you. They are likely not paying close attention. They are being reckless. The last thing you need is an accident due to this, especially if you are already running late or you have your children in the car. Back off, asshole!
Their retort: “I said, ‘Move your fuckin’ car! I’m in a hurry.’”
My response: “Me too! I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, though.” “If you can read my license plate, you are too close.” “Since you’re not responding to my hand gesture, I’m going to throw my four way lights on so it looks like I’m breaking but really I’m not. While doing that, I’m going to hit the gas and speed up while you break to keep from hitting me.” “Oh and fuck you!”
Frequently heard saying: “Move your fuckin’ car!” Beeeeeeep!
Why they bug: You fear that, sooner or later, you are going to have to stop suddenly and they are going to ram you. They are likely not paying close attention. They are being reckless. The last thing you need is an accident due to this, especially if you are already running late or you have your children in the car. Back off, asshole!
Their retort: “I said, ‘Move your fuckin’ car! I’m in a hurry.’”
My response: “Me too! I can only go as fast as the car in front of me, though.” “If you can read my license plate, you are too close.” “Since you’re not responding to my hand gesture, I’m going to throw my four way lights on so it looks like I’m breaking but really I’m not. While doing that, I’m going to hit the gas and speed up while you break to keep from hitting me.” “Oh and fuck you!”
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
10 Love Songs That Suck
Paul McCartney once sang, “You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. But I look around me and I see it isn’t so.” Who am I to argue with a Beatle? There are definitely a lot of silly love songs out there that people inexplicably love. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I’d imagine there are people making mix CDs for their lovers or putting together play lists for a romantic evening. Here is a list of songs you should avoid.
1. My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic) – Celine Dion
Annoying lyrics: “Once more you open the door and you're here in my heart and my heart will go on and on.”
The lyrics to this song were inspired by the movie. She’s singing about moving on after her lovah suddenly becomes fish food because someone didn’t have the sense to make a left turn. So what you’re basically telling your loved one by playing this song is that after they die, you’ll be perfectly fine getting over it and finding someone else. Yeah, yeah, I love you and all, but once you’re gone I’ll keep on moving, probably finding someone younger, hotter and less sickly. The lyric above reminds me of a different movie – Poltergeist. All I can ever envision is a door opening with bright light coming from the other side. Go into the light, Celine. Please, go into the light.
Also, if I were Grover, I’d be pissed and suing for copyright infringement.
2. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You ~ Bryan Adams
Annoying lyrics: There's nowhere unless you're there, all the time, all the way.
Geez! Clingy much? More proof that people will eat any single released from a big movie soundtrack with the spoon straw from the Icee they had at the theater. When I was in tenth grade, I wrote an essay about why this song was so popular. I don’t know how I did it because the song’s popularity still baffles me. I got a really great grade on the paper, despite the song being my teacher’s wedding song. Oopsy. David Duke used this as his campaign song when he ran for Louisiana governor. Further proof that it’s creepy and overdone.
3. More Than Words ~ Extreme
Annoying lyrics: All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands
You know this song is about a hand job, right? He’s basically saying, “Bitch, I don’t want to hear you say that you love me. Just do me.” He’s asking nicely but I get the feeling that the follow up song would somehow imply that if she doesn’t shut up with the “I love you’s” he’s going to put something in her mouth to make her shut up. This isn’t even a thinly veiled request. It’s outright piggish. Ladies, you don't have to help a guy put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college. And men, you’ll never get laid with this line of thinking. At least schmooze your way into her pants. Or give her some scotch.
4. Just The Way You Are ~ Billy Joel
Annoying lyrics: I would not leave you in times of trouble. We never could have come this far.
This would be much more believable if Billy Joel hadn’t sung it three wives before, each one younger and hotter than the last. We’re not buying it, pal. And ladies, don’t let yourselves go if your husband is a superficial alcoholic prick. He really will try to replace you with a supermodel. Then again, you might be better off.
5. Always On My Mind ~ Willie Nelson
Annoying lyrics: If I made you feel second best, girl, I'm sorry I was blind. You were always on my mind. You were always on my mind.
