Things I Will Miss About Being Pregnant

I figured I would give the opposotion equal time after my last blog.

1. Feeling the baby move. I know it’s cliché but it really is the coolest thing about being pregnant, even if my husband thinks it’s creepy.

2. Having an excuse to take it easy. Naps, heavy lifting, having an excuse not to go somewhere because you’re not feeling well will be missed.

3. Only having one kid to keep under control. God help me on this one.

4. Non-leaky boobs. I really don’t need an excuse for extra padding. My girls are big enough.

5. Healing quickly. It always amazes me how quickly my cuts, scabs and blemishes heal when I’m pregnant. I'm like that cheerleader on Heroes. Lord knows my c-section incision and pain will not go away that fast.

6. Thicker hair. On my head anyway.

7. Sleeping peacefully. For the most part, as long as you exclude getting up to pee five times every night and rolling over 20 times so that my shoulder doesn’t fall asleep.

8. Maternity pants. Pants with elastic waists are so comfy.

9. Looking fat and not being judged by skinny people. This is the one time where you can work a big belly and not have the Judgy Judgersons give you a look of disgust.

10. Not having my period. My doctor has advised against endometrial ablation along with my tubal ligation, despite my asking, “If you’re going to close the factory, what is the point of continuing to send smoke out the smokestack?”

Things I Can't Wait To Do Once All This Baby Stuff Is Over

1. Try Zumba. It looks like so much fun! And I will need to work off the baby weight.

2. Drink a big glass of sangria. Oddly enough, sangria was the last alcoholic drink that I had.

3.Wear my wedding rings again. I’ve been wearing a fake on my swollen fingersfor a few months.

4. Eat a hoagie. I’m too paranoid about this whole listeria thing.

5. Breathe normally. I’m now in that uncomfortable stage where my lungs are being crushed, causing a lot of fatigue.

6. Finding a guilty pleasure late night show on TV to watch while nursing. Last time, I learned a lot from the Trivial Pursuit game show at 4 AM.

7. Drink a giant iced tea from the kiosk place in the lower level of the Lehigh Valley Mall. I’m thinking pineapple tea would be good.

8. Whiten my teeth. Despite avoiding caffeine, they are turning yellow.

9. Stop answering the question, "How are you feeling?" I do feel kind of crappy but I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear about it.

10. Sleep on my stomach. No more pins and needles on my shoulder, unless I choose to do some acupunture.

Creep of The Week: Cyclists

How to recognize them: They wear the little spandex outfits, complete with helmets, padding and sunglasses. They travel in groups of 80 and take up the entire road, especially ones with blind turns. Oh, and they’re on bicycles. You know, your main mode of transportation when you’re ten.

Frequently heard saying: “Share the road!” “Watch it, lady! You’re gonna kill somebody!”

Why they bug: They cry and scream about safety, yet they break traffic laws. They rarely ride single file. They never stop at stop signs. Yet, I’m the asshole who nearly runs them over when I pass them. My Prius is nearly silent behind them, too, because I have to go so slow behind them. They don’t hear me. And they ride in places that are just not safe. There are plenty of safe places to go, yet they choose to ride to these places by taking unsafe roots.

Their retort: “Biking is great exercise.” “It’s better for the environment than your hoity toity hybrid car.” “Stopping for a stop sign is going to slow me down and ruin my workout. I don’t need to stop. Just stay out of my way.”

My response: Find a bike path or drive to a place where it’s safer for you to ride, like a bike park. If you’re going to put yourself in a dangerous situation by going somewhere unsafe or disobeying laws that are meant to protect you, I have a hard time feeling sympathy for you.

It's Not All Wine And Roses. Sometimes It's Just Whine And Bitch.

This is going to sound like a big ol’ pity party, so feel free to skip this one. I just have to vent and move on.

I feel stuck. I’m tired and lonely. I sit in my house all day with my baby, playing Peek A Boo and watching Sesame Street videos. When I do leave the house, I’m exhausted by the time I get myself ready, the baby ready, pack the diaper bag and load the car. Just the thought of it makes me want to crawl into bed and take a nap.