Dude, you blew it. It’s too little too late. She’s moving on because you were too busy sitting around with your buddies smoking pot on the couch and watching Animal House. And now you’re sitting around missing her because you want someone to bring you beer and pizza to soothe your munchies. Writing a pretty song that people play at weddings ain’t gonna cut it. She’s not as dumb as you are to fall for it.
6. Wonderful Tonight ~ Eric Clapton
Annoying lyrics: And then she asks me, “Do I look alright?” And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight.”
Eric Clapton might be the biggest pussy in rock and roll history. I almost put “Bell Bottom Blues” on this list because of the lyrics “Do you want to seem me crawl across the floor to you? Do you want to see me beg you to take me back? Well, I’d gladly do it.” Gladly? You’d gladly look like a pathetic idiot? She made you cry! Is her hoo ha lined with mink or something? I left that song off the list because I actually like it, though. “Wonderful Tonight” sucks because you know this high maintenance bitch is taking way too much time getting ready. They’re probably really late. And yet, he takes the time to watch her and look her over. In real life, in the non-whipped man world, the guy would be like, “Yeah, yeah, you’re fine. Come on! Let’s go already. The car’s running!” Dude, you’re Eric Fucking Clapton. You’re on T-Mobile commercials! And people say you’re a good guitarist. You don’t need to put up with these chicks and their head games. And you’re only encouraging her high maintenance behavior.
7. Beth ~ Kiss
Annoying lyrics: I'm always somewhere else and you're always there alone
You know this song is bad because I like Kiss. And it made the list before “I Still Love You” and “Forever,” which are horrible, horrible songs. This song started out as a goof when Peter Criss was in a band called Chelsea with a guy named Mike Brand. Mike’s wife, Becky, would call constantly during band practices to see when he was coming home and was a general hen pecking pain in the ass. So Peter and another band mate, Stan Penridge, wrote the song as a goof and called it “Beck.” Years later, Gene Simmons and Bob Ezrin got their money grubbing hands on it, pussified it and changed the title. But basically, what this song says is that your lady is a nagging pain in the ass. Just what every woman wants to be.
8. Back for Good ~ Take That
Annoying lyrics: Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it. I just want you back for good.
This guy isn’t even trying. He has no clue what he did wrong. There is nothing sincere about his mea culpa. There is no chance at all that he will correct his mistake. He’s also likely to repeat it. To top it all off, he’s being selfish and only worrying about what HE wants. Fuck off, buddy. A little sincerity would go much further.
9. The Rose ~ Bette Midler
Annoying lyrics: All of them
In every high school in every small town, there is an awkward teenage girl singing this song for the spring choral concert. Do you really want to remind your beloved of her awkward teenage years?
10. I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
Annoying lyrics: I could stay awake just to hear you breathin’, watch you smile while you are sleeping while you're far away and dreaming.
People don’t usually smile in their sleep. They drool and snore. This is just another overrated hit from another epic movie. It conjures visions of passionate love through a scene that is bound to give you all sorts of warm fuzzies. Of course I am referring to the movie The Sweetest Thing. The scene is the one where Selma Blair gets her braces stuck while giving oral pleasure. The rest of the cast saves the day by singing this song to make the guy’s penis go soft. Do you really want to romance your sweetie with a song that should be sung by Flacido Domingo? Why don’t you serve her boneless pork while you’re at it
And lest you think I'm a music snob or a heartless, cynical bitch (okay, you got me on that one), you can read a list of my favorite love songs in this classic blog from 2006 by clicking here.
1. My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic) – Celine Dion
Annoying lyrics: “Once more you open the door and you're here in my heart and my heart will go on and on.”
The lyrics to this song were inspired by the movie. She’s singing about moving on after her lovah suddenly becomes fish food because someone didn’t have the sense to make a left turn. So what you’re basically telling your loved one by playing this song is that after they die, you’ll be perfectly fine getting over it and finding someone else. Yeah, yeah, I love you and all, but once you’re gone I’ll keep on moving, probably finding someone younger, hotter and less sickly. The lyric above reminds me of a different movie – Poltergeist. All I can ever envision is a door opening with bright light coming from the other side. Go into the light, Celine. Please, go into the light.
Also, if I were Grover, I’d be pissed and suing for copyright infringement.
2. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You ~ Bryan Adams
Annoying lyrics: There's nowhere unless you're there, all the time, all the way.
Geez! Clingy much? More proof that people will eat any single released from a big movie soundtrack with the spoon straw from the Icee they had at the theater. When I was in tenth grade, I wrote an essay about why this song was so popular. I don’t know how I did it because the song’s popularity still baffles me. I got a really great grade on the paper, despite the song being my teacher’s wedding song. Oopsy. David Duke used this as his campaign song when he ran for Louisiana governor. Further proof that it’s creepy and overdone.
3. More Than Words ~ Extreme
Annoying lyrics: All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands
You know this song is about a hand job, right? He’s basically saying, “Bitch, I don’t want to hear you say that you love me. Just do me.” He’s asking nicely but I get the feeling that the follow up song would somehow imply that if she doesn’t shut up with the “I love you’s” he’s going to put something in her mouth to make her shut up. This isn’t even a thinly veiled request. It’s outright piggish. Ladies, you don't have to help a guy put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college. And men, you’ll never get laid with this line of thinking. At least schmooze your way into her pants. Or give her some scotch.
4. Just The Way You Are ~ Billy Joel
Annoying lyrics: I would not leave you in times of trouble. We never could have come this far.
This would be much more believable if Billy Joel hadn’t sung it three wives before, each one younger and hotter than the last. We’re not buying it, pal. And ladies, don’t let yourselves go if your husband is a superficial alcoholic prick. He really will try to replace you with a supermodel. Then again, you might be better off.
5. Always On My Mind ~ Willie Nelson
Annoying lyrics: If I made you feel second best, girl, I'm sorry I was blind. You were always on my mind. You were always on my mind.
Dude, you blew it. It’s too little too late. She’s moving on because you were too busy sitting around with your buddies smoking pot on the couch and watching Animal House. And now you’re sitting around missing her because you want someone to bring you beer and pizza to soothe your munchies. Writing a pretty song that people play at weddings ain’t gonna cut it. She’s not as dumb as you are to fall for it.
6. Wonderful Tonight ~ Eric Clapton
Annoying lyrics: And then she asks me, “Do I look alright?” And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight.”
Eric Clapton might be the biggest pussy in rock and roll history. I almost put “Bell Bottom Blues” on this list because of the lyrics “Do you want to seem me crawl across the floor to you? Do you want to see me beg you to take me back? Well, I’d gladly do it.” Gladly? You’d gladly look like a pathetic idiot? She made you cry! Is her hoo ha lined with mink or something? I left that song off the list because I actually like it, though. “Wonderful Tonight” sucks because you know this high maintenance bitch is taking way too much time getting ready. They’re probably really late. And yet, he takes the time to watch her and look her over. In real life, in the non-whipped man world, the guy would be like, “Yeah, yeah, you’re fine. Come on! Let’s go already. The car’s running!” Dude, you’re Eric Fucking Clapton. You’re on T-Mobile commercials! And people say you’re a good guitarist. You don’t need to put up with these chicks and their head games. And you’re only encouraging her high maintenance behavior.
7. Beth ~ Kiss
Annoying lyrics: I'm always somewhere else and you're always there alone
You know this song is bad because I like Kiss. And it made the list before “I Still Love You” and “Forever,” which are horrible, horrible songs. This song started out as a goof when Peter Criss was in a band called Chelsea with a guy named Mike Brand. Mike’s wife, Becky, would call constantly during band practices to see when he was coming home and was a general hen pecking pain in the ass. So Peter and another band mate, Stan Penridge, wrote the song as a goof and called it “Beck.” Years later, Gene Simmons and Bob Ezrin got their money grubbing hands on it, pussified it and changed the title. But basically, what this song says is that your lady is a nagging pain in the ass. Just what every woman wants to be.
8. Back for Good ~ Take That
Annoying lyrics: Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it. I just want you back for good.
This guy isn’t even trying. He has no clue what he did wrong. There is nothing sincere about his mea culpa. There is no chance at all that he will correct his mistake. He’s also likely to repeat it. To top it all off, he’s being selfish and only worrying about what HE wants. Fuck off, buddy. A little sincerity would go much further.