I feel very isolated. I’ve made plans with friends several times over the last few weeks and they’ve been cancelled or changed without so much as a phone call. Then when I ask what’s going off, I’m told that the plans were changed to another time that already took place. I swear I’m not this pathetic around other people. I don’t know anyone in my area. I’ve tried to look for mom’s groups but there’s nothing around here. The ones that I’ve found either have very rigid rules for participation that I can’t commit to in this condition or they don’t meet all that often. I was able to join one of the latter but so far, in the three months that I’ve belonged, they’ve only met once to discuss a book that I have no interest in reading.

I could drop the baby off with my mother-in-law and go off on my own somewhere. But I’d still have to do all the prep work to get there. She also has her own stuff going on right now. I don’t want to interfere. And where would I go anyway? Plus, I always have some anxiety dropping her off, not to mention the mommy guilt.

My days have been mundane. I have no good stories to tell. I struggle to find fodder for this blog. I don’t mean to sound so “woe is me.” I’ll be too busy soon enough. So I guess I’ll just go back on You Tube and watch the Elmo’s Ducks video for the five thousandth time today.

I judge you because...

You’re a Republican. As soon as I learn someone is a Republican, I immediately assume they’re a heartless idiot. Many people are so uninformed on the issues, think they’re richer than they really are and hide behind their political party as a means to be racist bigots. The most recent healthcare bill is a good example. I’ve heard one too many thinly veiled “I don’t want to help black people because I think they’re lazy” statements this week. Like there are no white people who don’t have health care, or may I go so far as to say collect welfare (Gasp!). You know what, you dumb shits? You’re paying for people without healthcare anyway. You see, they go to hospitals where treatment can’t be refused. Then they skip out on the bill. Now the hospital has to raise their rates and they’re charging your insurance company, who in turn, charges you a higher rate. See? It’s like shoplifting. They have to cover their costs somehow so they charge the paying customers. So whether this is coming out of your left pocket through taxes or your right pocket through premiums, you’re still paying for it. Most people on welfare qualify for Medicaid, which we’ve been paying for all along anyway. And if you’re one of those “I don’t like it so I’m going to move to another country” people (I’m looking at you, Rush Limbaugh, please follow through), please tell me where you are going. I’d love to know what other government out there is not involved in their country’s healthcare. I can go on with other examples but this is today’s gripe.

You’re a grown man with long hair. What exactly do you do for a living? Where do you work that this passes for professional? Grow up. It doesn’t look “cool” or “rock and roll.” Unless you are an actual rock star, it looks pathetic. And it shows that you have issues with letting go and change. I have a friend who finds long hair so incredibly hot. I just don’t get it. I think it looks dirty and gross.

You wear your religion on your sleeve and take the bible literally. Look, not everyone believes in the bible. I may venture to say that there are some that believe it’s a remarkable work of fiction. So quoting from it as a way to tell me how to live my life is not going to sway me. The Bible is not a history book. I also find that many mental patients are highly religious. Trying to calculate the dimensions of the ark is giant waste of time. You realize that some animals eat other animals, right? Have you ever seen Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom? Imagine every episode of that ever times 20 and that’s what that ark would look like. And how did Noah get all the bugs to agree to this? Did he put them in jars? You know they didn’t have jars back then, right? The bible has many other gems about stoning and slavery. Hell, eating shellfish is an abomination. Do you give up lobster and shrimp? And damn it! Leviticus 19:27 says something about men not cutting their hair. I guess that’s just another reason for me to not like long haired men.

You go to New York City and eat at the Olive Garden. Did you know that there are enough restaurants in New York City that you can eat at a different restaurant every day of your life and not go to the same one twice? Not to mention some go out of business and new ones open every day. So why on Earth would you go to the fucking Olive Garden where the food is just pre-made and reheated in the back? I’m not completely against eating at a chain on vacation. I do it all the time, visiting places like Jack In The Box or White Castle, places that are not available locally. Where the fuck do you live where you can’t find a goddamned Olive Garden nearby? I think these people are missing out on great experiences and really hurting mom and pop businesses by not giving them a try. Try broadening your mind with a new experience.