9. The Rose ~ Bette Midler
Annoying lyrics: All of them
In every high school in every small town, there is an awkward teenage girl singing this song for the spring choral concert. Do you really want to remind your beloved of her awkward teenage years?
10. I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
Annoying lyrics: I could stay awake just to hear you breathin’, watch you smile while you are sleeping while you're far away and dreaming.
People don’t usually smile in their sleep. They drool and snore. This is just another overrated hit from another epic movie. It conjures visions of passionate love through a scene that is bound to give you all sorts of warm fuzzies. Of course I am referring to the movie The Sweetest Thing. The scene is the one where Selma Blair gets her braces stuck while giving oral pleasure. The rest of the cast saves the day by singing this song to make the guy’s penis go soft. Do you really want to romance your sweetie with a song that should be sung by Flacido Domingo? Why don’t you serve her boneless pork while you’re at it
And lest you think I'm a music snob or a heartless, cynical bitch (okay, you got me on that one), you can read a list of my favorite love songs in this classic blog from 2006 by clicking here.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Five alternative suggestions for when you need a boost.
Winter has reared its ugly head again. Now that the holidays are long over, even the people who love snow are getting a little bit sick of it. It’s cold. It’s difficult to drive in. Before you know it, we’re all suffering from cabin fever and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Indeed, it is sad. If you find yourself in this sort of funk, many people will offer you the typical advice, acting as that little angel on the shoulder of a cartoon character who has found himself with a dilemma. Here to offer the opposing angle, as the guy in red is yours truly.
Instead of working out, have a meal with a fat man. Fat men always know the best restaurants. They will find you the best comfort food and keep you away from places with food that is poorly prepared and small in portion. They’re also likely to listen to you because fat men are often times overlooked or made fun of by their peers. They’re happy to be noticed. They need attention too! If you’re lucky, he will also be sloppy and fumbling over himself. You’ll feel thin, graceful and attractive by comparison. What a boost!
Instead of organizing your kitchen cabinets or linen closet, buy something new. Get some new clothes, a new kitchen appliance or a new electrical device. Sure, you might not have anywhere to put it. But that’s okay. You will just have to keep it out to continue to admire it. Nothing will distract you more from the winter blahs than a shiny new toy. Luxuriate in your new plushy bathrobe while you drink hot chocolate and watch Lifetime movies. Make cookies with your new mixer. Surf for porn or read this blog with your new laptop. Before you know it, the time will pass and spring will be here.
Instead of going out dancing with your girl friends, hang out with your gays. I never feel better about myself when I go out with my girlfriends because I think they’re all prettier than me. Plus, I’m the frumpy old married lady who has to sit back and watch all the cute boys talk to them. My husband will not let me date. Hanging out with gay men is much more empowering. My gays will also give me a lift by reminding me of my strengths. They’re there to give me the pep talk that I need to come back out swinging. Some of them are also catty bitches that aren’t above blowing out someone’s flame to make ours glow brighter. In that sense, a gay man is a perfect companion for people watching. They’re so observant of the details.
Instead of spending time being one with nature, eat a dead cow. It’s too blessed cold outside to hang with nature. I don’t see anything pretty about ice. It’s dangerous and it could kill you if you slip on it and hit your head. Why not just stay indoors where it’s warm and eat something hot? Doesn’t a big steak sound good? Or maybe some candy in a heart shaped box, even if you have to buy it yourself? Go outside when it gets warmer. If you really want to be one with nature, try hibernating.
Instead of volunteering, do something bad and destructive. Tell that annoying, arrogant prick on Facebook to go fuck himself. Unless doing so is somehow linked to you receiving money or sex, why should you care if you offend him? He offends you. Watch videos on YouTube of people falling. Laugh hysterically. Scream really loud. Break something (although, nothing you will regret breaking later – put grandma’s heirloom china down, Godzilla) or at least bang it really loud. A little graffiti, if done tastefully, won’t hurt anyone. In fact, reading graffiti has often made my day. You’ll be spreading cheer to others. As long as it will not get you in trouble, or at the very least you will not get caught, it can be quite liberating.
Instead of working out, have a meal with a fat man. Fat men always know the best restaurants. They will find you the best comfort food and keep you away from places with food that is poorly prepared and small in portion. They’re also likely to listen to you because fat men are often times overlooked or made fun of by their peers. They’re happy to be noticed. They need attention too! If you’re lucky, he will also be sloppy and fumbling over himself. You’ll feel thin, graceful and attractive by comparison. What a boost!
Instead of organizing your kitchen cabinets or linen closet, buy something new. Get some new clothes, a new kitchen appliance or a new electrical device. Sure, you might not have anywhere to put it. But that’s okay. You will just have to keep it out to continue to admire it. Nothing will distract you more from the winter blahs than a shiny new toy. Luxuriate in your new plushy bathrobe while you drink hot chocolate and watch Lifetime movies. Make cookies with your new mixer. Surf for porn or read this blog with your new laptop. Before you know it, the time will pass and spring will be here.
Instead of going out dancing with your girl friends, hang out with your gays. I never feel better about myself when I go out with my girlfriends because I think they’re all prettier than me. Plus, I’m the frumpy old married lady who has to sit back and watch all the cute boys talk to them. My husband will not let me date. Hanging out with gay men is much more empowering. My gays will also give me a lift by reminding me of my strengths. They’re there to give me the pep talk that I need to come back out swinging. Some of them are also catty bitches that aren’t above blowing out someone’s flame to make ours glow brighter. In that sense, a gay man is a perfect companion for people watching. They’re so observant of the details.
Instead of spending time being one with nature, eat a dead cow. It’s too blessed cold outside to hang with nature. I don’t see anything pretty about ice. It’s dangerous and it could kill you if you slip on it and hit your head. Why not just stay indoors where it’s warm and eat something hot? Doesn’t a big steak sound good? Or maybe some candy in a heart shaped box, even if you have to buy it yourself? Go outside when it gets warmer. If you really want to be one with nature, try hibernating.
Instead of volunteering, do something bad and destructive. Tell that annoying, arrogant prick on Facebook to go fuck himself. Unless doing so is somehow linked to you receiving money or sex, why should you care if you offend him? He offends you. Watch videos on YouTube of people falling. Laugh hysterically. Scream really loud. Break something (although, nothing you will regret breaking later – put grandma’s heirloom china down, Godzilla) or at least bang it really loud. A little graffiti, if done tastefully, won’t hurt anyone. In fact, reading graffiti has often made my day. You’ll be spreading cheer to others. As long as it will not get you in trouble, or at the very least you will not get caught, it can be quite liberating.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Creep of the week: Oscar the Cat
How to recognize him: He’s a fuzzy little white and gray bastard who lives in the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre in Providence, Rhode Island. Originally brought to the home as a therapy cat, he has accurately predicted 50 deaths by sleeping with the patient who is “the next to go.”
Read more here.
Frequently heard saying: “Meow!” “Purr!” “I hope they don’t wheel you out of here before I get a chance to eat your face.”
Why he bugs: What could possibly be creepier than a cat who has a history of hanging out with people who are about to die? They should have named him Horse Head. One day, you’re sitting around the retirement home, watching Columbo reruns. Next thing you know, Oscar the Creep passes out on your face after you doze off and he smothers you.
Oh. That’s not what he does? Well, anyway, he must smell death on you or something. It’s still creepy. Maybe the nurses are scrimping on the sponge baths.
A new book about this cat suggests that he is helping the patients make the transition between life and death like a little angel. But seriously, if you woke up in the middle of the night and that thing was in your bed, don’t tell me it wouldn’t freak you out.
His retort: “Hiss!”
My response: “Why don’t you go sleep in Ralph Nader’s bed?”
Read more here.
Frequently heard saying: “Meow!” “Purr!” “I hope they don’t wheel you out of here before I get a chance to eat your face.”
Why he bugs: What could possibly be creepier than a cat who has a history of hanging out with people who are about to die? They should have named him Horse Head. One day, you’re sitting around the retirement home, watching Columbo reruns. Next thing you know, Oscar the Creep passes out on your face after you doze off and he smothers you.