You’re a LARP (Live Action Role Player) or you play World of Warcraft. Sorry. I just don’t get all the elves and fairies crap. Hell, I can’t even sit through Lord of the Rings. And you have all these silly rules and uniform costumes. Not only is it boring, it’s just plain silly. I also think it’s another example of nonconformists conforming. You really do need to belong somewhere so you create your own fantasy world. Or you’re using it as an escape from reality. You can’t avoid the real world for too long and this kind of distraction will only send you crashing down. Yes, the real world is a scary place. Yes, it does suck sometimes. But you have to keep going. It has it’s good moments, too. You just sometimes have to work for them.

Creep of The Week: People Who Read This Blog And Aren't Listed as a Follower

How to recognize them: During conversation, they drop random hints that they’ve read something written here. Or they use the blog for random clues when trying to guess something…like, oh I don’t know, the name of a future child.

Frequently heard saying: Nothing. They don’t respond. They don't comment. That would be admitting that they read this garbage.

Why they bug: I try to update this blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don’t know if I should bother to be so disciplined if no one really reads this. I won’t think you’re creepy for reading, commenting or following. I think you’re creepy because I know you’re reading and doing it in a secretive way.

Their retort: ***crickets***

My response: C’mon! Follow. When I write my best seller, I want to be able to tell the publisher that I have a following on my blog.

Dear Stasi's Mom

Q: My husband and I are in the process of adopting a five year old girl from Russia. If we are chosen to be the adoptive parents for this little girl, she already has a name. Our original plan was to name a daughter Elise, but then we decided to move into adoption of an older child. They have told us that because of the huge difference in Russian and English, she would not know if we called her the original name or not because it would not sound the same. Her current first name is Helena and we were thinking Elise Helena flows nicely. Of course I am jumping the gun as we don't find out if we get to sponsor her for three more weeks. What do you think of this? Also, she would be with us for the summer before the adoption so would we call her Helena this summer and Elise in the fall if the adoption goes through? Side note, we have a cat named Helen so that could be a little confusing too.

A: Are you serious? This child is leaving her country and everything she knows to be a part of your family. The only thing in the world that she has is her name and you want to take it away from her? Changing her name would be a horrible idea. I would love to know what brain trust told you that the name Helena would sound different in English. Sure, the dialect might differ but it’s not like you’re mixing V’s and W’s here. Plus, she’s five YEARS old not five MONTHS old. Of course she is going to know. She’ll probably be bitter about it later, too, when she realizes what a selfish decision you’ve made. And what difference does the cat’s name make? The cat is probably going to die in the next few years anyway. This little girl will always be your child. Perhaps you can make Elise the middle name if you’re that attached to it.


Q: I am working on a fundraiser for a friend who is suffering from breast cancer. There are four of us working together for this event. One of the members of the planning group is a friend of the woman that broke up my 7-year relationship with my ex-fiancé, 15 years ago. The planning committee member, who has no knowledge of the affair, has asked this woman to help with the event and she has agreed. I am very thankful for her help. We can use all the hands we can get, but I do not want to have to work with her. I know that it will come out at some point and I just don't want the confrontation. I really want the event to be all about helping my friend and her family. I don't want my 15-year-old bitterness to cloud our vision. How do I get over it? Do I not get over it and just put my anger and bitterness aside for the next few weeks? How do I do that? Although I have been happily married for the last five years to a wonderful man, this is really bothering me. I woke up in the middle of the night several times over the past 2 weeks worrying about it.