Oh. That’s not what he does? Well, anyway, he must smell death on you or something. It’s still creepy. Maybe the nurses are scrimping on the sponge baths.
A new book about this cat suggests that he is helping the patients make the transition between life and death like a little angel. But seriously, if you woke up in the middle of the night and that thing was in your bed, don’t tell me it wouldn’t freak you out.
His retort: “Hiss!”
My response: “Why don’t you go sleep in Ralph Nader’s bed?”
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A good song is a good song no matter who sings it
Lionel Richie and Quincy Jones have done it again.
Unless you live under a rock, I’m sure by now you’ve heard that this week they produced a new version of “We Are the World” to benefit the earthquake victims of Haiti. The recording features many hot acts, old and new. Many music fans are upset that the recording did not include any of the artists featured on the original track. The reasons for this are clear to me. Why remake something if you’re going to use the same people? Sure, they could have kept a few of the originals but many of those people are not relevant to today’s youth. Think about it. If The Lettermen, Peter, Paul and Mary, or KC and the Sunshine Band had been on the original recording, would our generation have really thought it to be all that cool? In fact, to me, the part of that song that sucks the hardest is where Bob Dylan sings, even though I love his other recorded works. Young people are the target market for this song. They know people of our generation are probably going to dismiss it as “not being as good as the original,” no matter who sings it. They have to reel in a younger demographic.
Throwing a wrench into my whole theory are names like Tony Bennett, Celine Dion and Barbara Striesand, who reported took 76 takes for her part because she wanted it to be perfect. Fucking Diva. These names are not as trendy and don’t seem to fit. Although they all have great voices to their merits and hopefully will bring something to the song. Still, other big names seem to be glaringly absent – Madonna, Alicia Keys and Lady Gaga, who reportedly did not return calls to participate. They should have been there. Perhaps they just wrote big donations on their own.
I don’t mind remakes all that much. Some of my favorite songs are remakes. For example, Tracy Ulman’s version of the golden oldie “Bobby’s Girl” always makes me smile. I love when Ace Frehley covers “Do Ya,” “Fox on the Run,” and “Back in the New York Groove.” Come to think of it, my favorite Ace Frehley songs are all covers. Everclear does a great rendition of Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys Are Back in Town.” I love when newer artists cover 80’s songs, like when Killers do Joy Divisions’ “Shadow Play.” I love Gwen Stefani’s version of “It’s My Life.” The other night, an episode of One Tree Hill featured covers of The Cure’s “Lovecats” and The Thompson Twins, “If You Were Here,” among others. A quick glance at my iTunes playlists would show you some interesting covers such as MoZella’s version of “Say It Ain’t So” and Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt.” My all time favorite cover, hands down, would have to be Obidiah Parker’s interpretation of OutKast’s “Hey Ya.” Who doesn’t like “Hey Ya?” In this version, you can just imagine him sitting in a coffee house with his guitar asking the musical question, “If they say that nothing lasts forever, then what makes love the exception?” If the original wasn’t so bouncy, I might actually like this version better.
This theory does not apply to Tori Amos’ cover of Eminem’s “Just the Two of Us.” I suppose the argument could be made that it was never a good song in the first place. Still, cover songs should be given a chance and not hated before heard.
Now, will someone please explain to me why Vince Vaughn was at the “We Are the World” recording session? Is he the new Dan Akroyd?
Unless you live under a rock, I’m sure by now you’ve heard that this week they produced a new version of “We Are the World” to benefit the earthquake victims of Haiti. The recording features many hot acts, old and new. Many music fans are upset that the recording did not include any of the artists featured on the original track. The reasons for this are clear to me. Why remake something if you’re going to use the same people? Sure, they could have kept a few of the originals but many of those people are not relevant to today’s youth. Think about it. If The Lettermen, Peter, Paul and Mary, or KC and the Sunshine Band had been on the original recording, would our generation have really thought it to be all that cool? In fact, to me, the part of that song that sucks the hardest is where Bob Dylan sings, even though I love his other recorded works. Young people are the target market for this song. They know people of our generation are probably going to dismiss it as “not being as good as the original,” no matter who sings it. They have to reel in a younger demographic.
Throwing a wrench into my whole theory are names like Tony Bennett, Celine Dion and Barbara Striesand, who reported took 76 takes for her part because she wanted it to be perfect. Fucking Diva. These names are not as trendy and don’t seem to fit. Although they all have great voices to their merits and hopefully will bring something to the song. Still, other big names seem to be glaringly absent – Madonna, Alicia Keys and Lady Gaga, who reportedly did not return calls to participate. They should have been there. Perhaps they just wrote big donations on their own.
I don’t mind remakes all that much. Some of my favorite songs are remakes. For example, Tracy Ulman’s version of the golden oldie “Bobby’s Girl” always makes me smile. I love when Ace Frehley covers “Do Ya,” “Fox on the Run,” and “Back in the New York Groove.” Come to think of it, my favorite Ace Frehley songs are all covers. Everclear does a great rendition of Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys Are Back in Town.” I love when newer artists cover 80’s songs, like when Killers do Joy Divisions’ “Shadow Play.” I love Gwen Stefani’s version of “It’s My Life.” The other night, an episode of One Tree Hill featured covers of The Cure’s “Lovecats” and The Thompson Twins, “If You Were Here,” among others. A quick glance at my iTunes playlists would show you some interesting covers such as MoZella’s version of “Say It Ain’t So” and Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt.” My all time favorite cover, hands down, would have to be Obidiah Parker’s interpretation of OutKast’s “Hey Ya.” Who doesn’t like “Hey Ya?” In this version, you can just imagine him sitting in a coffee house with his guitar asking the musical question, “If they say that nothing lasts forever, then what makes love the exception?” If the original wasn’t so bouncy, I might actually like this version better.
This theory does not apply to Tori Amos’ cover of Eminem’s “Just the Two of Us.” I suppose the argument could be made that it was never a good song in the first place. Still, cover songs should be given a chance and not hated before heard.
Now, will someone please explain to me why Vince Vaughn was at the “We Are the World” recording session? Is he the new Dan Akroyd?
Monday, February 1, 2010
I judge you because (the parenting edition)
You chose to have a home birth. A few years ago, Rikki Lake made a documentary called "The Business of Being Born." The basic message behind the film was that birth is a natural process. It conveyed a message that women should take control of their own bodies during this process rather than allowing a doctor's agenda and the fiscal aspect of hospitals to interfere. I have been involved in many discussions on this topic and find home births to be a horrible idea. You never know what could go wrong during labor. Problems may arise that can put both you and your baby at risk. It's grossly irresponsible. If you're at a hospital, help can be there within seconds. What is wrong with allowing doctors and nurses to take charge of the situation? They will go through this process more times in a single day than you will in your entire lifetime. Let them be the experts. I often find that the women who push for home births tend to be of the hippy dippy variety. Like me, these same women sometimes fight for safe and legal abortions. I question that if they want to use technology for a procedure that will result in the fetus not surviving, why deny technology when you are looking for a survival outcome?
You drink or smoke while you are pregnant or you smoke in front of children and pregnant women. I've never been able to understand the appeal of smoking. Have we not done all the research we could possibly do to prove that smoking in general is bad? Why do it at all? And I'm tired of smokers complaining about their rights. Shut the fuck up. You can choose to smoke but I can't choose not to breathe the air while you're doing it. Your selfishness is infringing upon my health, my rights and that of my unborn child's. Personally, I don't care if you smoke. Please, by all means, get cancer and remove yourself from my gene pool. Darwin would be proud. And drinking while pregnant is also ridiculously selfish as well. Why risk damaging your child? And if I can give up drinking for nine months, anyone can do it. Trust me.
You choose not to vaccinate your children. I will never understand this. Again, why put your child at risk for getting sick? I understand that one of the arguments against vaccination is that rates of learning disabilities have gone up since vaccinations have become more widely attainable. Gee, do you think it's because we've also become more scientifically aware in general? Our kids are now going to school and graduating rather than dropping out to help on farms or support the workforce as they did in generations past. We have trained our teachers to spot learning and attention disabilities (although, I think we are also sometimes too quick to make these judgments out of laziness and last resort as an excuse to medicate and walk away). And we're also feeding our children a different diet than in the past as well. The key is, that child mortality rates have also dropped dramatically since we've started vaccinating regularly as well. And once again, I think this becomes an issue of not wanting others, such as the government, to influence your parenting decisions. What makes you the expert?