A: I know it is easier said than done, but you need to move on and focus on the event. What has happened in the past is over. You are no longer in that relationship and she can no longer hurt you. Honestly, it was your fiancé that betrayed you. More blame belongs with him. While I would never expect you to be friends with her, you have to maintain a professional relationship with her. I would advise against confronting her or telling her who you are. She may figure it out (or already know) or she may not. This situation has nothing to do with your friend. Keep the event your priority. Be civil. And if all else fails, vent or mock with your girlfriends about her later when it’s over.

Feel free to ask your questions anonymously at http://www.formspring.me/stasismom

Oh What A Feeling!

In light of recent events, people have been asking me if I would ever buy another Toyota. I was fortunate enough to not have my car recalled. To this day, my Toyota Prius is the best car I’ve ever owned. I would definitely buy another Toyota but I'm thinking I will not have to for a very long time.

I think the current headlines regarding Toyota are a media witch hunt, possibly even a conspiracy to hurt the business of what was the number one car dealer in America. I question if these recent news reports are a ploy orchestrated by the government to boost sales of American cars, cars that are inferior in fuel efficiency and in cases such as GM’s are owned by our government.

Two weeks ago, GM recalled 1.3 million sedans. Ten years ago, I had a Ford Fuckus that had 14 recalls. One of those recalls said something along the lines of “Your car may lose power and completely shut down when negotiating a right turn uphill.” The fuel gage was bad. The tank never stopped the pump when filling the tank, causing frequent overflows. The fuel pump blew at around 28,000 miles. Where was the blowout media coverage on those issues? Surely my car could not have been the only one that had these problems.

How quickly we forget the cover up that occurred between Ford and Firestone only a decade ago. I find it amusing that many people who are burning Toyota at the stake, clutching their pearls and discussing the poor ethical decisions that the company made, are the same people who have no problem jumping into their Explorers and Escapes. When their bullshit is called, their response is, “Toyota should have learned their lesson from Ford. They’re just out to make money and do not care about their consumers.” If I used this logic for everything that I chose to buy, I would have an empty house. Take it from someone who said she would never join Curves because they support pro-life organizations. The real issue was within. My lazy ass just didn’t want to join a gym. I have long since given up on the corporate ethics. I find the phrase oxymoronic. At the end of the day, corporations exist to make money and make their shareholders happy. I don’t like it. I’m pleasantly pleased when a corporation makes an ethically beneficial decision. But I’m not holding my breath. That’s just the way it is.

Even more enlightening are the findings of an investigation that occurred after a driver of a 2008 model Toyota Prius was chased by cops and claimed to a 911 dispatcher that the accelerator was stuck. Preliminary results show that, to bluntly sum up the report, the driver was full of shit. Toyota’s statement about these preliminary findings can be seen here. This guy was such an idiot that he didn’t even realize that the model that he was driving did not fall under the recall stipulations as the part that was causing the accelerator to stick was not manufactured at the same plant or under the same circumstances. My guess is that he got caught speeding and thought he could get out of a ticket by crying, “Bad car!” Now that’s a good one. If only these reports had come out last year when I was pulled over for speeding. Hopefully this guy will get in trouble. What a jerk!

Creep Of The Week: People Who Get All Up In A Pregnant Woman's Business

How to recognize them: If you’re pregnant, they’re watching you, staring at your every move. And they never know when to shut the fuck up.

Frequently heard saying: “You should drink eight ounces of water every hour.” “You’re not going to drink a Diet Coke, are you? There’s caffeine and artificial sweeteners in there!” “Don’t put that hot dog in your mouth!” “Slow down! Walking too fast is going to get your heart rate and blood pressure up!” “That’s too heavy! You can’t lift it!”

Why they bug: They’re not doctors. Their advice is not based on any medical authority whatsoever. And how I treat my body and my pet fetus is none of their business. Eight ounces of water every hour amounts to 192 ounces of water a day. I would pee every three minutes. Artificial sweeteners and caffeine are fine in small amounts. Hot dogs are okay as long as they’ve been cooked well. Getting your heart rate up is perfectly fine as long as your temperature is not also going up. In fact, exercise is good for you and will actually keep your blood pressure down. It’s okay to lift 50 pounds up to 20 weeks and roughly 20 or so pounds after 20 weeks. You won’t miscarry. Lifting heavy things is more of a concern for a pregnant woman’s back and balance than it is for causing early labor. But, if you want to carry this for me, maybe I shouldn’t stop you. I’m tired from walking too fast...to get away from you.

Their retort: “You think you have all the answers, don’t you? Just wait until you go into labor early!”

My response: Yeah, I do. Do you want to know why? I asked my doctor. She graduated in the top 10% of her class at med school. Did you? She isn’t concerned about any of these things. I can’t imagine why you would be.

I’m So Glad I Never Married Him Like I Wanted To When I Was 12

I can’t say I’m all that surprised, but I gasped when I saw someone post about Corey Haim’s death on Facebook this morning. I can’t help but think back to my bedroom walls circa 1988. They were wallpapered with pictures of the two Coreys and Johnny Depp during his 21 Jump Street days. It’s amazing how different their careers ended up being.

How did we not realize how fucked up he was back then? I remember when he was on the Arsenio Hall Show talking about buying crack on the street after an early rehab stint. He was still a mess. I remember looking back at a picture of him from some teeny bopper magazine like Bop or Tiger Beat where his eyes were completely bloodshot and glazed over. What a waste.

I also recall the tragedy to little girls everywhere when the Coreys announced they would be going their separate ways and not doing movies anymore. Corey Feldman was quoted as saying something along the lines of “We don’t want to be known as the Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra of our generation.” Um, that’s one goal they accomplished, I guess. This idea was short lived as they later did several more epic pictures like Dream A Little Dream 2. Most of these movies went straight to video.

A few years ago, E! did a True Hollywood Story that showed Corey Haim in such a dismal state. They showed a clip of him babbling incoherently about his first television commercial. It was disturbing how messed up he was. Later, a man on the street interview discussed how Corey Haim was panhandling for spare change to buy a slice of pizza. And we all know that pizza is the caviar of crack smokers everywhere.

The TV show that they partnered for on A&E was fairly disturbing to watch. The first season was very lighthearted. The second season was dark. Sometimes it was difficult to watch as it was clear just how unraveled these once shining stars had become. One episode showed Haim buying a wedding gift for Feldman, several years after he had been married. Another episode featured him taking out a full page trade paper ad apologizing to just about everyone in Hollywood. You could just tell he was never going to get better. Dr. Drew, why didn’t you drag him onto your hack show?

But the worst part of this tragedy is that I can’t get “Whenever There’s A Night You Need Love,” a song on the Dream A Little Dream Soundtrack by Mike Reno of Loverboy fame out of my head. Am I the only person who knows this song?

The Sunshine Bores The Daylights Out of Me

It’s such a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining. Although the air is somewhat crisp, no more than a light jacket is required for comfort. After a harsh winter, a day like this should be welcomed, right?

Wrong.

All I want to do is take a nap today. I got up early to clean the house. Spent the morning keeping the baby out of trouble and working on her physical therapy. She is now exhausted and napping contently in her crib. And I’m beat. I want a nap, too.

I know I should be out taking advantage of this gorgeous weather. I feel this horrible internal pressure telling me to not put on my jammies and get under the covers. I should take her to the park when she wakes up. Or, at the very least, I should go shopping or something. I hear a million people telling me that I should get out of the house.

Beautiful days and the pressure they bring are evil. People always say things that make me feel like I need to get some sun. Phooey. I hate that pressure. The sun makes my eyes teary. And it’s not that warm outside. I like being a pale recluse with insomnia. I am the thing that goes bump in the night. But I know it’s not good for my kid to not get fresh air. So I will suck it up and go to a park or to a store. I will take her out in public and pray that she does not have a diva like meltdown.

Tomorrow. It’s still going to be nice out, right?

Creep of The Week: People who don't watch television

How to recognize them: Usually carrying a canvas tote bag with a public radio station’s logo, they have a poor fashion sense from never seeing an episode of “What Not To Wear.” They are easily confused by common pop culture references and then act snooty and indignant to cover up their feelings of being left out from not knowing what a Gleek is.