You let your baby drink soda. Caffeine is like kiddie alcohol. It has its time and a place. It's one thing to have it on a special occassion, like a birthday party. It's another thing to have it constantly every day.
Childhood obesity is on the rise and soda is like a gateway drug. As mentioned in the previous point, we're also discovering more learning disabilities and attention disorders. I think if we limit the amount of caffeine and sugar in our kid's diets they will be significantly calmer and less hyperactive. I was not allowed to drink caffeine as a child because I would bounce off the walls. As an adult, I have a lower tolerance for caffeine and don't find myself being a slave to it as others that I know are. I have the ability to energize myself without depending on a stimulus.
You home school. This is true especially in cases where people do it because the curriculum interferes with their religious beliefs. What are you so afraid of? If you're so sure that what you believe is true and that you are raising your children in what you consider to be the "right" way, why would learning about other ideas raise any issue? I'm not particularly religious, but if my child learns of a religion and decides to become a part of that faith at an appropriate age, I will not be disappointed. Although, if they decided to be Republicans, I probably would question where I went wrong. Still, there is no reason why you can't continue to teach with your influence outside of a school's curriculum. Why not let children be children and discover the world in a well-rounded way?
You drink or smoke while you are pregnant or you smoke in front of children and pregnant women. I've never been able to understand the appeal of smoking. Have we not done all the research we could possibly do to prove that smoking in general is bad? Why do it at all? And I'm tired of smokers complaining about their rights. Shut the fuck up. You can choose to smoke but I can't choose not to breathe the air while you're doing it. Your selfishness is infringing upon my health, my rights and that of my unborn child's. Personally, I don't care if you smoke. Please, by all means, get cancer and remove yourself from my gene pool. Darwin would be proud. And drinking while pregnant is also ridiculously selfish as well. Why risk damaging your child? And if I can give up drinking for nine months, anyone can do it. Trust me.
You choose not to vaccinate your children. I will never understand this. Again, why put your child at risk for getting sick? I understand that one of the arguments against vaccination is that rates of learning disabilities have gone up since vaccinations have become more widely attainable. Gee, do you think it's because we've also become more scientifically aware in general? Our kids are now going to school and graduating rather than dropping out to help on farms or support the workforce as they did in generations past. We have trained our teachers to spot learning and attention disabilities (although, I think we are also sometimes too quick to make these judgments out of laziness and last resort as an excuse to medicate and walk away). And we're also feeding our children a different diet than in the past as well. The key is, that child mortality rates have also dropped dramatically since we've started vaccinating regularly as well. And once again, I think this becomes an issue of not wanting others, such as the government, to influence your parenting decisions. What makes you the expert?
You let your baby drink soda. Caffeine is like kiddie alcohol. It has its time and a place. It's one thing to have it on a special occassion, like a birthday party. It's another thing to have it constantly every day.
Childhood obesity is on the rise and soda is like a gateway drug. As mentioned in the previous point, we're also discovering more learning disabilities and attention disorders. I think if we limit the amount of caffeine and sugar in our kid's diets they will be significantly calmer and less hyperactive. I was not allowed to drink caffeine as a child because I would bounce off the walls. As an adult, I have a lower tolerance for caffeine and don't find myself being a slave to it as others that I know are. I have the ability to energize myself without depending on a stimulus.
You home school. This is true especially in cases where people do it because the curriculum interferes with their religious beliefs. What are you so afraid of? If you're so sure that what you believe is true and that you are raising your children in what you consider to be the "right" way, why would learning about other ideas raise any issue? I'm not particularly religious, but if my child learns of a religion and decides to become a part of that faith at an appropriate age, I will not be disappointed. Although, if they decided to be Republicans, I probably would question where I went wrong. Still, there is no reason why you can't continue to teach with your influence outside of a school's curriculum. Why not let children be children and discover the world in a well-rounded way?
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