Frequently heard saying: “I was listening to ‘All Things Considered’ on NPR the other day…” “I don’t understand reality television.” “Patrick Swayze died? When did that happen?” “There was an earthquake in Chille?!?!”

Why they bug: They put on airs of superiority yet they tend to be uninformed. Some of history’s most iconic moments happened while the world watched on television - the Kennedy assassinations, Space Shuttle Challenger’s demise, the 9/11 attacks. Television is not all fluff. Sure, there’s a lot of crap out there but there are also documentaries, news channels and informational programming as well. And even if all someone watches is garbage, there’s a certain commonality and hipness that comes along with knowing who got kicked off Survivor or AI (that’s American Idol to you, Mr. Snooty “I don’t watch TV” Snob) the previous night. It’s something that makes you relatable and sociable with others.

Their retort: “I’d much rather expand my mind by reading a book.” “I don’t really care who The Bachelor chose.” “You should go outside.” “You watch too much TV.”

My response: I read books, too. I just don’t feel the need to brag about it. That’s okay. I even draw the line at The Bachelor. The sun sucks! It causes cancer. And the bugs always eat me alive. I know you’re secretly getting TV shows by the season from Netflix.

Worst Business Idea Since Freedom Fries

I frequently pass a local mom and pop car dealership in my regular travels. The owner of the dealership has a board marquis sign where he usually displays conservative political messages such as “Impeach Obama” and “Free Nobel Prize with ever car.”

Several weeks ago, the sign displayed a message that read something along the lines of “My sign is an expression of our freedom of speech. God bless America!”

While it is true that the proprietor of this business has every right to his freedom of expression, I think it is a bad idea to display political messages in front of your business. He is alienating potential customers that might not agree with him. Certainly, if he can express his views by putting them on his sign, I can express my disagreement by not supporting his business. Freedom of expression works both ways.

Isn’t this obvious? What is this man thinking? Is it that all liberals are welfare recipients who can’t afford his cars? Is it that we’re too stupid to read his sign? Does he just not care that he’s losing business from people like me, people with disposable income to spend? I don’t get it.

In recent weeks, it seems that the messages have toned down, speaking more about the recent snowstorms. I doubt this guy is savvy enough to make this a permanent change. I wish him all the luck in this economy. I would think he would need all the sales he could get in his business.

Sorry, Canada

President Obama recently made a bet with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper over the final outcome of the 2010 gold medal hockey game that pitted the US against Canada. Both leaders wagered a case of beer from their respective country’s oldest breweries. Unfortunately, the US lost 3-2 in overtime, leaving it up to the President to send a case of beer from the Yuengling Brewery of Pottsville, Pennsylvania. Having grown up in Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania, only a short drive from the brewery, I can’t help but feel a little pride that we will be sending a case of Yuengling to our neighbor to the north

I wonder which brew will be chosen. Certainly, Yuengling Lager is the most popular variety. People in eastern Pennsylvania rarely even ask for it by brand name, merely referring to it as “a lager.” I grew up on Yuengling Premium, however, and find a lot of old school skooks tend to prefer it to the trendy lager. The Black and Tan is probably the best kind of beer the brand has to offer. Lord Chesterfield Ale and their Porter are also not bad, but not consumed as often.

Of course there are people out there who will whine about this being done at the tax payers' expense. To them I say that a case of Yuengling is roughly $18. I'm estimating that it would probably cost roughly $50-$75 to ship. Now divide that total by the approximate 150,000,000 taxpayers in this country. We're looking at each of us paying roughly .000062 of a cent each. I think we can swing it in the name of good cheer for the Canadians, especially when you consider how much entertainment they provide us with their funny accents and hats.

In addition to my Schuylkill County pride in the moment, I also feel a slight twinge of shame since I know this beer is nowhere near as good as the Molson that was promised to us.

Cheers to you, Canada! Congratulations on your win.